He's getting paid to watch Mom but is always gone. Any advice?

Hospice is end of life care when a person is determined to be chronically ill. It is comfort care only. Evaluations are completed to determine whether hospice is appropriate for your loved one. Doctors will prescribe hospice if they think within six months the patient will pass. Hospice will either come into home, or it can ge done in a hospital setting, hospice center.

You may want to search on this website for hospice, in the upper right hand corner. Or, from the National Institute of Health:
nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hospicecare.html

Now i have a nother question .Wut is Hospice?

To Cathberry and New2this, Well said:)

Check it out people im not writing to impress none of u . Im just looking for sum kind of advice for my friends here .Thanx to the ones that took the time to read and understand this little issue that has been resolved thank u (ther is a scheduale now)and this is for the people that have a problem with my spelling and punctuation I HAVE RA AND AM LOSING MY HANDS IHAVE ALOT OF PROBLEMS SO I WOULD LIKE FOR U JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE TO JUST STAY OF MY PAGE OK THERS NO NEED FOR UR ADVICE ON GRAMMER OR OTHER STUPID THINGS UR WORRIED ABOUT FIRST, RATHER THEN THE WHOLE ISSUE . I KNO IM NOT PERFECT BUT FOR SUMONE TO JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER (or i should say spelling or punctuation) you got to be kidding me all i got to say to u is UGLY . THANK U AGAIN PEOPLE

Presumably some people are using voice recognition software for their posts, too? That would explain - I'm not criticising the OP on this thread, by the way - both some of the comical interpretations and the sheer volume of text you get from people who otherwise don't sound like confident writers.

My two penn'orth: good grammar and punctuation make meaning clearer, but the onus is on the reader to comprehend.

Raindrop, I do not agree that we are not trained. We are all trained quite well because we know the person's history. That cannot be taught, those with dementia xome out of left field often, but only family caregivers can begin to figure out what is going on in their dying brains. Skills of care are taught and certified and can be done by just about anyone, though they have to have great patience. Stop discounting what you are doing for your loved one because of the lack of formal training! There is only one person in the world that can provide the cafe and comfort that you do. And that is YOU!

Cathberry, I kind of thought some of the same things. Stress, lack of sleep, genuine concern makes me ramble too. I have a couple friends who do emails sometimes on little tiny keyboards on their Blackberries and such, when in a hurry. Most are college grads, but make quite a few "typos" on those silly little devices, especially when it's late and they are tired. My hats off to them though, I'd have a lot more typos than that on those goofy things. Then we do also have to consider whether or not English is a 1st language, considering we are world wide. I was taught 3 languages at the same time as a child, complete with the various "spelling" and use rules, it comes out when I am tired, and or super stressed. :-)

No amount of money can buy you peace of mind. I too am a caregiver for a mother who is bitter and angry. It is not easy and when you lose the peace in your own home its not good. It is easy for others to come by and look and see what you are not doing or what you should be doing and sometimes one break is not enough. Shifts would be even better because I feel that if tyou can come around and assesss the care thast you can come and help-. It may start off great being a caregiver but over time and without your own life being able to work and have a life like the other siblings....take shifts if you feel like your brother or sister is not doing enough and do it over time. Some are stronger than others Dont judge atleast the caregiver tried. Now let someone else try!!. They donot pay you enough to lose your life! No one can really talk unless they have taken care of a parent and a difficult one at that.l I belive in trying, thats why I did. I was hoping to make a difference and sometimes it just doesnt work or is not appreciated . My mother always treated me different anyways but again atleast i tried and I definitely dont see any one else offering to try..lol..They would rather see her in a nursing home!

I need to be sure I am understanding this properly and I mean no offence but it seems you are distressed by all of this:

If you are saying there are 3 brothers involved, one of them gets paid to care for their mother the other two dont, then it is still not fair that he does 24/7 care - he would be exhausted, especially if his mum is up at night and wanders and is incontinent etc etc
If the other two have no skills in caring then you should get someone iin who can care for their mum but it will be at a cost.

As a carer it is usual not to pay rent or have to buy food out of your own pocket if the care you provide is live in care

As has been said before there should be a laid out plan of what each brother is going to do. If one is caring for 8 hours one is working for 6 hours and the other is working for 8 hours then there are still 16 hours of care to cover every day and unless they are willing to pay then they have to share the duties or alternatively put their mum into care which would cost a lot mopre propbably then each could go their own way

gladimhere and TooYoungForThis--and to all other members of this forum who believe that only perfection should be presented to them: The strength of this website is its non-judgemental focus--and that includes making judgements on not only the content of postings but also on the grammar and spelling skills (or lack thereof) of participants. I am sure we have all come across documents that have been "Spellchek"ed, only to discover that many of our sentences were "corrected" and the results were nothing like what was originally intended.

I am a doctoral student with excellent grammar and spelling skills but that does not mean that I never make an error in my spelling or my grammar--especially when I am under stress. Sometimes, when I want to get my thoughts down on paper, spelling, grammar and, indeed my legible handwriting, all go "out the window"!

Not all of us have been granted the gift of an excellent (or even an average) education. Having enjoyed such an education does not give anyone the right to scold and humiliate someone--anyone--in a public forum (What you do in private is your own business.). To me this smug attitude smacks of nothing but arrogance and a sense of superiority. "Look, look look--I am better/smarter than you. I know how to write "complete sentences, with periods ending the sentences & capital letters starting the first word in a sentence." I know--AND use big words like "coherent".

The posting makes sense if you only take the time to read it. Koodoos to those who did so and who were able to get beyond the lack of punctuation etc. to actually make suggestions that may help MAVR2013.

How about bringing a bit more compassion, and a bit less judgment, into MAVR2013's request for help and advice and then offer constructive criticism.

GladImhere: Not everyone who writes on this site has the capability to spell correctly.

Sounds like the Mom, (and what ever funds are to provide for her care), need to be moved to a professional setting.

Sounds like the 3 grown men would be better off to create a little distance and do their own thing. Probably had good intentions to begin with, but then the novelty wore off and reality set in, if they are squabbling about who is supposed to be doing what.

I saw this same thing play out in a kid friendly neighborhood I lived in for 12 years. New family buys house, one perfectly little bathed well dressed always supervised 3 or 4 year old, maybe an infant or one on the way, stay at home Mom. Modest furnishings, average cars. Fast forward 3 or 4 years down the road, fancy stuff showing up on delivery trucks, a new SUV or 2. Mom's at work all night, Dad is always on the back deck eating something out of a fast food sack playing with an electronic toy. The 3 or so kids are dirty, unfed and begging from the neighbors, missing pants and or shoes, 6 blocks away with traffic dodging them. Then the "For Sale" sign hits the front yard right before one or the other moves out, ... Caregiving of any dependent living thing is a lot of work, not something someone can continually do "in between" other things, or just when ever they are able. It really is a full time job or more, without nights and weekends off to recharge.

If mom is on a program that pays for in home help then she would have a case manager. The youngest that provides care for mom can speak with her/him, let her know he wants to be a paid caregiver for mom. Contact the area agency on aging, they have programs that may help, including caregiver support services.

This is so sad. I can identify a little. I was care giver for my Mother for about 2 years. Untrained also. I remember my brothers coming over and telling me that i might want to 'dust' the tv ever so often, and they would walk around and look everything over, let me cook for them and never offered any help. They seemed to think that since i was here for her 24/7 & gave up my $1,000 a month job to do this, that i ws living here for free and should do everything. It's hard being obligated like that, with all the stress and trying to do it all right & going some days with almost hourly cleanup of the bed and cleaning up my Mother in her bed from 'accidents' & Much laundry. I remember somedays just sitting there sweating and sickened, and then another day, you might have walked in on me jst sitting there on the computer or watching something on tv, as it ws a good day for Mom, and i needed a break. So this is the other side of MY story. Something that all 3 brothers could do, is to write down needs of Mom. And also the one who is caregiver. Someone needs to give that guy a break. We finally got to the point that someone came and took care of Mom 1 day a wk for 8 hrs. I could make my dr appts and do the shopping and pick up RX and even go out to eat and get my mind off of everything. One day a wk isn't really enough, but it sure helped. If my brothers would have offered (both are retired), it could have saved Mom some money, and also let Mom realize that she ws loved by all of us. After making a list, if the 3 of them can sit down together and work it out, that would be great, but if it ws to end up with an argument, i would suggest having someone not connected w/the family be a 'moderator'. Good luck. My prayers are certainly with this family.

The going rate for a live in 24 hour day caregiver in the Philadelphia area is $9,000.00 a month. Room and board is free. Is this the compensation paid the brother? The going rate for an agency caregiver is $25.00 an hour, or $15.00 an hour under the table, minimum 6 hours a day. You get what you pay for. I am sure the brother is a bargain.

Reading between the lines, you resent the time taken from your boyfriend to care for his mother. Don't, encourage him to fully express his love by caring for Mom. Teach him the joy of intimacy, that one gets in caring more for another then himself. He will marry you, because you make him a better and happier person. If rather than complain about the burden, you shared the burden you would start to be marriage worthy. Good luck

So who are you? Where do you fit in to this picture?

If you're concerned about the lady's welfare, call your local social services and ask them to come and assess her living situation. Three (untrained) men and a little old lady with dementia - it's certainly doesn't sound ideal.

I am having a difficult time following you question. Punctuation would help immensely. This does not sound like a good situation for Mom, figure out what is best for her and do it.

Why not get a carer outside of the family

These family situations happen all too often. The brother who is getting paid should be doing the bulk of the caregiving. Of course everyone needs a break, and time off. Maybe a schedule would help, although if this brother is sleeping or online when he's supposed to be taking care of his mom, it sounds as though he he's just being irresponsible. The brothers need to sit down and work this out. Maybe it's time to hire a caregiver. Good luck:)

I would make a big schedule and hang it on the wall. I would also write all the chores, rules and obligations (while on duty) on the same sheet. One person can't do it all, even if they are getting paid, but he should be doing most of it and the rest of you should know far in advance when you're needed, unless it is an emergency. Tell them you are doing this to help them all out. Actually my mother loved the schedule too, she liked to know what was going on everyday and who was fixing her dinner and sitting down to eat with her. Good luck, I know it's very hard!