My partner and I moved to care for her Mother but she refuses to do anything we ask of her. What do we do?

Daveplshelp -

Get the mother to a neurologist ASAP for a cognitive evaluation. "Won't" is probably "Can't".

My mother did not start out with memory loss as the big sign of dementia. Her big problem was following instructions and doing multi-step processes. She lost her emotional control pretty early. Also her social filters that had kept her fit to be around other people for any period of time. Everybody chalked it up to being weirder with age and exceptionally difficult and trying, but it was cognitive decline.

I close the door SPECIFICALLY because I grew up with a mother who became irate at closed doors. I let my kids close their bedroom doors because I never was allowed to. PRIVACY by golly! I am going to be that senile woman who gets lost in the bathroom **because** the door is shut. :-D

I think it was the way mom grew up or something. They must not have ever had any privacy whatsoever which is kind of creepy once the kids are in puberty.

The worse was when she would call me to chit-chat and be pooping and farting away on her end of the phone like I wouldn't mind. Disgusting. And I told her so, like it made any difference at all.

As for being in the bathroom without closing the door, that could be just a long time habit. There are times when I stop over to my parents and sure enough Mom is in the bathroom using the toilet and the door is wide open. This has been the norm for decades. You can't change old habits.

Gosh, when I am home alone I close the door. How many of us do that?

This sounds like my mother would have been. She owned the house and every body else needed to remember that. If you moved in, uninvited, I would move out. If there is some written agreement and she is paying you, it is time to re-visit the contract.

Tackle these issues one at a time. Quit trying to change her and start changing the mechanics of what's happening. She forgets...she has some level of dementia. Whatever the reason, just fix the ISSUES.

For the bathroom door issue, you could put an automatic closer contraption on the hinges. They work just fine. Orrrrr, take the door off and put a fixed curtain up using a spring tension rod.

For the bedroom door issue, when you want privacy, simply lock the door. Put a new doorknob on with a thumb lock. Easy-Peasy.

Fix 'em all one at a time. Your MIL probably has, in some ways, the mindset of a three-year-old. Patience and ingenuity!

Mum may have some dementia at her age and she can no longer reason properly. You should think long and hard about sharing a home for the long haul. Mum is going to get more frail and need lots of care. Are you prepared to bath her, take her to the bathroom, or loo, and put up with senile behavior?