My Mom suffers from dementia, depression and is very angry. My siblings and I need help with her. Advice?

Thank you, ArmyRetired. I appreciate your understanding.

Rita I am glad your mother turned up safe! But I have an awful feeling that when cousin Jimmy has had enought she will still be at the AP kicking and screaming... But hopefully she will settle down and they will be able to keep her where she happy, and you can go and have a peaceful visit in the future.

Rita, you have done all that you can for now. Some people fail to realize you cannot legally force a person to go any where against their will unless they are declared legally incompetent. Hopefully, the nephew can get your mother to a doctor and get her evaluated and then go on from there.

How do we get her into the airport behaving this way?

Ok-fly to P.R. and get her...um- how do we bring back our screaming, biting, spitting, cursing, kicking, punching, scratching mother here to get evaluated, and put in a home?

Finally, YES, our cousin Jimmy has our phone number and can call us whenever he needs to. Which-I feel- will be soon.

I'm glad she made it there safely!!!!!My heart aches reading this post...It frightens the *rap out of me...So many things could go wrong..She will wear out her welcome in PR and she's not their responsibility.

Please go get your Mom and fly back with her..Take her to her Dr and have her evaluted...She needs your help more now than ever...

Please keep us updated..Good luck dealing with this difficult decision...

Yes, our mother is behaving like a spoiled child and believe me when I say that she has ALWAYS been this way. Strong-willed, obstinate, demanding, manipulating , as well as abusive to us all since childhood.
We know her health is failing, but just what exactly do you want us to do? None of us can afford to properly care for her. We cannot force her. So, instead of arguing the point that she is not well, tell us something we do not know. We do not find it difficult to let go of being her child. We know the dangers, but nobody has the solution here. There have also been many times when we each told he flat out- NO! We have taken the time to explain to her why we tell her No. So you see, we do not always give in to her tantrums, etc. Now she/our mother is over there in P.R., with her nephews and nieces, trying to find a place for her to live. YES, they have noticed her problem. Believe me when I state that she has no other option or anyplace to go, except back here/to us. She has literally been removed from homes of relatives due to her behavior, etc. TWICE! She has run out of options and no place to go but to return here. To US. Yes, we are aware that we may run into problems with the authorities because of her. WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO? I will talk to my father on this matter. He and his siblings had to care for our grandmother. His and their mother until death. His input will be of help to me.

We, the caregiver ...Must be brave !!! It's unimaginable ... if I gave into every thing my father demanded I do ...He yells ,he threatens...he says hurtful mean things. It's tough..but I compare it to as if I gave into my toddler wanting to run out in the street. ! It's important we read all the info available on this site...Please...It's precious...just as our parents are. They are failing ...and it's difficult to let go of being their child...but I know...I'm the adult now. Blessings to all.

Rita62, so glad to hear your mom is safe and you have heard from family concerning her. When mom first moved in with me I often commented HER attitude was she would always be the mother and I would always be the daughter. After awhile I realized that was also MY attitude....I would always be the daughter...and it dawned on me that she was no longer capable of making her own decisions and I had to become the mother! I hope when the time comes you can step up to that responsibility. It's not easy and boy, does guilt come with it but there doesn't seem to be any other answer. Good luck.

Well, finally good news. Our cousin Jimmy in Puerto Rico have contacted my brother and told him that they met our mother at the airport. Jimmy gave us his phone number to call and check in on her whenever we want. He found our phone number in our mom's purse and contacted us to tell my brother that she is well, and that he noticed that something was not quite right with her. He was most concerned and needed help to get her established over in Puerto Rico. He wants us to keep in touch with him to help guide her carefully, because laws over there are not like over here. Yes, he told my brother that he and his family DID indeed notice that something was not quite right with our mother, his aunt. He and our brother had a very long, and costly discussion about our mother. Yes, I did mention that all my mother's brothers and sisters are dead. But I also said that she has a few nieces and nephews there, too. There are times I get tired and do not type properly, but I also hope that others will try to see this and think carefully. Our mother has not given us any reason to go CHARGING aggressively to Puerto Rico and FORCE her to come back here. She has not done anything wrong. Our mother does have health issues, but it is also important to remember that she is our mother, and has always been a strong-willed, independent person. We all must remember these things. We now know where our cousin Jimmy lives and YES, will go there to get our mother when the time comes. But until then, we need to be patient and wait. Allow her time to adjust, because right now, she is over joyed being at her beloved country with her dear nephews and nieces. In time, we know our mother will once again become 'unstable'. But we need to give her and them time.

You said and I quote
My Mom suffers from dementia, depression and is very angry. My siblings and I need help with her. Advice?
We believe she is living in the past (about 65 years ago). Hallucinates/thinks someone is living inside the wall, spying on her. She has been known to wander, and now she is demanding to get a one-way flight ticket to Puerto Rico, and has not contacted anyone there. All her family over there has died.
Then you said
The reason is because she still is mentally functioning well-enough to fend for herself.
Erm Hello? NO SHE IS NOT - she needs help and she needs it yesterday
If that was a bit blunt sorry but it was meant to be

Yes, I most certainly will call the police over there to find her/check to see all is well with her.

Ok, let me say that ... No, our mother's brothers/sisters are now deceased. But, Yes, our mother does have nieces and a few nephews in P.R., and they were supposed to be waiting there in the P.R. Airport to greet her. Yes, we are ready to get our mother if something happens. Our mother has a very bad habit of trying to 'hide'/run-away/lie for any of her wrong-doings, and we /her kids are left to dig up the truth. This behavior has been ongoing since I was about 13 years old. Now I am 62, our oldest brother is 63, then our youngest sister is 59. We were told that there is very little we can do in terms of putting our mother under assisted-living/care. The reason is because she still is mentally functioning well-enough to fend for herself. Unless she does something drastic, there is very little we can do. So, now we wait...

I have read this post 2x and your brother sent mom to a foreign country where there are NO relatives or ANYONE to pick her up or take care of her? What was he thinking?? We read every day about elderly folks who get lost/die in upset travel plans! how is she supposed to navigate the airport? Find a hotel? Live for gods sake! If she is lucky and someone helps her out is he prepared tp GO GET HER?? Sorry for all the caps.. but I am just flabbergasted here! You say in one post there is no family there, but in another that there is? I hope for everyone's sake someone is there.. or this could end badly for all of you

Rita, I saw this once before when I worked home care. The grandson put grandma on a airplane to go 'visit' a distant relative. She died in the other town after a short while and family there had her embalmed, destroying any evidence as to cause of death. Sounds like your brother has sent her off to die. His defense is that's what she wanted but she was incompetent mentally and her wishes were not the controlling factor. Bro better hope he's not going to have problems the the LAW. You may want to let the relatives there, if you can find them, know that you have notified the police and the hospital that she is in town and is not capable of looking after herself. You may want to call the office on again in Puerto Rico to check with them what else to do regarding 'elder dumping'. Can you shut her money off? Call and advise her bank to be on the lookout for fraud.

I have to agree Pam 100%. I think given the issues I would contact the authorities and let them know so they can find her and quickly especially as all her family over there ahs died.... I mean what in heavens name was he thinking of?

Rita, your brother is a full blown idiot. Notify the family there in PR that she is enroute, and as long as she gets there safe, leave it at that. You will be hearing from her or the authorities soon enough.

I understand. My mother notified my brother NOT to contact her or her family over there. She doesn't want anyone of us to find her. But she does have our phone numbers and address if she needs help. We are all frustrated, and tired. If she decides to return, we siblings agreed to get her assisted living.

Rita, let your brilliant brother find her family. Don't enable his irresponsible actions. Let him deal with the situation he created by kowtowing to your mother's demands.

My brother put her on a plane yesterday, with a one-way ticket to be with her family. Now, I am sick with worry, and am going nuts trying to find her relatives there...no simple task.

Thank you all so much for all your knowledge and wisdom. All this information will help me, my brother and our younger sister. I will discuss all of these things with them to help us all. I understand that it is important to distinguish the problem from the person. My eldest daughter told me the very same things you all did, this very morning. Truth be told, our mother has always been a difficult person...since we were all very little. But, it is what it is. Thank you all again. Hugs to each of you

See her doctor alone, with a good typed-up list of what is going on. Doc will most likely get her on good meds for the hallucinations and paranoia. That is psychotic behavior and needs to be treated. DON'T let her get on a plane alone! She is not going to find what she is looking for: her old home and life. If problems persist, get her into a Memory Care facility. I am determined that my children not go through with me what I have gone through with my dad. It was Hell.

Have you watched any videos (free, online) by Teepa Snow? If not, start watching. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. Your Mom is one of millions who act this way because of how her brain is. You and your siblings need to start learning fast.

I have found the hardest thing for me to handle with mom's dementia is that she cannot be reasoned with. She once told me I treated her as a child and I told her it was because she acted like one sometime. When she gets stubborn and refuses to do something I remind myself she is a child and I must be patient. I've had her for 3 yrs now and I'm learning a lot and I hope to make arrangements so my children don't have to go thru this with me. Some days I want to cry and some days I hear other peoples stories and realize I don't have it so Rita, I hope you get the help your mother and you need soon.

Rita, she needs to be evaluated by a physician, preferably one who specializes in geriatrics, dementia or mental disorders. I had a "crazy aunt" who lived alone until she started telling anyone who would listen that people were walking through her walls, coming into her home and making horrible messes, she'd call 911 to report that the FBI had broken into her home, coming through the walls, etc. Finally her son drove halfway across the country and got her to go to his house with him "on a vacation." Once there she took to carrying a butcher knife around the house, convinced that her DIL of 30 years was trying to kill her. Eventually they got her to a doc who prescribed anti-psychotic drugs to her and she turned into a completely different person, very sweet and docile and nice to be around. It wasn't easy, but get your mom some help before she really gets hurt or does something amazingly stupid.

Brother was very irresponsible to buy her that ticket. Unreasonable and even dangerous demands are common; dementia entails loss of reasoning ability, which is why a person with dementia needs someone to make those kinds of decisions for them and redirect and distract them. You may have to consult an eldercare attorney and get guardianship.

Rita you cannot let her go on a plane to anywhere and certainly not alone. She is not stable enough...what if she were to attack someone she thought might be spying on her on the plane? And what is she going to do where will she go when she gets there .....no no no not feasible. She needs to be assessed and placed in assisted living at the very least. Have the hallucinations been going on a while? If they have just started it could be an infection but it could be a myriad of things including but not limited to Lewy Body dementia

Rita... You are not alone !!!

I have put aside my life and smiles for a father who lives and behaves exactly as your Mom does.He's 90 and he often yells at me .. in front of people ... says a good amount of demeaning things about the family " he never wanted " . Dementia is a tough unpredictable road to travel... without support it can make us doubt ourselves and makes us very sad...

Please make sure Rita..that you have friends who truly understand .
Most of mine..don't.
Getting out in nature helps. Excersise... excersise. !! art and music..Good healthy food.. for both of you is key . I"ll do the same...I don't get to sleep through the night much... I pray your family does... xo From San Francisco ca

No, she is currently in her own apartment, on S.S., and yes. Our brother has purchased a ticket for her under her threats. I am imagining horrific things that she may encounter as soon as she lands there. I am at a loss. We know she will call us/screaming at us to bring her back. I am at a loss, as I am still grieving with the loss of my husband.
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