How to stop the guilt?

If it was my mom, I would be doing exactly what you are doing. Spend as much time with your mom as you can, she will know you are there. Hospice can help you too, don't be afraid to share your feelings and ask questions, they usually have a phamplet on what to expect, listing signs and stages of this process. I wish Peace and comfort to you and your family, 🙏

Patrice2oz, thank you, and I am talking to hospice now, I think she is getting out of the hospital tomorrow, if I am not mistaken and Hospice asked me too if I was going to sign a don’t not resuscitate.

Blannie, everything u said about when u seen them do it to a elderly lady, I kept thinking of my mom and I would never want them to do that to her.

Maryanne56, Hospice sounds like something I would very much like, the lady broke down how it works and it made me feel a little at easy.

MaggieMarshall, I am doing it my self, cause my dad doesn't quite understand what’s going on, he doesn't speak English very well and doesn't comprehend things like the average Joe, it takes him a while, I have to explain things to him and he has me doing all the medical, legal and Financial responsibilities (that all use to be my moms job). I know I wasn't going to have my mom for the rest of my life that would be selfish, but reality is hitting home hard.

Countrymouse, thank you, all of yall are helping me with this. And Patrice2oz is right u did give me excellent advice

Terryjack1, her quality of life is poor, she doesn't want to eat (thank goodness she has a peg tube), she doesn't want to talk, she is crying everyday and sleeps. We have never spoken in the pass about stuff like this, because we never thought we would ever be in situation. I did ask the Dr and she told me if it was her mom she would put her on blood thinners.



Thank you, everyone!!! Today I am feeling a little bit better, I just need to keep praying that I have done the right thing for my mom, and based on what all of yall are telling me I feel as if I have made the right choice. I have lost my grandmother and sister, my sister was unexpectedly and my grandma I seen it coming about 4 months prior, those were both are to take it but I dealt with them in the best possible way, with my grandma I kind of mentally prepared my self for it, but then again I wasn't as close as I am with my mom. I keep trying to prepare my self for it for my mom, and it’s just seems impossible, I feel like that’s going to be my breaking point.

Country mouse excellent advice!

What is her quality of life? What is her prognosis? Have you ever spoken about end of life care at any time in the past? Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. If mom gets the blood thinners and lives, what would her quality of life be? Would she want to live with a poor quality of life? These answers are personal based upon our thoughts, opinions & beliefs and they are individual based. No matter what, you need to make a decision based on, 'what is in her best interest?'. You can ask her doctor for guidance, no matter what you decide you should not feel guilt for you made the decision with a loving heart. You are not alone, many people make decisions like this everyday, there are many caregivers out there. I'm sorry this has happened to your family. Good luck.

Kperez, I am fetching a deep and heartfelt sigh over what is being done to you, a loving daughter, by contemporary thinking on medical ethics.

It's to do with informed consent. Each patient, and therefore the patient's appointed POA, which would be you, has the right to be presented with all of the clinical information on which to base his or her free decisions about treatment. This is of course A Good Thing, compared with the bad old days when high-handed clinicians made sweeping judgements about what patients should be told and, essentially, played God.

But what is a lousy and mean thing is to say to a loving daughter: "your mother is between a rock and a hard place. Which would you prefer her to come up against?" This has nothing to do with informed consent and everything to do with abdicating clinical responsibility in a situation where there are no certainties and all of the available choices have frightening drawbacks.

You have every right to go back to whichever of your mother's doctors you feel the most confidence in and say "tell me what to do. If it were your mother, what would you do and why would you make that choice?"

The decisions you are being asked to make are terrifying because they are so potentially significant. You are afraid of getting it wrong. If you were taking this in your stride and not questioning whether you were making the right choice, then that might make you, if not the worst, certainly the most unthinking person out there.

Review the decisions you've made with a qualified practitioner you trust to be truthful. Once you've done that, you have done the very best you can do and guilt has no business tormenting you again.

Why are you doing this to yourself? First of all, a Do Not Resuscitate order is a kindness. Mom is going to die. It is part of the Circle of Life. Being a loving companion to her on her journey is your gift to her.

Ask her doctor if it's time to consider hospice for mom. Sounds like it might be. And remember that YOU don't make that decision. You, her doctor and hospice come to a consensus. It may be time.

You asked how to say your sentence? If you mean that you want to stop the medical care you can say something like this to the doctors:

I have decided that mom has suffered enough and I would like to get hospice involved now.

I am sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying.
Patrice

Your heart is in the right place I believe, it does make you feel guilty because you could try all outlets, but IS it really in her best interest. Hospice is a Godsend once you get them involved. They will make every effort to keep her comfortable, give you options and want to be there for HER as much as for you. They even come out to give baths, as well..that helped me a great deal when I was caregiving for my father.

I see from your profile your mom has Alzheimers/dementia. With Alzheimers, she has a fatal illness to begin with. So your job, as a loving daughter, is to make her remaining time as comfortable as possible, not to extend that time. Hospice is a very good idea, they can help you make the right decisions and feel comfortable with your choices.

I worked in a hospital many years ago and saw them try to resuscitate an elderly lady whose heart had stopped. There were probably 6-8 people in her brightly lit room. Different medical personnel were pounding on her chest and doing CPR to try to revive her. It was NOT a peaceful way to go, it was loud and felt chaotic/frantic to me (as an observer). I vowed at that time that I wouldn't put my loved ones through that. My mom has a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order on her and I'm at peace that she feels that way too. I think you made the right decision.

Hugs...what you're going through is tough on anyone who loves their parent.

What helped me in making the decision to let my mom go was that i did not want her to suffer anymore and her quality of life would not get better. My moms neurogist said to me when my mom was in the hospital, can the doctors correct the current problem, yes, but should they?

My heart goes out to you. Perhaps talking to a social worker or hospice nurse will help you in making these decisions. You know what your mom wants but your loving heart is having a hard time accepting this. All very normal. I pray that God will guide you with understanding and peace. BGood luck

Jeannegibbs, no i don't want to kill her off, i just didn't know how to state it in a sentence, and yes i am wanting to prevent her from going through needless suffering when there is no chance she will ever return to full or even acceptable partial health.

no, she isnt coherent, maybe 10 yrs ago when i was 17 or 18 yrs old before she started getting sick she did tell me that the reason she had me so late in life was to take care of her if anything happen ( i know she was kidding about that, but i took it seriously) and then she laughed but she did tell me being seriously that didn't want to be on life support ever or do not ever put her in a nursing home, i have respected her and not put her in a nursing home, i am trying to get her on hospice when she gets out the hospital.

I am really trying, i do keep telling me self, that every thing i do for her, is for her best interest. i just really hate that i got stuck in this position. i keep praying and telling my self that is she does go into cardiac arrest that its just gods way of saying its time for her to go home, and that i cant be selfish, i need to just let her rest in peace.

Good heavens, kperez! I doubt VERY much that you "want to kill her off." I'm pretty sure you want to prevent her from going through needless suffering when there is no chance she will ever return to full or even acceptable partial health.

Is she conscious and coherent? Can you even discuss this with her now? Does she have an advance directive (living will) that explains her outlook and attitude about end-of-life issues? If she does, read that over and make your decisions as best you can in accordance with her wishes. If she doesn't, then maybe it is she who failed as a mother and left you with these decisions with no guidance.

But that is nonsense. I just said it to make a point. Neither of you is "failing" in your roles. You, dear daughter, are doing the best you can with VERY difficult choices.

I hope you can lose the guilt. (Unless I'm wrong, and you really do want to kill her off -- then you should feel guilty.) If it linger even though you don't deserve it, push it out of the way and make the best decisions you can in spite of it. What should be driving your actions is what is best for mother (as imperfectly as you can see that), and not what will help you feel less guilty.

I am so very sorry you are in this position. (Sorry that your mother is, too, of course.) Do your best, in love.