My mom will be 94 next week. She still lives in her condo apartment and is in relatively good health, except for arthritis aches and pains. She is legally blind and uses a walker but is quite independent and social.
Ever since she stopped driving at age 75, I've been her main "go to" person for grocery shopping, appointments, etc., as well as caring for her emotional needs. My brother does help out occasionally. I am self-employed and have a very hectic schedule.
Mom has always been an impatient, demanding woman and has become worse in the past couple of years. She has started to get more confused and doing some troublesome things, like freaking out if I don't answer the phone right away. The other day, I was in our swimming pool. The phone was inside. She called four times with a half hour. When I returned her call, she said she was worried that I was sick. She called my brother, who lives 20 minutes away, and told him to come to my house to check if I was okay. Fortunately, I was able to reach him to tell him I was okay.
This is not the first time mom has freaked out like this when I haven't immediately returned her phone calls. I suspect some dementia is setting in. I notice that she's getting a bit more confused, too.
Mom has said a couple of times that she wishes I called her every day, because some of her friends' children do that. She says she gets "lonely." Meanwhile, my sister calls every Sunday, my brother calls one a week, my niece visits her almost every Monday, I call Mondays and Thursdays and usually take her grocery shopping every Friday. Plus, she plays cards every night with the people in her building and goes out to lunches and other functions almost every week, so I'm not understanding why she's "lonely."
I really don't want to commit to calling her every day, for a few reasons, but most of all, because if I don't call her every day on time, she'll flip out and worry. As I said, I run a business and it requires me to be on the road every day, I also have battled anxiety for years and it would be just too much for me to deal with her drama on a daily basis. Certainly, I am always there for her if she needs anything, but calling every day would be absolutely too much for me to handle.
She's been on the list for assisted living for four years. I think she'd be much happier, less needy, and less "lonely" if she were in such an environment.
Anyone else dealing with a similar situation? Am I being selfish?
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My M used to beg a daily call too, then it got to be twice a day "So I can say goodnight." Pretty soon it would have built up to me never being off the phone!
My widowed BIL is now starting the same pattern.
My advice is to reassure her the days/times you'll call. On the time give yourself a leeway for events. Mum I'll call you Monday between 9 and 10. If I don't call, don't worry because it just means I'm in the middle of something & I'll call as soon as I'm free.
BTW it's lovely to read of folks who so miss loving parents & would dearly relish 1 more call. Sadly we don't all get that relationship and calls bring grief, pain, anger, lack of self worth and a whole bag more of not feeling good.
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Well, let's face it, some people are like that - but they're not the issue so let's gratefully ignore them for once. The issue is to do with people who have been more or less normal and reasonable in their behaviour previously, but who are now turning into phone stalkers who freak out if you don't instantly answer the phone. What's going on with them?
Sit in a chair and imagine that you have an uneasy feeling that you should be somewhere else but you're not sure where. Your thinking skills don't seem to be working; as you might feel, for example, if you'd gone without sleep for 24 hours and then were shaken awake just after you'd dropped off - you'd seem to be alert but decision-making and information-processing? Fat chance. You think your memory's fine, and the gaps where information is missing are something that you are unaware of.The only location you can picture with any certainty is a house you definitely lived in sixty years ago. The only people you are completely confident you have a connection with are your mother and father, who must be around somewhere but you don't know where to look for them, and your children; those are the physiologically rooted bonds that go deep into the heart of your being. You have a sense of dread and you're not sure why, but something isn't right. You must consult someone. Who you gonna call?
Good daughter!
You are doing the best you can. It's good other family members help out. Yes, as a fellow "go-to" person, my parents expect me to drop everything. No question the pressure is there. On the other hand, you deserve a life. Good for you for reaching out on this discussion board. Don't forget we're here for you.
When I haven't been able to reach my father and have been anxious or overly concerned, I've called repeatedly. A few times I've gotten in my car and driven the nearly 30 miles to make sure that he's okay. He tells me I'm a worrier. But I fear any manner of things happening to him and need to be reassured sometimes, especially when certain other conditions exist.
I can understand your position, especially since you write that your mother engages in "drama", but I honestly don't think it's too much to call her daily. She's an old woman, she can't see, and apparently she's alone all day.
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