Daughter wants to force us to attend Senior Center. How can we get her to leave us alone?

Amott, I agree with GardenArtist and it would drive me nutty if one day my children pushes me to attend senior center activities. I am an introvert, and prefer time alone to spending time with any group. I don't even like to go to movies much. As long as I am competent, they will not tell me what to do, maybe not even then.

However, you have some medical issues yourself and hubby has LBD. You will probably not be able to care for him forever. The numbers of caregivers that pass before the person they are caring for due to the stress is absolutely alarming. Somebody here will chime in on the actual numbers, I am sure. Would the transition for your husband be easier, if you passed first, if he had already been doing some things with other people? Maybe your daughter is fearful that she would become his caregiver if something happened to you; and she does not want to be forced into that role.

Perhaps your daughter wants you to see that there is another side to caregiving, one in which you don't have to be completely responsible for your husband 24 hours a day. That there are others in similar situations and it always helps to have others to do things with and talk with. Is there a senior group at church that get together through the week? If not talk with the church staff about starting a weekly lunch group.

My mom and her hubby were moved to a senior community just two weeks ago. Hubby did not want to go one little bit, I had been caring for both of them for almost four years. Mom has dementia, he general age related decline and some small issues with his memory. All agreed that they could not live in the same unit, mostly because of mom's sundowning behaviors. This transition is very difficult for my mom. The theme of he stay thus far is run for the hills, not going at all well for her. Her hubby's on the other hand is to spend the majority of his time trying to help my mom,. Who looks the worst for the wear? He does as he had not been in the primary caregiving role for four years, yet he believes he ahould be able to do everything for Mom, and the heck with what he is able to do.

So, make your own decision about your activities and realize that you may not be able to care for him until he passes. Plan for the future in a way that will make a necessary transition easier on both of you.

Anita if there is a bus to take you to lunch why not just go for lunch a couple of days and see if you think you might like some of the people there. Not everyone will be your age or older, i think you can start going at age 60.
maybe you can't hold a regular paint brush but i bet you could manage one with a big fat handle. It could be fun.

No one should be hounded to do what someone ELSE wants them to do for entertainment. Your daughter sounds as though she's coming from a good place with her suggestions.

"Daughter, please. You're beginning to spoil our time together by nagging us to do something we don't want to do. If you don't stop nagging us about the Senior Center? I'm afraid we're going to have to ground you for a whole MONTH!"

Guess I'm going to be the lone dissenter here. I think people can enjoy activities with others but can also enjoy as much their time alone with each other, especially if they read or do a lot at home. Even if there are some physical limitations, there's always music and reading. PBS has good programs which are frequently intellectual and stimulating.

One of the things that bothers me are the choices of some of the activities planners seem to feel are appropriate for elders, such as bingo. It's not an activity that stimulates thinking - all one does is put little chips on the called numbers.

Bingo always reminds me of the activities for seniors in rehab centers as well as some get togethers.

Some of the exercises are based on the assumption that elders are physically and intellectually limited - not every one is.

Painting is excellent though, even if arthritis makes it difficult to hold a brush; abstract paintings are still intellectual pursuits and stimulate creativity.

In short, I've felt people can find their own stimulating activities - book clubs, free concerts, good tv documentaries, etc. It's unfortunate that Borders closed because it had some good interactive social events, especially some of the clubs it sponsored.

Can you still walk outside? In a small town you could socialize that way - go for a walk and see your neighbors.

But I think your daughter is just trying to be helpful, thinking that getting out will in fact be helpful rather than disinteresting.

I think the issue is whether you're satisfied being home except for Wed. and Sun., and if so, and if you have no complaints about staying home, you don't really need to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Oy, I live in Alabama, where the Baptists can be almost puritanical. I find it mind bending and oppressive. I dislike seeing people beat over the head with the Bible. It usually has more to do with the personality of the oppressor than the Bible itself. If you're seeking to condemn someone, the Bible is a ready source of any type of condemnation you might want to throw. Trouble is that the people doing the condemning are pointing at the splinter in someone's eyes while missing the tree that is growing out of their own.

When my mother first moved from Chicago to Denver about 11 yrs ago after loosing 2 husbands, the change was very hard for her (as you can imagine). She loved living by Wrigleyville... However, my youngest brother who lived an hour away from her rarely came to visit (even when she needed help). When my stepfather passed away, she sold her house and (thank God) she came to live by me. Her neighborhood quickly changed when developers moved in so most of her neighbors moved. My mother was 76 when she came to live by me and ended p living with me (which actually made things easier on me to deal with things). My mother was never one for socializing, but I can tell you that as she pushed herself to get out and meet new people at church and yes, the senior center it has kept her mentally and physically healthy. It hasn't been easy at all for her loosing 2 husbands to cancer and having a daughter giving her advise (she's extremely head strong and of course wants to remain independent). But, had she not had a daughter like me, her life would have been extremely different. My 2 brothers would have put her in an assisted living place years ago. It wouldn't have been good at all. I only wish I had a daughter like myself to be with me during my later years. God Bless all mother's, daughter's and son's.

Anita, I believe the reason your daughter wants you to go to the senior center is to be around people of your own age group... develop new friendships. And walking is one of the best exercises one can do, as long as you and hubby are both mobile.

How I wish my parents would have started going to a Senior Center years ago because now that they are in their 90's they have no friends their own age, and are bored silly being home alone rattling around in their big home. And I can't be Julie McCoy, their cruise director.

Amott, I say bravo to your daughter for thinking ahead, that she isn't in denial that you and hubby are aging. Everything might be peachy keen right now, but a lot can change a month from now.

My parents use to walk 2 miles a day until they were in their late 80's and early 90's.... and they use to do volunteer work at the local hospital twice a week up until those ages, too.... it all stopped when Dad had a heart attack [he was volunteering at the hospital when it happen, so what better place] and it's been a downward slide since then. Dad had to stop driving.

Now I am a bundle of nerves because for the past 6 years I have been running all their errands, doctor appointments, barber, hair dresser, CPA, trips to Target, post office, etc. while trying to maintain my own career. MY life has come to a stand still but my parents don't even notice that. I haven't been on vacation in 6 years, I haven't been to a movie in 6 years, or dined out. Always the fear that either one will once again fall.

If they were living at a retirement community I would still be worried about them but I would be able to get a good nice sleep. If Dad falls, Mom could alert security and they know how to pick up a fallen person. And if Mom passes first, Dad would have a group of friends to rally around him, instead of rambling alone in a big house. And vise versa. But no, they won't move.

Today 40% of the caregivers pass on leaving behind their love one. I feel that my parents could outlive me, then what? I have no siblings, and I have no children. And that in itself worries me sick. I should have been hinting to my parents back when I was 53 years old instead of pushing 70 myself.

Amott6, your daughter is really too busy to do much caregiving for you. Add this together with the facts that your DH with LBD, and your mobility restrictions, mean your NEEDS will only be increasing, every month until your DH and possibly you too will require 24/7 caregiving. It sounds like you are completely competent to be making DPOA, Will and Medical Advance Directive choices-- I do hope you have already done these. And you should double- check them and revise as needed. Do you have your funerals pre-planned & pre-paid? At the very least, set aside a separate bank account for that purpose. Are you financially able to afford 10-15 yrs of nice AL? can you have DH's doctor explain to him the need for AL, or an interim period of, say, 3 visits per week of in-home care? To me it sounds like daughter wants you to "get out of house" because that is what she would do if she needed a break from her routine or as a stress relief. You need to take advantage of your current competent state of mind, and make your desires perfectly clear-- not just a "Medical Advance Directive, but a "Lifestyle" Advance Directive. You want to live how you want to live-- and not have daughter telling you how, and only you can make that clear to her. Best wishes.

You should feel lucky your daughter wants you have a full social life. Instead of complaining about her maybe you should examine whether you are too set in your ways. There are many people your age who still have to work for a living and don't have the choice of living like a hermit. They have to go out every day and work. Just because you don't like an activity like Bingo doesn't mean that you can't learn something from the experience or enjoy socializing with others. This reminds me of the time I took my parents to a concert. They acted like spoiled two year olds. They turned their chairs around and faced away from the stage and sat like petulant brats until I took them home. I was mortified and the people I knew were mortified for me. They couldn't believe grown adults could behave like such brats. I can guarantee you there is a 70 year old person out there right now that doesn't have the luxury of complaining about leisure activities and probably doesn't have a loving child to suggest that they add social activities to their life.