Taking care of friend with stage 5 Alzheimer's. At my wit's end and want out to live my own life. Any advice?

Hi Lies14,
gladimhere, Maggiemarshall and the rest have it down as do many others. You have done much more than even a good friend should have to do, particularly since there is family. I'd let them know that you are giving them one month to set up care for their mother. You can suggest that they contact the local agency on aging. If they don't, tell them you are calling adult protective services and then do it. Once you have done that, say goodbye.

You deserve a life of your own. Please do not accept any guilt from these people. You've helped your friend at your own emotional and financial expense all of these years. Now, it's time for them to step up to the plate. If they don't, the authorities will have to handle it.

Start planning your own life. Help with the transition in any way that you can but only for one month. Then, you are gone.

You are remarkable! Please keep us posted about how you survive this.
Carol

Call Adult Protective Services. Tell them you have been taking care of everything for ten years and you are no longer willing or able to care for her. Give them the daughters contact information, tell APS that other arrangements need to be made. Do not just leave, you coukd be charged with abandonment. Tell them they have a specific amount of time, maybe two weeks to figure out how and who or what facility will care for her. Make sure you tell them you have contacted daughters and do not receive any sort of response. I am sorry you are in this situation, but you can get out, just make sure you do it responsibly.

I had been the full time caregiver for my parents for 5 years and with complaining sibs, a sarcastic parent and constant reminders that "you're living here rent free" and "this is your job"; I couldn't take it anymore. I left my well paying job 3 years ago to care for them and when I announced I would be leaving and moving cross country in 3 months- it was WWIII!
"you're not staying until the end?" and things fell apart: I continued packing and my father wound up in rehab and mother kept firing the 2 awesome caregivers I found who finally left because of her behavior and one day I just said " I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving" and they have to figure things out. If it hadn't been for caring friends who were supportive, I probably would have stayed "til the end" and woke up, much older and wondering what I was supposed to do next.
No other job is 24/7 and even if you take the odd couple of hours for errands or a movie- family resent you for wanting to leave while they go on vacations and live their lives. There is no easy answer because in the long run, nothing is ever fair when families are involved.

Liesl4---You would still give these women 3 months to get something in place? You're giving them a LOT of rope. I'd go much more quickly. Say, in a month, as one poster said--Aug. 31st and take the steps necessary to get out yourself. I think at this point your concern about the daughter's anger is just "too bad for them"--wow, have you gone above and beyond friendship. And, do you really CARE if you have a relationship with these women? APS will protect your friend and if the daughters get in trouble ( they won't) then tough. You don't owe them a thing for all you have done. No explanation, no nothing. You will be doing yourself AND your friend a huge favor. You can still be a part of her life, but at your choice. Good luck!!!

I agree with the others: give notice to the daughters by certified mail if necessary, but DOCUMENT the notice you give them. And document any other contact you have with the daughters.

I don't think you need to give so much notice that they don't take it seriously; you could say something to the effect that you are no longer able to provide any kind of care and they should make arrangements ASAP, but no later than, say August 31, 2015, or ever earlier if you think you can move by then. State also that you need to know what arrangements they have made by, say 2 weeks before the deadline or you'll reluctantly be forced to involve APS to ensure that your friend receives continued care.

I also wouldn't provide any explanation for terminating your involvement other than you cannot do it anymore. If you explain as you did here, that gives them a chance to attack you verbally, or turn the blame to you. So don't go into the reasons why you need to get out of this situation.

I.d., don't give them a chance to cop out and turn the responsibility back to you, or blame you for anything.

If you give them too much time, they might not take you seriously.

The fewer words the better. Too much it will be twisted and turned every which way. As midkid said, no explanation other than you are not able nor willing to do it any longer.

Calling APS is not to report daughters, it is to report this woman needs care that you are not willing or able to any longer. It is a request for assistance since daughters are not willing to help figure it out. APS is for many, many issues related to adults unable to care for themselves, not just for physical abuse.

Lies, I wouldn't mention the situation to your friend unless she becomes too upset, and then tell her that you're working on some plans to ensure that she's cared for. I wouldn't even mention the daughters and their role, or lack thereof.

If you mean the doctor who cautioned you about your own health, no, I don't see why he needs to be involved. I think that would suggest that you're buttressing your position with medical advice, which you don't need to do. Ten years + is enough.

I'm not sure either what role the attorney could play, although I get the impression that you still feel the need to justify your departure. You don't. To do so puts you in a position of explaining and justifying, which might make you seem weak and somewhat ambiguous about leaving.

I've never been in a similar situation, so I obviously can't put myself in your shoes, but keep remembering that you have a life, you've sacrificed for 10 years, and it's time that the daughters step up to the plate and take responsibility, or make some arrangements so their mother is cared for.

Liesl4, how did you start being a full-time live in Caregiver for this friend? Are you being paid for all your work? Since you have been living at this friends house for all those years, of course everyone is going to assume you are the primary Caregiver.... thus, the daughters feel everything is running smoothly and they don't want to overstep their bounds which might rock the boat. Sounds like a lack of communication.

I agree with Gladimhere above, give the daughters 2 weeks notice that you will no longer be available to help out. Contact all of the daughters, both by phone and by certified mail, so no communication is lost.

Hope everything works out for the best.

Liesl, I cared for my mom and her hubby for four very difficult years. My sibs, I call them twisted sisters, were in denial for most of that time. Now that they have both moved to a facility there is still some denial on their part. I told them everything that was going on with mom in an effort to get them to understand. But, I now think that the twisteds thought I was trying to justify my presence and what they considered free room and board. It may make no difference how you tell the daughters, they may still not get it. All you can do is give them information, hope they process it correctly, and get yourself situated to reclaim your life.