lamtnbiker Asked April 2015

Having difficulty in moving my parents into Independent/assisted living. Any advice on what other ways to make this happen?

My parents are 83 and 85 years old. My dad was diagnosed is Mild Cognitive Impairment last summer. Alzheimers runs in his family so, we had him tested and he is currently being treated at age 85. My mom is not that independent and relies on my 85 year old dad to run their daily errands etc. Mom cannot keep up with the daily run of the house anymore and is becoming more and more frustrated with day to day chores and my dad. I have been trying to discuss this move for the last 3 years. I found a place closer to me, as they live 100 miles round trip away from me and my dad has been hospitalized twice already this year. Until this last year, they have done pretty well on their own, but now I can see life becoming more and more of a struggle. I found them a two bedroom apartment in an Independent/assisted living 5 mins from me. Their house is 61 years old and has not been properly maintained in the last 15 years since my dad has had health issues on and off. My two siblings live too far away to help. At Christmas I took my parents and brother to the place I found and my Dad declared he was ready to move. Actually, my Dad has been ready for a couple years now. He wants to quit driving and having the responsibilities. We put the money down to secure the apartment and they did come and fill out the lease paperwork and paid the community fees and have scheduled the first rent. My hope is to have them moved this month...but as this is becoming more of a reality, my Mom is becoming more and more agitated. She is angry at my Dad for having to move, she is angry at us kids and is making herself sick. I have done all of the things recommended to ease my parents into this situation....slowly discussing, looking at places, they have friends and family members that have positive experience with this, I have pointed out the need when the situation was right, I had my Mom agree this is necessary, I have moved things already out of the house at their request, they voluntarily had their paperwork done by the doctor to move, my siblings have pointed out the need to go, we have spread sheeted their finances to show they can more than afford it, Dads doctor stated is time to move, but yet I am having struggles with getting Mom to move. I have been sensitive to them leaving their home, but remain stern they need to go. They have to go before they have more issues and choices get narrowed.

I am concerned about my Dad walking up and down their steep driveway. He is not physically capable of keeping up with maintain/repairing the home anymore. I am concerned about my parents safety.

I am frustrated with my Mom, anyone else have this issue that has some good advice on what other ways to make this happen?

Assisted Living

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You are almost there. Don't give up or back down. Your mom may be mad, feel betrayed and all that, but from the info you've posted its clear they will be much better off. You can find dozens of similar stories on this site. Loved ones usually do fine after settling in. I think you and your family have done a good job. These situations are of interest to me as I will be facing the same thing soon with a totally stubborn dad who has mild dementia.

Helpful Answer (9)

I am happy to announce they are moved!!!! and they are happy!!!!! I cannot believe what it took to get my parents moved, but it happened today and they are settled for the most part and are in good spirits!!!! Thank you everyone for your support!!!! This has been a real trial for me!!!!

Helpful Answer (7)

You have done very well. She probably will never be ready to move, but will settle in eventually so just go ahead. I think looking into depression and treatment for that is a good idea. Sometimes you just have to do what has to be done, even if there is resistance. (((((((hugs)))))

Helpful Answer (6)

I appreciate this confirmation of I am doing the right thing! It is hard, as you all know, and sometimes I feel guilty that maybe I am pushing this move too soon. Then something comes up and I know it is the right thing to do. My thoughts are that I am making their remaining possible 10 years as easy for them as possible with options as things change in the future. We have already exhausted some options like, I offered them to buy a house and move closer to me 10 years ago, then to buy a house together, then my husband and I would build a house with granny quarters for them, add on to our existing house, now it is not a choice, but they need to move into independent-assisted living. I chose this as they are still pretty independent but heading into the time of life they are going to need help. This has been a well thought out plan by me that I have explained. Just this morning my Mom and I had a conversation were she tried guilt and plead for more time and mentioned I am not budging on this! She knows....

Helpful Answer (5)

Jbar1959 - I had a similar problem with my Mom is only as independent as my Dad is, and he is not that independent anymore...so, last year, I backed way off from doing things for them. I wanted it to become somewhat hard for them. It is a hard thing to do as a caregiver, but to get a message across is what I needed to do. My parents did notice I was busy with my business and my family and could not meet their needs...they also live 50 miles one way from me...so, it was not possible to be there for every need. They had to figure it out for themselves to a point. I was there for the major stuff...watched out for them at a distance and I do call them twice a day...morning and night. They did notice and did realize it was tiring and tough on them. They did notice that a day of doctor visits and errands made them tired and they needed a day of rest too...they did notice life was a harder...if you do too much for your parents, there is no need to move...they are independent in their minds. I had to make that hard conversation with my Mom about "What are you going to do if Dad is out running an errand and forgets how to go home?" We had to have some tough discussions...sounds like you have to have that talk. I also pointed out safety issues that come with living on your own...pointed out that when Dad doesn't remember or know who you are the harsh realities of life. I also pointed out that once Dad is a wandering risk, she becomes a prisoner in her own home...he has to be locked inside the home and she has to safe guard a key...etc...unfortunately these are all facts of life with dementia. Do know that it gets harder and harder for the one with dementia to handle the change of moving. Be careful that it might be too late for your Dad. One tactic I used was the doctor treating my Dad for Alzheimers...got her to agree and tell them it is time to move! My parents are working toward moving at the end of this month...it has been a roller coaster of emotion for all of us and tough, but in the end, it is the right thing to do. My Mom yelled at me on the phone on Easter about not wanting to move, and all I did was listen...after a while she told me all she does is talk and I never give in...so, she has to move...music to my ears at the end of the conversation. She was better later in the day. You have to remain strong and firm and it is not easy, but it is the best thing for them.

Helpful Answer (5)

Has your mom ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? She dounds depressed.

Helpful Answer (3)

You are 95 percent there! Great job! From my own, and the experiences of my friends, you will be amazed how your mom will adjust and likely tell you it is the best thing SHE decided to do. My mother basically stated she would try assisted living for a month and then she would call a lawyer to get her out. She has forgotten I arranged it (I don't care whether she does or not) and keeps talking about what a great choice she made to move there. The extra socialization often does wonders for the elders. Good luck!!

Helpful Answer (3)

About five years ago my younger sister and I noticed that our parents (mid 70's) were acting strangely, always tired, always had some ailment or another that they were running to the doctor for. My sister and I both in live in separate states from our parents so it was hard to check in on them frequently. I had discussed the benefits of living in an independent living community but Mom was adamant that they were fine and didn't want to discuss it. It was only after several falls and stays in the hospital that we discovered they were pharmaceutical junkies. They could have started a neighborhood drug store with all the medications they were taking. We had to hire an attorney to fast track taking over as Trustees for their Trust, got both power of attorney for their finances and medical, secured an assisted living community close to my youngest sister, sold their house and most of their belongings, get a whole new set of doctors and got them completely off all their meds. It was very difficult - as our parents fought us every step of the way (as it took months to get them weaned off drugs). We kept going with blinders on and did the best we could for our parents.

Today, they are the healthiest they have been in years, all their "mysterious" illnesses are gone, they are in a top notch assisted living community with the best doctors we could get for them, and I visit them often (my sister only lives 10 minutes from them - so she can take them to their doctor appointments and shopping, etc. They are more alert than they've been in years.
If I were to pass on advice about how we accomplished all this without the cooperation of our parents, I would say - Make out a written, comprehensive plan on how you are going to accomplish everything and do NOT deviate from it no matter what relatives or friends say. If need be, go to court and get the law on your side. Make sure your motives are pure (doing everything ONLY for the benefit of your parent(s) ). Reach out to others who are in the know and seek advice. Don't give up - no matter how much your parent protest or your relatives behave badly towards you. My sister and I are fortunate we had each other to share the responsibilities, but even if you must work by yourself - have faith in yourself - you CAN do it and you will be much happier knowing they are in a safe, secure environment where they are well taken care of.

Helpful Answer (3)

My Dad is being treated by a geriatric psychiatrist for his MCI, and she goes to the sessions and contributes as do I. I may have to mention that...she probably is depressed and full of anxiety. One minute she is on board with moving as she realizes it is a good thing. The next she is overwhelmed and needs more time like a year....I don't think there will ever be a good time or enough time. That window has passed. Every time she gives me an argument as to why she should not move, that argument is actually a good reason for her to move. She just does not see that.

Helpful Answer (2)

For the past couple of years I have been trying to budge my parents out of their large home with zero luck. Last year when I showed them a brochure of a fantastic place not far down the road Dad mentioned it looked nice, maybe they will move in a couple of years.... SAY WHAT? HELLO, you are 92 and 96 !!

For the life of me I couldn't figure out why wouldn't they want to move somewhere that would bring them MORE freedom instead of waiting for me to rearrange my work schedule to help them out. Then I realized my parent's parents never moved from their own homes, neither did any of the siblings. So my parents are copying what everyone else did.

Downsizing seemed to be the major issue. So far Dad is into his second year of sorting through all the papers he has in filing cabinets and 3-ring binders... I see it never ending. Just recently he tossed out some of his college homework from the 1940's. Ok, I realize sometimes parting with memories isn't easy.

What I find interesting is that some of my cousins [65-75] are now selling their own homes and moving into retirement communities.

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Having difficulty in moving my parents into Independent/assisted living. Any advice on what other ways to make this happen?

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