I think my sister is a heavy pot smoker and lets things slide when it comes to my Mom's care. Should I hire a PI, call APS or what?

It also concerns me that the new boyfriend, who looks like she found him under a bridge, is looking to my mom as his retirement plan as well. I shouldn't be so judgemental but that's just my gut feeling about him...he lost his job several years ago and moved away to live on someone's couch. I think he's living with my sister now in her house - the one my mom made the downpayment on for her.

After considering all of the problems and issues with my parents and their handling of their estate, I came to the conclusion the other night that it is much better to give your heirs the money up front, especially if you have a lot, and that way you don't have all the predators crawling out of the woodwork. I would like to know my kids are visiting and helping me not clamoring for their share of inheritance when I'm gone, but that they just love me and want to spend time with me. So I think I'm going to do things a lot differently than my parents have. Hopefully that way my family will remain intact after I'm gone.

I'd be more concerned about the new boyfriend than the pot, particularly. If your sister is all loved up and dewy eyed to the extent of buggering off and leaving your mother to fend for herself, that's the issue - who cares if she's also stoned?

Pointless to address this through your mother if your mother is simply going to leap to your sister's defence (and, worse, start keeping secrets for her). You need to speak to your sister. Don't be judgemental about the b/f or the dope, just keep strictly to your concerns about recent lapses in your mother's care and the simple fact that if your sister starts falling down on this routinely then you will be forced to intervene - directly or through social services, her choice. Ask her what she's planning in terms of arranging cover, for example. She can't just swan off when she feels like it and she needs to be called out on it. Best of luck, let us know how it goes.

I forgot to mention also, Jessie, that yes I could take care of paying my mom's bills and handling her financial stuff, and we discussed that while I was there a few weeks ago, but I know my sister will never let that get out of her hands. Even if she is lax about paying the bills and handling things, she will hold onto the control for dear life. You see, my mom is her retirement plan. She's got everything lined up just like she wants it and isn't about to let go of any of the control at this point. But I will keep letting my mom know that I am able and willing to take over that responsibility and we'll see if it ever happens.

Thanks for your responses, Jessie and Windy...you say smoking pot doesn't make her a bad caregiver, Jessie, but it does make you very forgetful and lethargic. My sister is 59 (going on 14). She lives within a mile or two of my mom. I live about 600 miles away so only visit about once or twice a year. I have two older brothers that live within 5-15 miles of her, and they are involved some, like stopping by and asking her if she needs anything, but my mom has put every aspect of her care in my sister's hands. She is 86 and mentally pretty good, although getting more forgetful I notice.

As far as WWIII with my sis, I don't speak to her and haven't for about 7 years, and don't intend to ever again. So I'm not too worried about making her mad, it's more about possibly causing problems for my mom if I file a complaint. It could backfire and she could end up in guardianship of the state - that's what concerns me. But I feel she is not in very good hands. My sister is very occupied with her new boyfriend and is not as attentive to my mom as she was at first after my dad died. It's so hard to explain to normal people with normal families, but my sister is a lying sociopath. To make a very long story short, her agenda in being so close to our mom is to have total control of the $$$. So I feel like she is only going through the motions now since she has my mom in the palm of her hand. I thought about letting my one brother know about this, but he seems to not really care about anything at this point. This whole situation since my dad's death has pretty much blown our family apart. My sister is always trying to drive a wedge between my mom and my brother and me. The other brother is her minion. So my last visit my mom told me that my sister told her it "really makes me mad that he (my brother) never calls or visits her (my mom), but that we can be sure he'll be there as soon as she's gone!!" Always planting the seeds to try to get our mom to cut us out of her will. The whole thing just nauseates me...so hard for people with normal families to relate.

Lots of questions: does sis live with mom? Are you far away? Other family around and involved? What is moms mental and medical condition?

Based on what you have stated you probably should be concerned but it may not warrant world war three with sis.

Smoking pot does not necessarily make her a bad caregiver, but neglecting the bills and medicines does. I would talk to Sister about it. If she isn't willing to continue doing it, it sounds like someone needs to be hired to come in to take care of things. Would it be possible for you to take over bill paying from where you are? Most of these things can be done by computer if you have them set up online.

How old is your sister? It does seem like she would be too old to be acting this way. But then I have a SIL who still enjoys partying, even though she is around 65. I know how it can go.