Mom just moved into IL 2 weeks ago, loves the apt, but won't leave it, shower, or change her clothes. Any advice?

Thank you, WomenofGod. We did purchase her a shower chair. We are 3 hours away but local family has reported she is still wearing the same outfit, that it has not been washed, she isn't brushing her hair, and she told them that I was coming in at night and doing her laundry. !?!??!?! Clearly we are dealing with more advanced dementia than we had thought. I have a call into the Senior Community services department to talk about assistance with showering and laundry. I just can't figure how to get her OUT of her dirty clothes and into clean ones from this distance. :(

When I came to live with my mom 2 months ago I am not sure how often she was taking a shower. She said every other day, but she has a bladder issue. I went to Wal-mart and bought a shower chair and now she takes a shower everyday. Independent living there is really no one to make sure she is showering maybe you can help with the showering process or hire a outside caregiver.

Mom is 82 and has been very active in church committees and activities until the last 18 months. She was physically very active and could out-walk me until only recently and has grown progressively more cut of form the world and only seems to enjoy "word-searches". She used to love card games and dice games- at least we have her playing Bingo. She has been to the doctor and is still on NO MEDS! Her health is amazing and she is now taking some iron for borderline anemia and some multivitamins.

SoozeS how old is your mom? What she's doing sounds more like depression to me than dementia necessarily. Has she been to a doctor to check her levels of things like thyroid and B12? I'd make sure she had a good physical to rule out any kind of medical problem causing her behavior and I'd explain to the doctor what's happening to see if an antidepressant might help.

In the same boat with Cincin- Mom has been in her IL apartment for over a month and "tells" us she is doing her laundry and bathing, but we know otherwise. We live 180 miles away and local family has proven to be of NO help. We have coerced her into going on one field trip activity, but she is balking at going on any more despite the fact that we come down and go with her, etc. She has no interest in leaving the apartment for any reason other than to go to the dining hall and eat. She does not make phone calls, does not write cards or letters, does not watch any TV programs and is withdrawing entirely from even opening her blinds. :( Is this normal aging or is this dementia?

Txcamper, Thanks so much for you sweet response, it's great to know that we are not alone , I'm so grateful that I found this site, it helps so much to read all the kind thoughts of people dealing with the same issues. I don't mind doing anything my mother needs I just am hoping that she will start meeting some folks and having a bit of a social life.

I should proofread. I meant to say driving her to the store yourself. It sounds as though I meant throw her in the shower at the store. I meant at her apartment, of course. Maybe you can figure out what I meant.

Oh, Cincin, bless your heart. She sounds like my mom who doesn't like to use a cane or a walker because they're for old people. She's 93! She'd rather fall I guess.

Well, I think you're doing just about all you can do short of driving her there yourself and throwing her in the shower when you get there. Maybe you could do like some others have advised, and stay away for awhile. Just do a 180 and give her a couple of weeks to decide she has to do it. Maybe the antidepressant will work a miracle, been known to happen.

No she's not driving , at the IL living apt they provide transportation to the grocery store and Dr's appts , so various outings. They do the housekeeping once a week, change the sheets ect. I have been to the apt everyday except 2 in the past 2 weeks but she doesn't want to socialize with all the "old people", shes 80.

Can you hire a home health aide to come a couple of times a week for a few weeks? If so maybe they could shower her, do some light housekeeping (change the sheets, vacuum) and just generally keep her company and get her acclimated to her new home. She may be having trouble adjusting the water temperature, or not understand how to turn on the heater to warm the bathroom. You know, things we take for granted.

She said she went to the grocery store, but didn't. She's still driving? Is it a different neighborhood from where she used to live? Did she forget where the grocery store is?

Our homes can become our cocoons if we're not careful. If you want her to get out of the apartment, you may have to step up and help her help herself for a while. The antidepressant may help her, or it may make her a drooling lump of clay. I've seen both ends of the spectrum.

It may take her a few weeks to settle in and meet new people. Sometimes we have to take the initiative and help them learn the ropes of the new place. She may be overwhelmed.

If you watch the Teepa Snow videos on Youtube about dementia (which are all great) you'll see that initiative is one of the things that goes away. I see that with my mom every day. She says she'll do something, but she doesn't. Day after day. It's hard not to get frustrated, but it's her brain and she can't help it. She can't figure out how to get from Point A to Point B. I don't think the anti-depressant will help your mom, because it can't fix her brain. From what you've said, I think your mom needs to be in assisted living, where she'll get help to perform her daily functions.

I weigh my mom every week when I shower her, because when her weight drops much more (she's at 125 from her normal 150-160), I'll know she's not eating enough. I have lots of food around that she can snack on, with no preparation.

Your mom may *think* she's showered. My mom can't remember my brother called five minutes later. She can't remember her age. She can't remember to look at the sign I have had posted on her couch for six months to tell her how old she is. And she doesn't have Alzheimers. So your mom is probably at a level where she needs more care than my mom. That's just my opinion, I'm sure others will comment on here as well.

Blannie, My mom has moderate dementia, she says she showers but she doesn't, she has gone down for some meals but isn't consistant, I bring food also which she can fix easily in the microwave or toaster. I'm just wondering if the antidepressant will help with her motivation after a while. I'm an only child and my father is in ltc for the past 11yrs after having a stroke. I'm just at a loss as to what to do to help my Mom adjust.

I see from your profile your mom has Alzheimers. What stage is she in? I'm wondering if she needs a higher level of care than independent living, where they pretty much leave you alone.

My mom's in independent living and has memory loss (but not Alzheimers). She has no initiative at this point. I go over to shower her or she'd never shower either. I do her laundry and she stays in pajamas every day, except for shower day when I get her dressed. She's 95, so I figure I'll let her do what she wants to do. I bring her food, which she's able to fix on her own (in the microwave or toaster). How does your mom get her meals?