What are caregiver rights when dealing with elderly parent with borderline personality disorder?

Wow, you guys are reading so much into this. We don't know how things evolved, yet everyone jumped on this person with both feet. Those of us who have borderline type parents can see how these types of things happen. We don't know if there is no income and the two older children came with them as family. It could be that the area is just too expensive for the people to afford. For example, if I went to NYC, I would quickly go through everything I have.

People with borderline personalities are very changeable. They can lure you in with a promise, then deny they ever made that promise. They can love you to pieces one week and see you as the enemy the next. It is the nature of the personality. I think we should listen, rather than joining in with her mother to dump grief on her head.

I doubt she will be back. I know I wouldn't.

My 83 year old BPD mother (undiagnosed) is in her 2nd Assisted Living Facility. I am a licensed mental health counselor. Of course, with a BPD parent, as most of you know, no one gets away unscathed. My mother's behavior is aggressive, demanding, manipulative, conniving, hateful, verbally and physically abusive. She often has fits of rage and threatens others. She threw the facility's Administrator cell phone against the wall yesterday. We have had her on medication for the anger (it has dual purposes and we did not tell her it was for the anger and aggression because she would have refused it). As most of you know, BPD do no wrong and have nothing wrong with their behavior). I am waiting for this facility to tell me she has to go. I cannot care for her in my home. No one should be put in a position of caring for a BPD. I am an only child, so I have no relief. I have set boundaries with little relief. My mother believes I told her that I wish she would die. That is not true. She believes that I have stolen her money. That is not true. I spend enormous amounts of time paying her bills and juggling money. I have done everything in my power to see that she is in a wonderful place. The last place she let was a nightmare. She refused ALL medications, cussed staff, was threatening staff and others there, was belligerent and hateful to all. All she wanted was to get out. I moved her like she wanted. She has been in the new facility less than 3 months. Of course, it was heaven at first and predictably, she now hates it because someone disagreed with her about something. She is threatening to sue because this facility insists she stays on her medication. I do not know what I will do if they kick her out. I am fast running out of options and she is running out of money. I know this is a long rant, but maybe the first therapeutic thing I have done for myself ever. My mother has abused me mentally and physically for as long as I have memory. She is the reason I went into the mental health field. I had to know how a human being could be so cold to their offspring. I think at this point, I most likely need legally assistance. I would welcome any comments or help. Thanks. Worn OUT in Florida

Wow so harsh. I am a child of an elderly parent who has been recently diagnosed with BPD but, I knew this about her my entire life - and I mean as far back as I can remember being alive. As the only child of 3 who has anything to do with mom, let me say that even though I KNOW she has this disorder and can be cruel and spiteful, I still help because I feel no one should be alone when they pass. Mom has burned every bridge and her siblings don't want anything to do with her either. My 90 yr. old mom has played head games with all of us kids and is very good at lying to me and sucking me in to believing things will be different and better. She has turned on the charm by stating that she wants to start over and really bond with me and that she realizes I'm the only one who cares about her and she truly loves me and my family. As her only daughter who has only known emotional and physical abuse from this woman, I found myself hoping that "this time it will be better." I've had to tell myself that I need to accept that I have a biological mother and not a huggy, squishy, really loves me kind of mom. That doesn't make me ill nor does it make me a scam artist. Even though she's leaving everything to just one brother, I'm still taking care of her in my home, living pay check to paycheck and not charging her a dime. I'm not holding out for an inheritance, it's just the right thing to do - for me. Many people aren't as strong nor as logical and I can see where a daughter who perhaps has been struggling, got caught up in the offer, She DID write, "in order to get us here she offered...Her mother could be agreat actress as mine is. That doesn't make her a horrible daughter and it doesn't make me want to cry for her mother. Her mother reminds me of mine and could be very twisted with plans to use her daughter. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take an offer given to you that would change your life. None of you know what her mom is really like. Glass houses.

Jdriver, glad you came back. It sounds like you are getting everything back together. People with bipolar can promise you the word and leave you holding the bag, then blaming you with it. Many of us know what you probably faced, since we've been in the same position. From what you wrote in your last message, it looks like you could give us advice on how to deal with this type situation.

Your mother left you with a mess. What always surprised me with a bipolar or narcissistic parent is that they never care how they might have hurt their child. It always becomes the fault of the child and the parent becomes the victim. I was sorry to see that this support group did the same thing to you. Guess you could call us "support-group dearest." It does seem like the world is like that. It is the reason I don't talk about the things my mother does outside the house. Strange that judgment usually falls on the child and sympathy goes to the parent.

Looking at the situation from your mother's viewpoint, she invited you, your husband and presumably your 11 year old, but she didn't invite the "2 older children who moved with us and are just starting their own lives".

In my opinion, these "older children" who are starting their lives should be doing exactly that, starting with finding a place of their own and getting jobs if they don't already have them. That's just too much of an imposition on your mother.

You don't write as to how long you've been living with her, so it's unclear if this was a decision she came to gradually or spontaneously.

But I think it's time for your family to move on and create your own life. You wrote that it's not economically viable for you to stay on your own. Forgive me, but why not? You have 3 children yet you're not yet financially in a position to live on your own? Something's amiss here.

I think you need to look at Section 8 or some kind of subsidized housing, and if you're not working, start looking for jobs immediately. With your 11 year old in school, either or both of you could at least work part time.

Your mother wants to be alone; let her. There will be difficulties with her proceeding into older age but apparently she doesn't want you to help her. That may change in time, but right now it's her house.

As to her vision problems, I would at least find alternate transportation modes so that she can get to doctor's appointments. Then let her make her own decisions.

I don't usually disagree with Maggie, but I question whether you even have tenants' rights if you're not paying any rent. Did you sign a lease? Any kind of caregiver agreement including financial arrangements? If you changed your address with a state agency (depending on the state), it may be considered that her home is your legal address. In that case, your mother would likely have to evict you, but do any of you really want to go through that unsettling process?

I think you should (a) start packing and making plans to leave, as well as (b) identify local resources that can help your mother after you do so.

What rights do you wonder about having? The right to force her to honor her verbal promise to give you her house? No, you don't. You have tenants' rights. You have the right to a thirty-day notice before you have to move. And the right of due process in landlord/tenant court.

It's not economically viable for you and your husband and three children to live on your own? That's sad. I could cry for your mom. I really could.

Sorry, we all get a little burnt out on caregiving, I might be having a bad day. But Maggie and Garden Artist are never, or rarely wrong.

cmagnum, thanks so much for all the resources above. I plan to order several. I appreciate your post. Believe me, I know I will never have peace until my mother is dead. I do not wish her an early death, I only wish for me to find the safety in the eye of the storm. Thanks again.

Jessebelle, you are right about jumping in with not enough information, and I am guilty of doing that. If I had waited, even without more information from the poster, it would have been me presenting your very same more understanding and compassionate points. Hopefully, the poster with the question will understand that everyone can jump to conclusions without enough information. Maybe she will come back to work this out, or even to put us all back in our place for not giving her the benefit of the doubt. She is a caregiver for her mom in a difficult situation with an entire family burden. Let's help her inspite of our own faults.
There, does that work if both sides are presented, because I hope so, sincerely.

Oh and I later discovered she was telling everyone I'd lost my job and she "saved" me ... meh