littlecuban Asked June 2015

Do you think that it's fair for my sister to tell me that I need to move to a different city to take care of our Father and leave my husband?

I have a sister and two a brother. our father is 91 year old he lives 400 mile away from me. one of my brother live in a different state.my sister live 11/2 from him. i went to see him more than she did. our father just got sick and instead of needing a part time care know he needs a full time care. Where I live there nothing for him medical because i live near a military base that were i go for medical. when he was in the hospital my husband and i drove 400 miles to see him for a week and she only went for two days and that was because the social worker needed for her to fill out papers since she is my dad legal guardian.so she decided to move him with her since she doesn't have a husband because he die 8 years ago. so she hire a person to take care of him while she work. so know she is always complaining about everything that she can't go get her stuff done like she did before. but i think she thinks since i don't work i should pack up and move so i can take care of our dad and tell my husband i will see you when dad die. so she can have her freedom back. i told my father and he said now way and if i did that he will never talk to me because he said i have a great husband and that is not fair for me to lose him. i went home when our mother was dying with my kids and took care of her by my self and at that time our dad was in a little better health than what he is know but with her we knew she only had a month with dad we don't know. twice he has been in hospital really sick that we thought this is it and he has come out of it. my brother is against of me moving. i told my dad her and her family always throwing at my face that i don't work. my husband has a great job and i am able to stay home. we travel and know they throw that too.i will still go and visit my dad but i am not going to move because she want me to. i would do that to my husband. my father understand but she is very selfish. she call me to tell me that my dad piss on himself or poo and that she has to be cleaning him up. i have done it before when i went to visit him at his own house and i didn't call her to complain about it i just clean it up and move on. i did it with our mom too and never call to complain.

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First in the heading, you said she told you to move, then in the body of your letter she thinks you should move. If she told you to move, that is from left field. If she thinks you should move, are you a mind reader? Dad needs more care than one person can provide. When he goes to the hospital again, she needs to tell them she can no longer care for him and they need to assist with nursing home placement. Expecting you to move across the country is a bit much, but I can see where she is overloaded.

Helpful Answer (7)

You and your sister are still having childhood issues. She has told you that she needs help, that she no longer feels like taking care of Dad alone or even with an aide while she works. She is feeling jealousy over the fact that you have the freedom to travel with your husband and she has neither - freedom or a husband. Tattling to your father is also a childish thing to do, really. Of course, he would tell you not to leave your husband, I'd be surprised if he said anything else! However, that also tells me that he isn't suffering from dementia, or at least not too far gone. So the care is mostly physical, rather than mental. Your sister needs a break, though and she is asking for your help. People who are stretched too thin tend to become abusive. NOT saying she will, but it could happen. You have it in your power to help her out. Now you need to find it in your heart.

Good luck and God bless.

Helpful Answer (7)

If neither one of you want to care for your father...because it is a FULL TIME job...SELL his house and put him in a residence. One good thing about this site...is that you can write out all your thoughts and anger, and unload some of the frustration...get good feedback...and hopefully make some very difficult choices and MOVE on! Good luck.

Helpful Answer (5)

I don't usually nitpick like this but for heaven's sake, LC - 1 and a half what? 1.5 hours? 1.5 miles? 1.5 light years? Use units!

But to answer your question, it is perfectly fair for your sister to express the view that you should do more to help with your father. It is equally fair for you to tell her to get stuffed, if that is how you feel about it. But feeling hard done by because someone is "making you feel guilty" - when what they've actually done is express an opinion that you're uncomfortable with, rightly or not - is daft. Stop resenting your sister for asking and instead offer what help you think is reasonable.

Helpful Answer (5)

Robin's right; there's an inconsistency in what your sister is suggesting you do.

Also, you wrote that your "sister live 11/2 from him". Could you explain this? I'm not sure if it means miles or is a time distance.

In addition, I'm confused by this statement:

"Where I live there nothing for him medical because i live near a military base that were i go for medical." Are you or your husband in the military? Are there no nonmilitary medical facilities at all in the area? What about AL or SNF facilities?

And 400 miles just isn't that far. Depending on the roads, it could be an 8 hour +/- trip, so it's doable.

Beyond the disagreement between the two of you, there is the issue of care for your father. I think instead of focusing on who's done what or hasn't done this or that, the important issue is that you and your siblings find a solution so that your father is well cared form now, when he needs you.

Perhaps each of you may have to sacrifice a bit; you wrote that you and your husband travel a lot; perhaps you could travel to your father's area to help with his care and give your sister a break. That seems reasonable to me.

It's time to be creative in helping your father.

Helpful Answer (4)

Stop being selfish and travel out to see him at least once a month with your husband. i don't think you really heard what she was trying to tell you in the beginning. She was trying to tell you she needed your help too! Your in this together so even though it interferes with your life as it is deal with it.One day you will be in the same situation and it can come back and bite you in the a**!You are in denial as you are not seeing him and the care he needs. he cared for you growing up now it's your turn to care for him!

Helpful Answer (4)

Suella, I was agreeing with everything you said... and then this came: "he cared for you growing up now it's your turn to care for him!" I SO wish you and other people like you would stop assuming that everyone's parent(s) cared for them as they should have while they were children/teenagers. My growing up pretty much sucked, and I resent that it is now "my turn". If I am to care for my father the way he cared for me then I should be making his life suck now, too, huh? I won't do that. I will care for him properly. But I will resent every minute of it. Please stop assuming everyone's childhood was as nice as yours apparently was.

Helpful Answer (4)

Instead of going back and forth and finding fault with each other...why don't you tell her that you cannot leave your family to take care of your father. NO ONE would do that. Your father has a home...he can be well taken care of in a nice facility! Our parents don't need us 24/7 at the end of their lives...they just need to be kept clean, well fed, and comfortable. Visiting them is really all you need to do. You need to stop feeling guilty, tell her what you are going to do...and if she want to care for her father it's up to her. I think you should move on. Take care....

Helpful Answer (4)

It's not selfish not to take on the care of two parents...eventually when they are older, have dementia, or are bedridden...which could be years...YOU WILL HAVE NO LIFE, NO ENERGY, AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY...THEY WILL NOT OUTLIVE YOU!!! If your parents have the money to move to a nice facility, don't feel guilty!

Helpful Answer (3)

Hang on a sec...the sister works full time and there are 10 hours of care going in ...and what about the other 14? who is doing those? I don't think your sister would have the capacity to do a full time job drive 1.5 hours to Dad do some care come home take care of her own house then start over again the next day. She is telling you she can't or doesn't want to do it and she is right to voice that.

Now what you have to do is say I am unwilling to do that too so we need to consider care for Dad. It's not rocket science for heavens sake and I will scream it till I am blue in the face some people were not born to care neither are they willing to give up their lives to care AND THAT IS ALL RIGHT.

The critical issue is getting the right care for your father. So stop squabbling and start making plans for his safe future because right now all this must be making him feel 10 times worse than he needs to feel. Failure to meet his needs is abuse so think about that and make sure he is taken care of - ACT IN HIS BEST INTEREST. that doesn't necessarily mean do what he wants but you have to consider his needs

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Do you think that it's fair for my sister to tell me that I need to move to a different city to take care of our Father and leave my husband?

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