I want to move out of state to be near my daughters but will have to leave my paralyzed husband. Advice?

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nissan12 Asked May 2015

I want to move out of state to be near my daughters but will have to leave my paralyzed husband. Advice?

I have taken care of my husband with severe MS for the last 8 yrs. He has had 3 UTI's in the last couple years and each time he would he would lose his strength. He would go to a NH for rehab which helped. The last time he did not get enough strength back for me to care for him at home. I had to make the decision that he needed to live in a home for more care than i could give him. He has lived there for the last 1 1/2 years but now has become much weaker and is paralyzed accept for his left arm and hand. He has accepted all this and never complains.
We have 2 daughters that work full time and live out of state. This past year i have suffered from stress exhaustion, thyroid/adrenal fatique after he moved to a home. I have seeked help and am feeling better. Going through this i have realized i would like to get an apt. close to my daughters that live out of state but i can't afford to move him in his condition. I feel guilty wanting to do this but i also feel i need to live my life to. The girls are all i have plus one 16 yr old grandaughter. It would be hard to visit him due to the distance i would move to. I divorced him in '96 and we remarried in 2006 he was much better then. Now i feel like i'm deserting him. I can do nothing more for him. I am 70 and he is 73.

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score 4 · Answer 1

I feel so sorry for you. Being so far away from your kids and also facing the care of your husband. I totally understand as I have not seen my kids for three years. You know the road goes two ways. I am overlooking my kids not coming here, but when my mom was ill, I did what I had to do and traveled many miles to be with her when I was off work. I was a Realtor, so I could control the time a bit more than a 40 hour week. I agree with those who tell you to check on the services that you will be giving up and moving to another state. You might find out that moving him will be beneficial. Maybe go stay there for 30 days or so. You might find out you don't see your kids that often and it is not like you thought it would be. Just a thought. I for one am ready to leave after about a week visiting night and day with my kids. They have their lives and I have mine. Their life is a far cry from mine.

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score 2 · Answer 2

Thanks everyone for your ideas and replies. I have seen a counselor and checked out other things mentioned.

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score 1 · Answer 3

do you divorce him at every downturn ? just wondering . my ex divorced me twice in 20 yrs . theres a bipolar illness involved on her behalf but due to constricted blood vessels feeding her brain the strokes are going to keep on coming . she could die at the bottom of my driveway before id give her a drink of water .. contracts can be irreversibly broken .. oh yea , i could need someone too but its already been established that she aint gonna be there for the long haul .

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score 1 · Answer 4

I know the price of moving someone who is too physically disabled to travel by conventional private vehicle is steep, but are you sure there are no funds for it? Ground transport would likely be a few thousand dollars, and if you can make sure he will have Medicaid coverage in the new state or continuation of his current coverage somehow, it might even be better to take out a loan if you had to, and get that done so the whole family can be in the same city. I got quotes from Eastern Royal and a few other services to see about bringing my Dad from Pittsburgh to Arkansas and it might have worked out - but he had another pneumonia and died form sepsis instead of recovering as he had before, and my mom was actually able to travel on Southwest when I brought her here a little after that. Or, you could plan frequent travel back and forth yourself if you are up to it, which would in the long run be nearly the same expense. If he can Skype or do video conversations some other way the separations might seem less awful too.

You really are in a hard place, and I hope and pray something can be done to make it less awful on everyone!!

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score 2 · Answer 5

I took a vow when I married my husband, "And forsaking all others, cleave you only unto him so long as you both shall leave." That is the only answer I can give you. I hurt for you. My hubby is in his seventh year of dementia, and his brilliant mind has turned to mush, and he has become very frail. I have to toilet him and do everything for him. Yes, I have a daughter, son-in-law, and two teen-age grandsons living in the apartment upstairs, but even if they weren't there, I would stand by him no matter what. Our health insurance has a benefit whereby I can have a health care worker come in no more than eight hours a day and no more than thirty-five hours a week, and I would probably go that route if I had to. Have you checked this out with your health insurance? If not, I urge you to do so. I never thought about it until my daughter advised me to make the call, which I did. Sometimes we just don't realize what's out there for us.

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score 3 · Answer 6

Nissan, I can't imagine how you feel. Not really. I have no idea what it is like to be in your terribly sad, terribly stressful position.

But it does sound as if you're a bit too close to the trees to be able to see the wood. Is there any possibility that you could get away for a proper break and take quiet time to think things through uninterrupted?

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score 3 · Answer 7

I fully understand your feeling of fight or flight, but running away will not solve your problem. You would also lose your Medicaid coverage as soon as you leave the county you are in. Talk to your caseworker. Talk to your doctor about meds for anxiety. Get some counseling from your county Office of the Aging and see what other options are available. Being on your own is far better than living with kids.

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score 0 · Answer 8

Here's the deal: you MUST do the lesser of two evils . . . In other words, neither option is going to be pain free for you; so you must think this through, perhaps even a visit with a counselor to help, and then choose the option that hurts the least.

Sigh. I am so sorry for your plight. Anyone who wouldn't encourage you to go nearer your daughters should be required to walk in your shoes a good long while.

I assume your daughters completely and unequivocally support your moving near them. Perhaps, although you couldn't move your husband right away, you might be able to do so with some planning, help from your daughters, husband's family, and a big dose of good fortune...

I surely wish you well.

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I want to move out of state to be near my daughters but will have to leave my paralyzed husband. Advice?

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