Judie, this is so very painful. And unfortunately not uncommon in dementia (in either sex). I am SO glad I didn't have to deal with that particular delusion.
Generally with delusions the advice is to go along and to not argue. But this is a case where agreeing isn't going to make things better!
First, throw out any notion that something that Mom is doing is causing this. It is not a reaction to primping. It is caused by DEMENTIA. Start from that premise.
This is painful for your father. He believes it. He did not make this up to hurt your mother. It is the DEMENTIA.
I would talk to his dementia doctor about it. I don't think there is an anti-delusion-of-unfaithfulness pill, but something to help anxiety might be in order.
In talking to Dad I would not argue with his beliefs. But don't agree, either! "Oh Dad, that must hurt you so much. You and Mom have been through so much together and made things work through good times and bad. To think now she is betraying you must feel terrible! I can understand why you might think this way, but I am absolutely certain that Mother is being 100% faithful, regardless of what things look like. She is devastated that you don't trust her."
It certainly sounds like Dad is far enough into dementia to not be able to live alone. If your parents do separate, where will he go?
My MIL has some sort of dementia.. and as we look back has for years! She used to think FIL was haveing affairs with every one from the clerk at Highs to SILs aunt to finally SIL and Me!! Hubs (both sons) tried to put the skids to that...It is not easy.. so good luck with this
Certainly Jessie. Vanity has no age limits. Just though it was a little far fetched that his was a "Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town" situation.
I don't want to make light of the original posters dilema. It sounds like a terrible situation. I would be interested to hear more info on the living situation etc.
Windy, you don't think 87-yo women primp? Some can spend an hour or two getting ready. Of course, it used to take them 15 minutes to do the same thing, but that's beside the point. A woman's a woman no matter what age.
Judie, With dementia and alzheimers, changing ths subject, defusing the situation, medication for paranoia may help. I can understand that this is distressful thinking a separation of your parents is possible. As long as there is no abuse issues, let time pass. Your role would be to protect your parents in their later years, and not to get in the middle of their marriage. Talk to mom to make sure she is safe from any risky behaviors, you will both most likely end up having a good laugh. I hope it will be okay.
Made sense to me! I have been fixing myself up to go out because I have to feel better when I drive, now that I own a car. And, now that I am feeling better, my confidence is up, refusing to be brought down and controlled changes the dynamics of our relationship. Yay!
When the love of our life does extra preening & primping before leaving the house for a walk, it's not unusual to wonder what's up with her. Our mind starts playing tricks, and wild accusations usually follow. ... Add Alzheimer's/dementia to the equation, and "Houston, we have a problem."
I'm not saying this is the case. The only thing your mom might be guilty of is trying to look good and aging gracefully. He's probably sensing something's changed -- real or imaginary. ... And it's not another man.
Gather around your mother and give her the most support and help you can. Maybe papa needs to see Babalou's doctor suggested above and get an anti anxiety med. Men with dementia seem to love the drama of accusing others and laying big time blame on those who are closest. Sympathy for your Mom.
Paranoia is generally a symptom. He could have a uti, for example. Or this could be a new part of his overall decline. Check out his general physical health first. Call his doctor and twll her/him what's going on.
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Generally with delusions the advice is to go along and to not argue. But this is a case where agreeing isn't going to make things better!
First, throw out any notion that something that Mom is doing is causing this. It is not a reaction to primping. It is caused by DEMENTIA. Start from that premise.
This is painful for your father. He believes it. He did not make this up to hurt your mother. It is the DEMENTIA.
I would talk to his dementia doctor about it. I don't think there is an anti-delusion-of-unfaithfulness pill, but something to help anxiety might be in order.
In talking to Dad I would not argue with his beliefs. But don't agree, either! "Oh Dad, that must hurt you so much. You and Mom have been through so much together and made things work through good times and bad. To think now she is betraying you must feel terrible! I can understand why you might think this way, but I am absolutely certain that Mother is being 100% faithful, regardless of what things look like. She is devastated that you don't trust her."
It certainly sounds like Dad is far enough into dementia to not be able to live alone. If your parents do separate, where will he go?
But I doubt it. :)
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I don't want to make light of the original posters dilema. It sounds like a terrible situation. I would be interested to hear more info on the living situation etc.
As long as there is no abuse issues, let time pass.
Your role would be to protect your parents in their later years, and not to get in the middle of their marriage.
Talk to mom to make sure she is safe from any risky behaviors, you will both most likely end up having a good laugh. I hope it will be okay.
I'm not saying this is the case. The only thing your mom might be guilty of is trying to look good and aging gracefully. He's probably sensing something's changed -- real or imaginary. ... And it's not another man.
Paranoia is generally a symptom. He could have a uti, for example. Or this could be a new part of his overall decline. Check out his general physical health first. Call his doctor and twll her/him what's going on.