I'm quite overwhelmed with this whole situation and depressed as well. Any advice?

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DrewBot Asked May 2015

I'm quite overwhelmed with this whole situation and depressed as well. Any advice?

Hi,
I am a 33 year old guy with a wife and 13 yr old stepson. I don't yet have any kids of my own, but would really like to have one or more if possible. I am concerned that I may have to become a caregiver soon. I am stressing because of the possible amount of people who will rely on me for care.
My dad has an almost 20 year history of having strokes and is now on dialysis and is in the hospital almost monthly for various problems. His mental function is declining and he is fairly lazy in wanting my terminally ill mom to wait on him hand and foot and to clean up after him when he vomits. He also has pretty poor eyesight and can no longer drive. At times, he even needs help eating.
There is no way he could funtion on his own when my mom passes.
My mom is currently battling stage 4 cancer and is doing chemo to really try to give her a bit more time here. She is weakening quickly and may need alot of help soon.
The thing that really complicated things is that my brother has lost his eyesight and is legally blind. He knew for years that he had diabetes, but never tried to take care of himself. He eats like crap still. He is on dialysis and is also in and out of the hospital. He has no wife or kids so once again, it may fall on me somehow to take care of him soon.
We have a really small house with a tiny spare room. Ideally that would be the babies room, but we may very well have to turn it intoy mom and or dad's room instead. That would leave no space at all for another child.
This probably sounds selfish, but I think I should be able to have room for another child if we want one.

Burnout

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score 8 · Answer 1

I agree with you. Do not even offer to take them in. Help arrange care for them, etc. but you need to have a life, too.

Your parents both seem like they could arrange for their own long term care, I would encourage that. If one should happen to go to the hospital, it is easier to get them placed from there. Keep stating to the doctors that they cannot go home.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.

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score 7 · Answer 2

You have ZERO obligation to take in your father or your brother. ZERO. As a loving son/brother, you can do what you can to help them, while realizing that your FIRST priority is to your wife and children. They come first.

Start researching facilities for both of them and as Chicago says, if they go to the hospital, say they cannot go home. The hospital folks may push you to take them (it makes their lives easier). But that's not what you want or need.

Spend some time on here and look at all of the stories about what a nightmare it can be to move family members in with you. The fact that neither your dad or brother show any inclination to take care of themselves makes it even more important for you to set boundaries. They'd be happy to have you take over and take care of them. Don't do it.

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score 6 · Answer 3

My advice to you would be to look into care facilities for your loved ones.

Also I would like to say that children can share rooms.

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score 6 · Answer 4

I can't quite see a 13 year old sharing a room with a baby. Too many disturbances during the night.

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score 6 · Answer 5

There is time to make plans and find out information. Sounds like your mom could use some HOSPICE care and not be a caregiver herself. Finding proper placement for your brother and father. If dad is hospitalized or mom is, that is the perfect time to make a change in housing for them. Have an idea where you want them to go. (Go and visit places now so that you already have seen some of your choices.)

Your brother, contact the services for blind in your state. They can help him find housing and assistance. Since he is or will be blind he can qualify for disabled housing and assistance...not your problem.

There may still be a great deal to take care of from afar without being the primary care taker.

Save that room for babies! Stay connected on here and Best wishes!

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score 5 · Answer 6

contact your local area agency on aging, they will be able to give you information on options in your area. There are programs available for in home care as well as paying for a nursing home or assisted living facility. You can only do so much so take a deep breath. Attend a dr. appointment with your dad, see what kind of care the doctor recommends, make sure he/she knows your mom is ill and not really able to care for dad. I am a caregiver too, but if my dad needed home care for an extended time, I know I can't quite work to take care of him, nor can most people. Spend quality time with them while you can, look for in home services or look into the possibility of both going into a facility; this would be easier for both of them for they'd have medical personnel caring for them 24 hrs. a day. You wouldn't have to worry about cooking or home chores etc. You may want to speak with an attorney regarding paying for a nursing home and saving the family home (if they own). good luck, I know it's frustrating and depression but remember you are not alone.. There are many caregivers with all sorts of caregiving needs. Life is to short not to enjoy it.

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score 5 · Answer 7

Drew, if you start to feel overwhelmed read this article, it was a life saver for me because I knew there just wasn't any way I could be a physical hands-on caregiver, but I could give help in other ways.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

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score 4 · Answer 8

If you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed, please talk with someone about your feelings (perhaps your PCP) and find a councilor or local support group. Don't let the depression affect your wife and child and work. A short term on an antidepressant may do wonders...

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score 4 · Answer 9

thank you all for the input! i have some phone calls to make for sure. getting things put into place ahead of time could spare me some stress later.

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score 1 · Answer 10

This is for deadonarrival: I do believe that in cases of abuse, it is all right to leave a marriage. Please consider going to an abused women's shelter. Call the police department and they can direct you. Since you no longer have many belongings, there won't be much to pack or to leave behind.

Your children will likely support you 100% in this, I'm sure that they are concerned for your wellbeing. Leave the man to the cousin he prefers.

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I'm quite overwhelmed with this whole situation and depressed as well. Any advice?

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