How to stop phone in DO NOTHING siblings from from stirring the pot?

Deborah, do not do that. I know you are grasping on how to solve this problem right now. But, like me, I thought about running. Talk about looking guilty! So, as much as my twisted sisters wanted me out of the picture, and I was tempted to do it, nothing would have looked worse to APS than if I had run. Then have a warrant out for me for kidnapping my Mom. No, do not do that! Relax, cooperate, everything will be fine.

katiekay... Right?!
Now, they have filed a complaint with Adult Protective Services and I have to jump through all those hoops! They are going to interview my mom at the adult day care place I have her in while I work and then come and do a house check of my place next week. As if I don't have enough to do! I am so DONE with all of them. I'm going to get an RV and move all over the country so they can never find me...

My mother picks on (plain mean) to my 24 yr daughter... I think Mom is jealous of her.. Since she moved back home from college my Mom doesn't like that she converses with me... Mom would never say anything about my husband because she considers him "head of household, bread winner"...

My daughter is old enough to ignore the comments because she knows this is not the Nana she grew up with!

Cwillie .......... spot on !!!

Guilt is way overrated. Especially when misplaced.

Deborah.. I was thinking the same. Who the heck are you getting all this 'Credit' from? Let me know .. so I can get some credit as well! ;)

Since your mom is with you due to financial problems and is not in need of care there is absolutely no reason for you to worry about leaving her alone while you enjoy your vacation. In a way this experience is a blessing in disguise, when the day comes that your mom actually does need hands on care you will know to run like the wind... lol

Me and my husband have a 9 day vacation planned for next month. I was feeling guilty ( HUH ??? ) about it until this morning. Now Im going with a HUGE smile on my face. we DESERVE a vacation and its not coming fast enough. I guarantee you this sister wont volunteer to have mom at her house even for a couple of weeks. Its much easier for her to complain to everyone than it is to do something about something.

There are a lot of people who have parental care and sibling discord. In fact, I'm not sure if I know anyone who doesn't have it. lol I see it all around me. And it doesn't stop there. Wait until the Will is read. It gets worse after the funeral. Adult children get so upset and some never speak to each other again.

I have a great family. I really do, but I expect anything down the road, based on what I have seen.

I need to piggyback on the question asked by 1golflady. I have three brothers who have been in denial and accuse me of over-reacting. My mom was diagnosed in 2013 (age 81 now) with early stage Alzheimer's. I have been taking care of her since then. At first it wasn't much; this past year she has progressed in her disease and I do more. She has her own apartment but I am over there two to three times a week at night bringing her dinner or cooking dinner for her. I grocery shop for her, I go to all her Dr. appointments with her, I write her notes to remember to do things or how to do things. This week she took a turn for the worse with hallucinations & driving around at 4 a.m. in the morning. I quickly got into her neuro-psychologist and he informed me she could no longer be left alone. She is at my house now and I was able to find an adult day care right by my work and I drop her off and pick her up. Today is her first day. HOWEVER; my brothers got wind of her last episode and are now in panic mode and upsetting both of us. They accuse me of hiding her, calling me names and indicating that I'm not doing a good job, etc. To give you an idea; they saw my mom on Christmas & excluded me from the gathering, then they didn't see her again until Mother's Day ~ that's 5 months! I asked them two years ago when they cooked to make a plate for her and drop it off - they never have. They rarely call her and never call me to see what is going on and how she is doing. But boy, now they are jumping at the bit to get involved and cause trouble. One of them even picked the lock and broke into my house the other night! She is calm and relaxed with me; she has been sleeping well and I am cooking for her so she is also eating better. They keep texting me, telling me that I just want to be the "Queen Bee" and the one to get all the credit for caring for her, etc. I have broken all ties with the two younger brothers because they have broken my heart too many times and I will not allow it to happen again! The brother closest in age to me is now taking their side and the one breaking in, yelling at me and calling me names. What do I do? Who would I get credit from? I don't have any close friends and no children of my own to help me. I'm sick and tired of them 'forgetting' about mom and only jumping into crisis mode when there is an event. They don't know anything about how she has been or even the Dr. appointments we have had for her other illnesses, let alone what her capabilities are. Can I get restraining orders against them?

In fact shes ( sister ) probably reading this right now ( she likes to spy on me here since she "accidently" ran across a post of mine ). But Im not letting that stop me from venting here because without this place my hub would be the only one, and that's not fair to him. He married me, not my mother and me. Thank god for this website and knowing how many people are in the same boat, so I know Im not just bat s#@t crazy for feeling the ways I do..........

Golflady, arrange respite for yourself. If sis won't take mom in, find a facility near sis to care for mom. Even a couple of weeks with mom so close to sis, then maybe she will begin to understand. If not, so be it. Some just have to complain to have something to talk about.

Sounds to me like you should call your sister and explain that you would like a 2 week vacation from Mom. Arrange a date. Then you can listen for a couple of weeks on how screwed up your sister's house is......lived this....hated this.....sometimes you just have to "call everybody out". I sympathize. Hang in there, but stand up for yourself!

I agree Sunnygirl. I have been doing pretty good at ignoring her and realizing that it is what it is. I have come to terms with it for the most part and I just keep my mouth closed and wait for that apartment to open up. Just on days like today, when I find out my name is being thrown around, It just bothers the heck out of me when I am going through so much, while everyone else sits back saying la de da de da....... I am ( so is my hubby ) SOOOOO close to seriously just dropping mom off at this sisters ( even though she has a million excuses why mom shouldn't be at HER house ) then they can talk about what ever their little hearts desire.

1golfady,
If your mom has no health issues, then why can't she go and live with your sister, since sister isn't happy with you? Let her support your mom and then she can deal with it.

I would try to stop putting so much emphasis on what sister says. You are helping mom and she is doing nothing. It's rather absurd. Who cares what she says? There are always people who lie, malign and criticize others. Usually, people who know them, ignore their contentions. Anyone who knows the situation knows her words are ridiculous, right? Why get so upset about it?

When you do the right thing, you do the right thing. It sounds like you have. Why not be at peace with it?

thanks for the responses. My mother is 74. she moved in with me because shes poor and couldn't stay alone where she was when my step dad died. shes had a couple of health issues this year, but nothing that keeps her from living a normal life. EVERY day is a roller coaster living with her , my sister has NO IDEA what its like. For her to sit on her a** and judge me KILLS me inside. For my mother to be talking crap about me to a person who hasn't lifted a single finger to help her, makes me literally sick to my stomach. I can HONESTLY say this has been the WORSE experience I have ever lived through.

CORRECTION to post above. It should say the one who does the most is the least appreciated.

I think most families have a lot of dysfunction and the care of the parent is often an issue. For some reason, the one who does the least is the biggest complainer and the one who does the least is the least appreciated. I'm not sure why it's like that so often.

It sounds like you already did one good thing by blocking the phone calls. If she continues to speak to other family members, then I might just ask them to keep it to themselves and that I wasn't interested. Unless she has a valid concern that should be given consideration, I wouldn't listen to it. If he hasn't seen your mom in over a year, I can't imagine what criticism she might have.

If she's a viable option as a caregiver, you might ask her pointblank if mom could go and stay with her for awhile. Maybe that would cause her to back off.

Golflady, welcome to the club! Good vent! There are many of us that have similar stories and imagine if your mom had dementia and siblings were in denial of how sick mom was. I see your mom has general age related decline, maybe dementia is beginning to develop? Come on over to the dysfunctional thread there are many of us there. That thread at least helps me to feel not so alone and I receive support that without I would not have been able to provide four years of care.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm

Poster, after reading your second post about how strongly you feel about mom HERSELF doing this, why not try those suggested words with her? And tell her that you absolutely don't want to hear those conversations. "Go to your room...wait til I'm out. STOP IT!"

Or better yet, "Mom, I'll help you pack. Where are you going? I'll call a cab."

Well, I tend to excuse mom simply because she doesn't have much to talk about. As mom got older and her world began shrinking, her conversations often were gossiping about others. She loved nothing more than to find someone who would. eagerly commisserate with her. Sigh. I must say, though, that it was never about me, God bless her soul.

Since you've said that you've cut off contact with this sister, I'd start drawing boundaries with those who carry tails from her. Stop them in their tracks.

"Lalalalala...I can't hearrrrr youuuu." And then go on to say something like, "Look, we do the best we can having mom here. It breaks my HEART to hear about all the things we're supposedly doing wrong. What's RIGHT here is that mom is loved and safe and cared for at absolutely no cost to her. If there's anyone else who thinks they can do better? The line forms at the front door."

"If those with negative opinions really cared? They'd be enrichimg mom's life by sending her thinking of you cards...a present on her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas...come to visit her...and NOT just spend their "supposed caring for mom time" criticizing the only people in her life who are there for her 100% right now. In short, I DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS **** ANY MORE!!!"

Whatever the words, memorize them. You'll only need them once per person.

Golflady, I believe you may get helpful ideas if you would describe the situation better. How old is Mom and what is her diagnosis or limitations? Clearly, my thoughts would differ if she was 75 and in decent health vs. 92 with dementia.
And how is it that you learn of your Mom and sister's transgressions? That would be helpful to know as well.

Ouch.

Sending you waves of empathy across the ocean. I can feel fury boiling up in me just imagining how you feel. The ingratitude and the injustice of it are so hurtful.

As I type, I'm missing my aunt's funeral. Actually there are complex reasons for that, some good - I am genuinely waiting for a phone call about a job that I really need, the journey would cost money that I don't really have to spend - and some not good: primarily that my brother and SIL will be there and I can't stand to be in a confined area with them.

But you and I need not to let our feelings about a given sibling impact on us. Somehow. God knows how - if I knew then a) I'd pass it on and b) I wouldn't be sitting here reading, I'd be supporting my cousin and her brothers. So I have no advice because I haven't worked this problem out. I just know that somehow we need to get hold of it and shake it.

Have you tried writing down what you'd say to her in an imaginary conversation? That can help, at least to get your feelings organised. Hugs to you, this is an awful way to feel and I'm really sorry for it.

how am I supposed to have ANY respect for a mother that talks nasty about me behind my back even though I am the ONLY one of her daughters to lift a finger to help her ?? I cant even look her in the eye now days much lest respect her.