Why are some Mom's so nasty and cruel?

JoAnn, I bet you wouldn't. Someone has to get them to eat, take their meds, etc.

You poor people. If I had a parent/parents like that I'd change my phone number and have it unlisted.

My cousin and I (our moms are sisters) are dealing with our moms going through dementia right now. Both of our moms are pistols but now they are ridiculous...although my mom is not so bad yet. But we have come to accept that because we are the only daughters that they are the snarkest with us. Nice to everyone else, but not us. We get the looks, the comments, the guilt, etc. It is just a fact. My mom is still my best friend and I know that she would never intentionally hurt my feelings so I am not taking anything she says personal.

No way wud I even try to get POA. My brother paid her trailer off a few months ago & told her to sign the title over to me. She didn't & she even got the title so that I wudnt get the trailer at all. She has threatened to kill me, says I closed her checking account at the bank & has told everyone how terrible a daughter I am. She has always been mean too & she use to keep it under control just around the family but now she can't hide it anymore & is doing crazy mean things in public. Example trying to kick down door at a radio station.

Choloe32, have you tried to get a POA? I got one when my parents were beginning to have problems. You could mention the benefits that she might agree to, and not the ones she might object to. I was able to be honest and even got them to initial the one about selling their home if they needed my help.Which happened. Step dad is gone, mom is in a retirement home but NEEDS more care. She would fight me tooth and nail, but dreams up ways to get out of the retirement home. She doesn't think she would be any trouble to anyone. I need her close by to care for her!! It's hard!!

Sometimes they are cruel because they were wounded as a child and that wound never healed or addressed. That's true of my Depression-era mother. She doesn't have dementia nor did she "become" nasty and mean. She's been that way always. At 96, she's getting STRONGER not weaker and the virulence of her attacks and snarky comments on the phone are just getting worse and worse. Just this past month, she's invented the idea that I was trying to take her power of attorney way from her. I don't have the slightest idea what her monetary arrangements are and she is very wealthy. I'm 65 and scared to death of her. One way I've dealt with her all these years is my "100 versions of 'oh'"--when she's complaining about how physically ugly people are, or poor, or they aren't refined enough or too liberal, I just say, "oh" in a sympathetic way and try to change the subject. If I issue an opinion, I'm jumped on in a second, so I just make "oh" sounds. I'm tired.

My mom has always been negative and "needy". Now it's worse. I HIGHLY recommend anti-anxiety meds! Not tranquilizers to make them groggy, but to help them deal with their situation. My mom will ask me if this is how her life is going to be? I want to say "it's this or a nursing home" but she remembers the comments that I hope she forgets go I dare not say that. She will start the " I know you want to put me in a home" guilt trip. She needs more care than she gets, but then won't do things for herself either, like make friends, walk to strengthen her legs, take her dog out for exercise, etc. If she became more social, the other things would follow, I'm sure. I have a diary she wrote in 1991 and (before dementia). She was depressed and saying much of the same whoa is me comments. They say most people will become worse than ever when they get old. Happy note, mom called me yesterday and told me she appreciates all I do and she knows it's a burden for me, and she loves me for looking out for her!! Haven't heard that in a long time! (today she probably won't remember doing it, but hey, I WILL! ). My faith and Christian family and friends help me, not physically, but with prayer and encouraging words, and it's a big help to me. God bless us all with wisdom, patience, and whatever we need to do this. Donna

My Grandmother and I were always very close, much more than my sister who purposely did not invite our Grandmother to her wedding, never visited over decades other than phone calls, however upon learning "Nana" was a trustee for over 2.5 million cash, suddenly my Sister was hyphenating her name after using her ex husbands 2 decades after divorcing him.
She never once bathed her or cooked for her,washed her clothes or spent 24-7 , 365 on call for years for her.
My Grandmother told me when my Father was dying she was not going to stay at his home with my stepmother and wanted to avoid a care home and preserve the trust and said my stepmother was keeping $179,000 of $250,000 my Dad had extracted from my Grandmother after moving her to his home.
I got the $179,000 back and $12,000 a contractor vanished with,r I found on Megans list on a hunch. I was with her Dr vists and aid she was being over medicated and I got her drugs reduced, which mad her mad , very very mad!
Codeine was a severe addiction she admitted to, she was anemic,dizzy and s complaining about it so a cardiologist gave her Pradaxa,
which instantly ruined her and mine and my girlfriends lifes,she had the many personal tasks that I wanted to avoid, bathing her by hand cause she refused to change a claw foot tub, despite having $2 million and $42k income!
It amazes me in hindsight how she could be so intimate with my girllfriend and reliant upon her kindness yet have nothing but disdain and never appreciate a thing, she only made evident after she died! The last year she cut me out of my 1/2 of the 2.3 million trust giving it to my daughter and nobody tells me but kept using me as a slave, once she became so bad she had to go to a care home suddenly my Sister was moving her to LA o be with her! The atty who kept changing my status knew they had an AB Trust and upon Grandpas death 50% was irrevocable! I only learned this after giving up 40% of my inheritance to an atty who won my case but I lost $420k of my 1.3 million. and this ruined my relationship with my sister and daughter who were only too happy to have me painted as a loser after I did years of care and my girlfriend too! I had a care agreement , without it I might have lost everything!

Wow I'm so relieved to know that I'm not alone. My mom has been ugly to me so long and to the point that I dare not go around Her alone. She has managed to say ugly things about me to vulnerable people who do not see her or know she is being disceteful. Therefore I have learned to care on my knees in prayer. I've noticed this behavior all my life and now it's worse. Mom does seem to get along with men and prefers help from men more than women. For some reason she acts as though she is in a competition with women. Either way it does get hard and It does hurt. I just have to keep myself at a distance now. No matter what I try it doesn't work and family thinks mom is ok just talking to her on phone.

My mother has been on Namenda & Arisept for years. She told her doctors not to discuss any of her health stuff with me.

Hope this helps but my mom has memory issues (possibly Alzheimers) and she was taking Aricept. Her doctor increased her dosage and she started to become violent. She would hit me, through things and say awful things like she was going to hit me over the head, etc. Her doctor then put her on a drug to combat that but it was not recommended for seniors so when she had to change doctors I asked her neurologists and she took her off that and put her on Namenda with the Aricept. After trying a few different dosages, we finally got it right and now my mom is the sweetest person. Occasionally she will get frustrated and say I am going to slap you but as soon as I say that is not nice, she immediately says she is sorry and hugs me. I firmly believe that a lot of the violence, anger and hostility comes from the drugs and just needs to be tweaked until they find the right combination. Please tell your mothers doctor about this and ask that they review her medication and make adjustments to see if it helps. Trust me the change is unbelievable. From violence, hitting, ugly outburst to hugging, smiling and being very sweet. Night and day...and all it took was a decrease dosage of Aricept and adding Namenda in the right dosage.

If a person was that way when young, they just get worse, more of the same. If not, dementia can make a person that way. My mother was never that way and when she started becoming argumentative and difficult, the doctor put her on Zoloft which helped. In her case, it is due to dementia, but the striking out is also from depression and frustration of being trapped in an old helpless body and having to live where you don't want to live. And it seems they are more apt to take it out on their children or the ones they love the most.

I know how you feel although my mother has always been mean & jealous of me. I have two brothers that will not help me either. I had to finally get a restraining order against her after she came to my work place, a bank, and told other people that work there that she wanted to kill me. The bank had to call the police. I was so embarrassed. She has threatened me before but not in public. I wish I someone could help her but she thinks nothing is wrong with her. I don't know if it's dementia, her meds or that's she's just mean. I pray that things get better & that God will heal my mom.

Not ALL mothers are nasty and cruel. It takes a long time to determine what issues she had in her childhood and life to determine why she is acting out, or with dementia she is not responsible for what she says. Cut her some slack as she will become non-verbal eventually. Take care of yourself too.

You never mentioned if she was like this before or if she has been diagnosed with dementia. Before dementia/alz., my mom was so very, very sweet. After....whew, didn't know she even knew those words or names for people! If she has always been mean then do not engage and DON'T take it personally. It's her that has the problem not you. For some reason there are people that are miserable, maybe from their childhoods, maybe from something else. There are so many reasons for meanness. Whatever it is, it hurts I know, but just know that you are not alone and she's doing it because there is something wrong with her and not you. Good Luck and God Bless

Please don't take it personal. I know it hurts, but it is the dementia, she can't help it. I am sorry for what you are going through.

If this nastiness just started it could be meds or needs a med. I agree, their lives have changed for the worse. Do u think they want to live like this for years? But I have also heard that they were always nasty just could hide it, now they don't.

Personally, I couldn't care for an abusive parent. I don't have the ability to shut them out.

letney0119 I know how you feel. My Mom is the same way calling me names and blaming for things I did not do. Bring someone with you when you are visiting or doing things for her. My Mom does not dare treat me wrongly when someone else is with me.

My mother is vicious and mean. She appears to not care that I am her sole caregiver even though she has 3 sons. So recently I have tuned out her meanness and gone about the business of fixing her meals without engaging. Now I feel that this is not the answer. I feel like a jailer going to give prisoner their meals and meds and that is it. I don't make eye contact, or even respond when she offers comments other that maybe a hmm or yes, no answer. Is that fair? No, but, it is the only way to deal with her most times. At night, I think about how lonely she must be and how frightening that is. As for meals and other little things I can handle that. The socialization is what she needs and my brothers could help with that but it is like they don't care. So I understand nasty and cruel from your mom. Maybe she, like my mom, is starved for human contact.

Why? Well, some were nasty and cruel at 35. Some are mentally ill. Some because of undiagnosed reactions to their meds. And some because they are so very miserable in their untreated depression that they become absolutely impossible.

It's important to remember that what we do to help people like this is by CHOICE. In many cases, we may feel worse by NOT helping these abusive crabby cakes than we do by listening to their vitriolic baloney. If we chose NOT to help, after all, it's not as if they'll be floated out to sea on an iceberg.

SOMEtimes, when we remember we have a choice in the matter, it becomes easier to tune out their baloney. I hope in some small way this gives you some small peace.

When people (of any age) but especially the elderly, they are miserable, in pain (physically or emotionally) and frustrated by their limitations or not getting exactly what they want...or need. Depending on the 'nastiness' -- you may want to just listen. Be patient. Don't argue with her -- maybe just go along with whatever complaints she has, like, "Ugh, I know. That's terrible. But how about we do *this* instead?" ----

But...

If she is downright insulting and cruel, you can just leave or like the above comments stated, bring someone with you. Don't respond to the negativity if it is cruel. They want a reaction, whether negative or positive. So there's two sides to the coin: nastiness because they're just cranky and not feeling well, and then you have nastiness because they are somehow seeking out some sort of revenge for whatever reason that YOU do NOT have to tolerate. And remember, the more words you speak, the less they listen. I learned that the hard way.

I don't know if that helped any, but that's what I've been learning in my experience with this sort of thing.

Good luck and guard yourself from the negativity. Be strong!

I recently had a similar experience where my mother yelled at me for everything. The more I did for her, the more she yelled at me. Yes, she also cursed. I would get upset and leave when she acted that way. What I resolved to do was to get help with counseling for me first. The my counselor suggested that I delegate services to others which I have put in place. I told my mother that it's best if we enjoy doing fun things together and let other people help her with other things. I also got a social worker who can handle paperwork for her and be a liaison/buffer between mom and me. Please take care of yourself.

Do not visit her alone. Take someone with you. She will behave better if there are other people present. My sister in law has the same problem. Once she started taking a cousin with her, mom behaved better.