My brothers have turned me into APS; Adult Protective Services. What to do?

Suggestion about the brothers -- if you cannot communicate effectively directly with them, try seeing if there is a mediation service near you. Or an independent mediator who may act as an intermediary, contacting them to find out their side of the story. If you can find out what is motivating them, you can answer those specific concerns. It's probably money. They think 1. that if she lives with you, she will "leave everything" to you. 2. that she will love you more 3. that it will be so expensive that you will ask them for money to help out. 4. that the nursing home will be "covered" (as if!) and that it would save them money if she went there. If you can lay out those probable costs to them -- show them that, yes, they will be required to spend money on helping their aging mother. But if you are in charge, it will be a lot less.

Show them the areas you have organized for your mother's care. Shelves of supplies, food, snacks for her. Show them grab bars, clear hallways and doorways. They are interested in safety, not perfection. Also, there are no rules about leaving them alone to run errands. Just show them she is not being neglected, but cared for, in the comfort of home. My mother savored the peacefulness of being left alone for a few hours. They came and watched me change her diaper, clean her, feed her. They made some suggestions and I complied readily. That's all.

Thanks Falcon -I don't know what to expect, but it is for the best. I made my complaint as an elder neglect complaint. I have a very long thread on the experience so far. My siblings do not realize that what they are doing is neglect - passive neglect. My cowardly brother is kowtowing to Mom's wishes. She does not want to go into a home. She truly thinks she does not have dementia and that her kidneys are fine!! UGH! I have tried for almost a year (mid October) to get them to move her. The puzzling thing is, my brother was all set for ME to start the process, but since he is POA, he has to do the paperwork. When I told him this - it was a big fat no way. And he's had his "back up" ever since. This was my only option, really. I don't care if any of them are angry with me. Mom's safety and well being MUST come before hers or their wants. Her doctor will back me up on everything. I am hoping he has filed a complaint as well. I took a note and the rest of my diary the morning after my brother shut me out. That morning, I also sent my siblings my letter stating that I was stepping back and I would be getting APS involved. This is a sad and scary situation for my Mom's wellbeing.

fedup challenge no access to your mum it is abuse to isolate them in most cases.

APS are there to make sure that everything is OK they don't want brilliance they don't want spectacular they just want safety and security and good health. In my experience of this type of person (they aren't called that in the UK) they are very non committal and just take notes. Watch there faces - it will tell you all you need to know.

You never know maybe they will tell you to spend money on things - that will upset your siblings. If they do eventually get POA that will be interesting .... god help your Mum would be my first comment because you acted on professional advice. But can you imagine how much work they are going to have to do to satisfy you that all is well!!!! it's almost comical or would be if they weren't so horrid. Typical though don't want to do anything themselves but still find time to criticise those who do.
all the work!

APS deals with people who do bad things, they also deal with people who are facing a difficult, overwhelming and unfamiliar circumstances for which they just need guidance. Be open to their guidance, the doctor said mom needs 24x7 care, they may opine the same, in which case day care and an alarm may not suffice. Cooperate with APS, and you both will be fine.

I just filed a complaint with APS to get help with getting my mother placed. My brother(POA) and sister will not do it even tho the doctor said Mom needs 24/7 care. It was not an easy decision, but I have done everything I could to keep her safe and hopefully get her in a safer environment.

Do start keeping a diary of everything!! I have been keeping one since mid October of '14 because things were getting pretty bad and I needed more help. I gave it Mom's doctor in two portions so that I had some backup. I also got a letter from the physical therapist we had for a while - she recommended more supervision as well. Keep emails and text messages from your brothers, too. My brother has shut me out of Mom's care as of last week, and she will not see me. I am hoping that her doctor calls as well. (((HUGS))). It sounds like you have done what you can, but if she is being left alone - that is one big problem. A very dangerous problem.

As suggested, use APS as an ally, affirming your attempts to comply and asking them for suggestions. I believe they're not allowed to reveal the source of the complaint, so it could in fact have been a medical professional.

And raise the issue of your brother's non-participation and ask APS for suggestions. They probably won't have any that you haven't thought of, but it demonstrates your attempt to provide 24/7 care for your mother by bringing in the brothers.

And you definitely need to report the break-in. Were you there when they broke in? Did you call the police?

Yes, you can explain his strange behavior...unless your brother has a previous history of mental illness. And even THAT is an explanation. How did you know it was him? Were you home? Was mom home alone? Did you call the cops and report a break in? If they haven't seen mom, why would they report you to APS?

It's apparent from your post that you HAVE been leaving mom home alone. Perhaps it was the doctor who reported you. They are mandated reporters after all.

Absolutely, Blannie. Deborah, APS can help you. After all, these people have decades of experience between them. Ask their advice, get their phone numbers - treat them as professionals you can lean on, rather than prosecutors who are out to get you. Who knows what your brothers thought they were doing, but why let it matter? If the result is that you get help, advice and a gold star from the authorities, you win.

It sounds like you've done a stellar job and have nothing at all to hide. And your brothers are dopes (welcome to the "we have dopey brothers club"). Invite APS in with open arms and ask them if there's anything else they'd suggest for you. Be open and welcoming to them - that would probably be a first! They'll love you.

Start keeping a journal for your own protection. So now they have actually committed a crime by breaking and entering your house, this should not be tolerated.Please keep a journal, I have a vindictive mother that lives with me and I chart defensively because of her. If I am ever falsely accused of anything I have my journal, I write down EVERYTHING! I even make daily entries about my mothers behavior,complaints, anything and everything,no detail is to small.

bookluvr; I don't know. They never call me to inquire about how mom is doing and they never help with anything. I think it's their quilt and the fact that they don't understand the disease and have not witnessed her decline because they NEVER spend time with her. They don't know that she puts her clothes on backwards or two pairs pants at a time, they don't know that she can't even make tuna salad without me writing it down for her, they don't know that she never knows what day it is and that she goes to her appointments whenever she feels like it because she has no concept of time, I could go on and on but we all know these symptoms. I think they believe she should still be at her apartment and don't understand why I have taken her to my house. One of them even picked the lock on my door and broke in on Tues night! I really cannot explain their bizarre behavior! They accuse me of wanting to be the "Queen Bee" and "take all the credit" for caring for mom, and say that I don't let them "in". All they have to do is call and inquire, but I surely don't stop them from visiting her, calling her, or taking her out. I really don't know... :-(

Deborah, it sounds like you're doing what's needed. The doctor said this 31Aug. You got mom signed up for adult day care on 09/1. Where can APS find fault in this? Take a very deep breathe, and try to keep calm despite your heart beating fast and your mind running all over the place.

May I know why your brothers would report you to APS? Why? Did they tell you why? Or in past conversations showed disapproval of you/mom?