Would you choose your spouse over your parent?

If it were me I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage to care for my elderly parent but I hope that I would have married a man who wouldn't put me in a position of having to choose between him and my elderly parent.

When my dad was living with me, my husband and my adult son who has autism and seizures, it just got too much for me and my husband was not happy about it. So we chose to keep our family intact and my dad went to AL. I am still in charge of many things for my dad who recently started treatment for active multiple myeloma, but we (my husband, son and I) have the space we need to be a family while helping my dad, instead of my dad taking all the air out of the room. There can be a better balance and having my dad in a nearby AL has achieved that for our family.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you my story. My sister and 2 caregivers and myself took care of my parents. They moved closer to me in 1997 and brought grandmom with them. i had twin 7 yrs and an infant. Shortly thereafter mom diagnosed with breast cancer, 2 surgeries, chemo & radiation then grandmom declined and out on hospice then died. Mom diagnosed with dementia, dad had back surgery and mom got worse. Did my husband complain? Absolutely! Was frustrated why I was doing the most when I was one of 4. One on disability with chrons other 2 worked. Eventually, in addition to my kids, my husband had to pitch in too. Mom fell and shattered her wrist, hosp, rehab & operation. Dad had a heart attack in rehab for back surgery. Needless to say, things very stressful because dad was no longer the in between caregiver for mom, I needed to attend school meetings, sporting events, etc. Needed visitor for dad, caregiver for mom and then stuff with kids. Husband did b*tch quite often but everyone did. Husband had to be the caregiver many times. At this point the sister who actually helped just couldn't do it anymore and sent an email to all saying this and that she would research a nursing home for both mom and dad. My husband was furious! Over his dead body! Never putting my parents in a home. Said we would sell parents house and ours and move them in with us. Took us a long time to find a house and my mom died before we moved. Now 7 yrs later I can say that was one if the proudest moments of my life when my husband and sons agreed to take on full responsibility for my parents. My husband complained and b*tched a lot. I had read the email earlier and was mentally trying to prepare myself because I honestly never thought my husbands response would be what it was. I would often say to my husband through the years that if it was his mom who needed help did he think that i would sit back and do nothing. Hopefully you won't have to choose. God Bless and good luck. (Sorry for writing a book but I needed to sit and take a break, cleaning bathrooms stink!) 😊

My father and mother in law have lived wth us for 8 years. It took me a while to realize all the decisions my husband made was in the best interest of his parents and not us. Spouses have to step aside in many cases and after a while it gets hard to be second best.
My father in law is a horrible person and my husband just got the ultimatum from me. If he chooses his dad then fine. But I refuse to be on the back burner in my life any longer.

That is a strange question coming from your hubby after re-reading some of your past postings.

Last month you mentioned that your Mom has enough money to hire caregivers, yet your husband didn't think it was a good idea to spend the money. And now he wants you to choose? Does he have a change of heart of having his mother-in-law use her own money for caregivers?

Just trying to figure out where his question about choosing is coming from.

I'm not in this position but I've told my husband in no uncertain terms that I will never live with his parents. I don't care what condition they are in.

Before anyone goes off on me let me explain.

His parents have never welcomed me or shown the slightest bit of interest in me as an individual. They have tolerated me cause I am their son's wife, just barely.
I tried in the beginning with them and when I say beginning I mean the first ten years of our relationship. But when the trying was never reciprocated I just gave up.

I am a kind, charitable person but when people treat me like I don't exist. Well I won't exist for them when the time comes where they need care. I'm not going to ruin my life for hateful people.

Patrice, very moving story and revelations about how your husband stepped up to the plate and supported you when the situation required it.

Perfect, Eyerish.

I if you are spending nights away from home caring for your parent, I can see why things are changing. You aren't living with him anymore. I personally would never opt to care for a parent in that fashion. That, in my opinion, is unfair.

You are not married to your parents, you are married to your spouse. Spouse will (probably) still be alive long after parents have left the scene permanently. So, if you choose parents over spouse, they will die, you will be alone (hard to say what any children of yours will do). And then what? Proceed to destroy your own childrens lives and marriages?? Something to consider.
And Mandylou, where the inlaws treat you like sh**, and hubby chooses them? Good riddance hubby, why subject yourself to that.