I am caring for my Dad (86) and I'm a nurse caring for elderly. I come home and it continues. How do I deal?
My father talks to me horribly at times. My husband and I rarely leave him alone. We feel imprisoned. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home, but I'm totally stressed. Please let me know how others deal with this situation
Sotired, I don't know how you're not almost psychotic with confusion. I talk to our HCA's about the differences between caring for your loved one and doing the job professionally, and the fact is that they're mirror images. How on earth do you know which way is up by the end of an average 24 hours?
A promise is a promise and must be kept, I know. But I am horrified at the ways and means by which people get snared into promising. What was the essence of the thing? - what was your father trying to avoid in making you promise "never to put him in a nursing home"? If you can untangle what exactly he was afraid of, maybe you can figure out a practical alternative that respects his key wishes but doesn't imprison you and your husband in a horrible - and I would have thought unsustainable - situation.
For example, was it leaving his home? Then is outside support an option, relieving you of hands-on care?
Was it being at the mercy of an institution? Perhaps today's variety of communities will have one that looks very different from those he dreaded.
Was it being written off? Then day care at a good centre might show him for himself that there are plenty of lively seniors thriving in ILFs and ALFs.
That kind of thing. Short of being weaselly about it, I hope you'll be able to find a loophole that will get you out of an agreement you feel morally bound to - unfairly, in my view, but I appreciate that that in itself isn't enough to free you of your sense of obligation.
Hospitals as a resource: bulletin boards for private duty, ancillary staff can be in housekeeping, nutrition, cooking meals or anything one can imagine to relieve this nurse and caregiver to her father. Respite care, not necessarily a "routine commitment". I like the suggestion of a nearby "6 pack" a small residential care in the community, he can come home again.
Sendme2help: Are you out of your mind? I am a nurse and there is no way that I or any nurse I know would routinely commit themselves to the care of a coworkers parent. Nursing is a hard job, lots of stress and long hours. Most nurses when they are done with their shift have families to go home and care for. There is little time to care for other families. sotired60 you're in a fix. I've had to put my career on hold (maybe even ended it) to care for my Mom. At first it wasn't too hard caring for her and working but as her dementia worsened and she could no longer be left alone the ordeal of trying to find reliable in home caregivers etc. became too much. It was like I never got away from sick people or the responsibility of caring for them. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Once I realized I couldn't work and care for Mom and made the choice to stop work and just care for her my stress level greatly decreased. Did I make the right choice? I honestly don't know. I know that I've take a huge financial hit and the reality of my getting back to my career decreases every day that I'm away from the hospital. I also know that there was no way I could have continued the way it was. Doing what you're doing is double duty. Your going to have to make a choice. There are good care facilities out there. I have often thought that my Mom would be better off in a good care facility that had activities and more socialization than what I can give her. Times do change and promises made in the past some times have to be revisited. Good luck to you and I hope you get it all sorted out.
Ok, you have the perfect resources where you work at the hospital. A few times a week (or whatever schedule you can manage), hire those co-workers to go to your home and do for your father what you need done. You can be late coming home, or arrive home with nothing extra to do, hi dad!
Can you place him where you work? Seems like you would be spending more time with him, stay one hour after work with him, then go home, relax. You could convince him.
When I bring food/treats, I make sure that the caretakers are allowed to eat this too.It makes everyone happy.....Girl Scout cookies etc......But the diapers and personal hygeine things is for aunt only....
Most places are not as bad as they were back then. Do try a small residential board and care. I found one for my aunt a little too late. I stuck her in assisted living, and one night she fell and they found her in the morning the same position. She slightly fractured her hip. Now I have her in a board and care, Ofilia and Juno take really nice care of her. They have 4 other people in the home too. The food is always good and healthy. I bring them deserts, Ice cream tea, and other things that " management" doesn't offer as often.....
Take small steps. check out places, ask your friends co workers what they think. Investigate these micro communities, ask the residents and their loved ones. Take your time. Once you do move them, then you will find you will have QUALITY TIME WITH DAD, No trying to change them, clean them, fight them, that someone else's job. Now you get to pop in make sure he is ok, take him out if you can, play a board game,dance with him, read with him, etc....Good luck, it's okay. What did your dad do with his parents?
A lot of people have the same situation. I promised her myself and family I would not put loved one in nursing home. Mom stuck her mom in nursing home, she and her siblings....So did my dad... And mom and dad took off to the opposite coast and left their parents behind. MY FIL AND MIL charged to the opposite coast too, and left their parents behind. Guess what? My hubby and I are taking care of our geriatrics. our moms, and my aunt.....Thank goodness they are all within two miles of us, so we can check up on them anytime we want....
There are smaller micro communities... Like 6 packs. lYou may find them in your neighborhood. I have Mom one mile away from me. 6 residents, 2 full time caretakers in a private home-like enviroment. She gets fed 3 times a day, they clean and wash her and her clothes. I pay them the rent. Her roommate is my best briend's Mom, so we can keep an eye out for both of them. It's good. They are a licensed facility, the caretakers have a little training, not much. but they do keep mom's diapers changed.....I would check these out, and other places, unannounced. I po in a lot to check on mom.
Many of us promise our parents that we would never put them into a nursing home. Usually that promise was made way back when the parent was healthy, mobile and still on their own. Stuff happens. I came across this article here on the Aging Care website that I found very interesting.
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A promise is a promise and must be kept, I know. But I am horrified at the ways and means by which people get snared into promising. What was the essence of the thing? - what was your father trying to avoid in making you promise "never to put him in a nursing home"? If you can untangle what exactly he was afraid of, maybe you can figure out a practical alternative that respects his key wishes but doesn't imprison you and your husband in a horrible - and I would have thought unsustainable - situation.
For example, was it leaving his home? Then is outside support an option, relieving you of hands-on care?
Was it being at the mercy of an institution? Perhaps today's variety of communities will have one that looks very different from those he dreaded.
Was it being written off? Then day care at a good centre might show him for himself that there are plenty of lively seniors thriving in ILFs and ALFs.
That kind of thing. Short of being weaselly about it, I hope you'll be able to find a loophole that will get you out of an agreement you feel morally bound to - unfairly, in my view, but I appreciate that that in itself isn't enough to free you of your sense of obligation.
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sotired60 you're in a fix. I've had to put my career on hold (maybe even ended it) to care for my Mom. At first it wasn't too hard caring for her and working but as her dementia worsened and she could no longer be left alone the ordeal of trying to find reliable in home caregivers etc. became too much. It was like I never got away from sick people or the responsibility of caring for them. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Once I realized I couldn't work and care for Mom and made the choice to stop work and just care for her my stress level greatly decreased. Did I make the right choice? I honestly don't know. I know that I've take a huge financial hit and the reality of my getting back to my career decreases every day that I'm away from the hospital. I also know that there was no way I could have continued the way it was. Doing what you're doing is double duty. Your going to have to make a choice. There are good care facilities out there. I have often thought that my Mom would be better off in a good care facility that had activities and more socialization than what I can give her. Times do change and promises made in the past some times have to be revisited. Good luck to you and I hope you get it all sorted out.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-promised-my-parents-I-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm