Do those of you who have loved ones in your home, do you wait on them hand and foot?

Read the many stories here before you do. Your dad sounds like he will demand that he is the number one man in your life and that will drive a wedge between you and your husband. Honor your marriage and your own health first.

From what you write, cjbailey, I have a feeling your life would be miserable if you moved your father in. I was wondering why the caregiver felt she could advise him to move in with you. You and he should be the only ones to have any say in that. If you do move your father in, he will become bossier and more demanding as time wears on. It is the way it goes. Since he has a condo now, why not just sell the condo and let him move into assisted living? He'll be around people his own age there and may like it better. The only thing he won't have there is you to boss around. :)

I expect what the caregiver suggested was that he shouldn't live alone any longer, and rather than consider assisted living you became the default option. Most of us who wait on our loved ones do it because they can no longer do for themselves due to advanced dementia or physical limitations.
Moving someone in who wants a built in servant and wouldn't even be grateful is a recipe for disaster. Think hard before making this choice, you would have to establish boundaries right from the start or years of personal sacrifice, resentment and eventual burnout are inevitable.

Everything cmgnum & Jessie said, times 1000. I'm in the process of extracting myself from the mess created when I let my dad move in with us in January. And he was never anywhere near as demanding before that than your dad. But he wants things the way he wants things, and in pretty much every case that's not the way we have chosen to have them.

Assisted living paperwork is signed, with luck he'll be moved there by the end of the week. Not a day too soon!

I think it is very hard to stand up to parents if that hasn't been your pattern in the past, and it seems to be even harder to start doing it once they're old and frail. There's still a part of you (me) that views them as having rightful authority, or that maybe wants to please them and keep their approval, or that at least doesn't want to call them out on acting like a spoiled 2 year old.

I often say about caregiving that, by the time you get your feet under you, you're in it up to your neck. Part of getting your feet under you is learning to stand up for yourself against a tyrannical parent. But by the time you learn to do that, they've already set up patterns and expectations of being catered to and waited on. It's a lot harder to stop doing these things once the expectations and patterns are settled in.

If your father feels free to order you around now, he'll certainly feel even more free once he's a full-time guest in your house. Don't move him in unless you can establish boundaries and stick to them.

The tricky part, I believe, is that you may not mind doing certain things for them, but you do mind being ordered, and demanded, and expected to do what they want. Truth to tell, I'm still fighting this battle with my mother, constantly, and I don't live with her. If I insist that she ASK me to do something instead of TELLING me to do it, she'll say "PLEASE do it." in an aggrieved tone of voice that makes clear that she thinks I'm being a pain in the butt over nothing. She just doesn't get it the concept of asking nicely, because she truly believes in her heart that my mission in life is to do her bidding. This could be what you'll end up dealing with as well.

Good point, cmagnum, that moving a parent in must be a joint decision with your partner/spouse/SO. Mine was agreeable, and made a real effort to help--until dad starting verbally attacking him, claiming he didn't belong in the house, etc. That was the point when I told dad you cannot stay here, because I am not willing to lose SO because of you.

Before you move your father in make sure that you husband is ok with it. If you think your dad treats you without respect now just wait until it's 24/7 everyday all day. I am not saying not to let him move in but make sure before you do that he absolutely can not live independently or have a caregiver coming in. Just a thought. I do live with my mom who has dementia but doesn't do anything for herself because before her husband died he did everything for her. Her immobility is due to many years of just sitting. I do the best I can daily with God's help.

Here's something else to consider and I apologize in advance as it isn't a happy thought. He's probably not going to get better and he might get much, much worse very, very quickly. Today it might be fixing dinner and washing some clothes but tomorrow it might be diapers and refusing to get out of bed. You must consider that. I truly though my mother would live out her days as a relatively happy little old lady and until very recently nothing gave me any reason to think otherwise. Now in the span of less than two months she's become like an infant.

Along with asking for your husband's input, ask yourself if your husband treated you like your dad does would you want to live with him.

From what I've read on AC and seen in life, those who cater too much are trying to get a mean parent to be loving which is not going to be. More often than not, they end up loosing their spouse because they honored their parent more than their marriage.

My SIL is in such a relationship right now. He's angry and she doesn't see it.

Funny how the Great Depression is still depressing us. The things we learned like "use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without" are still the mantras of frugality. We're overweight because our parents didn't know if or when they were going to eat again, and it was drilled into their heads, and subsequently ours, to eat every last bite. We hoard material things because waste is a sin and we should never throw anything out because it might come in handy someday (even if it's easily replaceable). So we end up with physical, emotional and material baggage that instead of improving our situation, sabotages it. I suspect the many years of that kind of thinking that Mommie Dearest drummed into her head are what you're fighting. I see a lot on here about detaching with love....but it's a shame your wife can't just seem to manage it. The biggest shame is like that of living with depression...when you have it and don't get treatment, you feel bad but the people who have to live with you are also unfairly miserable. I wonder if it would make any difference if she saw it from that angle. My heart goes out to all of you.