My Father has dementia and thinks my 5 year old wants to kill him. Should I keep her away from him because of what he might do to her?

Denise, you're in for some difficult times dealing with all these issues. You're doing the right things and I wish you the very best of luck. Let us know how things are going.

Denise, congratulations for taking this difficult step, and may you have a peaceful and restful time tonight.

TxCamper, your post reminded me of an incident with the next door neighbors when I moved into my house several decades ago.

They were an elderly couple, probably in their 80's but I don't really know. One day I heard yelling, looked out and saw the wife holding the kind of pole with a hook on the end, the kind fishermen use to hook and bring in fish.

I could tell the male voice was coming from the garage, yelling to be let out. The wife had aimed the pole toward the garage door, ready for action if her husband did escape.

It was so unsettling...I debated calling the police, hating to have to do so on an elderly woman, but I couldn't justify ignoring her threatened attack if he managed to realize there was a side door. So I called.

It was a sad and really unsettling episode of what can happen as some type of dementia sets in.

Glad to hear that you are leaving that house. Wise decision.
I would like to add that the weakest elderly person can pinch like nobody's business. I have had the bruises to back up that statement. Also they can swing a cane, stick out their foot and trip and throw things. That's just physical. The emotional damage is just as bad. Five year olds know when something isn't right.

You do need to protect your mother as well. The assisted living suggestion sounds like good advice. They could find a place together or separate, but they would have round the clock care and you could return to being the sweet daughter who comes to visit. Good luck!!

Denise, you are one smart and brave mom. You will be able to analyze the situation much better from afar, I guarantee.

I do not want to scare you, but I think you should get over to your sister's tonight. Little girls want a nice grandpa to remember. I agree with Garden Artist, she will need a good positive male role model sometime in her childhood. Everyone has heard the antics of my father on this board. My sons were teens and preteens during the worst of it. How I regret having them around him...the memories are not great and how I wish they would have had a warm and supportive grandfather. My brothers are more like grandfathers to them. Thank the Lord above for them.!! You will know down deep what you need to do. Best thoughts for you.

We are going to my sisters house now. Thanks everyone.

Denise, I don't mean to be critical, and I do understand your attempt to analyze the situation rationally. I can't imagine the angst and trauma this must be causing you. No parent should have to deal with this kind of situation. And I'm sure your mother is very upset about it as well.

But even if your father is weak and might not be able to harm your daughter, it's the fear he creates, that atmosphere of fear and terror which is affecting your daughter. It's likely traumatizing her in a way that can last a long time. You don't want her to grow up being afraid of men, and at her young age, that may be what she carries with her as she does grow up.

This situation has been haunting me since I first read this post. Decades ago I worked in the county juvenile court which handled both delinquent and neglect cases. I don't know the standards for neglect now, but it might be construed that by failing to take IMMEDIATE action you could be considered neglectful in that you're allowing your daughter to be exposed to a hostile and dangerous environment.

If that happened, your daughter could be removed from your custody and either placed at a county care facility or possibly in a temporary foster home.

I'd start packing right now and be at your sister's house even tonight; come back and get the rest of your things tomorrow, and leave your daughter with your sister.

Alternately, I also think it's advisable to take Babalou's advice and call 911 to get your father into a situation where he can get help. If you're worried about his retaliation against you, or your mother's angst, take your daughter out for awhile and place the call via your cell phone. You don't have to be there when the police come and in fact it might be too traumatic for your daughter.

My dad is very weak so I'm not sure how much physical hurt he could cause but he can walk some. This is a very stressful situation and it is affecting me too.

Once you are out of the house, you and your siblings can work on a plan for mom. When was the last time dad was seen by the doctor who is treating his dementia? Does the doctor know about the paranoia and the delusions?

You would not be over-reacting if you called 911 to have him removed. He is quite clearly a danger to others and probably to himself.

Now I'm wondering if your mother is unable to accept his behavior or if she's in denial. Has your father even shown hostility toward her, as he's showing toward your daughter?

I didn't want to state the obvious; but you cannot daily expose a five year old to the confusion and hostility of this phase of dementia. You can't. Do not.

Until you can move out, be careful to explain in ways she is able to comprehend that grandpa is very sick and does not understand the world around him. Especially make sure that you tell her this is not her fault and she is not to blame, and also tell her that because he is so sick grandpa is not to blame either.

If your mother thinks you are overreacting, that leads me to believe that she is not facing up to what she is dealing with. Do your best to source good professional advice for her as soon as possible.

Oh, and re mom telling you you're over-reacting? Don't buy that for a moment.

Get them both into assisted living. Use the money from selling their home to pay their way.

I am worried about my mom in this situation. What do I do about her living with my dad?

My mom tells me I'm overreacting. They own the house but I pay all the bills and support them. If I move to my own place they will not be able to stay in the house. My sister has offered for me and my daughter to live with her family. It looks like that's the best option. Thank you for answers, they have all helped a lot. And rest assured I want what's best for my daughter. We will be moving!

Excellent advice. I second the concern about losing custody of your daughter - she's being exposed to a very hostile, negative, possibly dangerous environment.

If there are financial issues of finding your own place, seek help through a local women's shelter. If you have to, go to a police station and ask for help in finding temporary shelter.

The sooner you both leave, the better. Your daughter is already displaying signs of trauma.

Is your mother in danger also or is your father directing his hostility only toward your daughter?

Move out with your daughter as soon as you can.

How is your mother planning to manage your father in your absence?

You should move outs soon as possible. Your daughter deserves as normal a childhood as you can provide. She deserves to be surrounded by people who make her smile...laugh...who love her to bits and pieces. What she doesn't deserve is to be around a crazy-crabby 79-year-old.she only gets one childhood. It should be filled with as much joy as you can provide. Don't think for a minute that you can explain her gramps' dementia to her. She's way too young for adult problems and concerns.

Um, what do you mean when you say he's "mean" to her?

Additionally, the thinks she wants to KILL him? Are you saying that you are allowing your 5 year old to interact with a paranoid, delusional person?

Ma'am, you are in danger of losing custody of your child, and for good reason. You are exposing her to potential physical harm, but worse, the psychological harm that this is doing to her psyche and the physical harm it's doing to her brain are enormous. Get out and ask her doctor for a referral to a therapist.

Not leave her unattended...........

Good God Yes! Not only is it not safe a mean, grouchy, demented grandpa can't be any good for the emotional health of this child.

Sorry to be so gruff but dementia can cause people to do things they would never do in their right minds. It can be hard to accept that this is not his fault, it's the dementia. I would not leave unattended with him.

No child should be subject to seeing and hearing this. Does your father's doctor know this is happening? If not, get your Dad to the doctor as soon as possible, the doctor might be able to prescribe something to calm his nerves.

If the medicine doesn't work, then move out immediately. No small child should be subject to that, it could affect her later on in life. Your Dad's dementia is only going to get worse. Have your mother come visit her grand-daughter once you settle in.