Mother (90) in hospice; one family member wants her taken off hospice. Any advice?

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horselady21 Asked September 2015

Mother (90) in hospice; one family member wants her taken off hospice. Any advice?

Rehydrated via iv, and try to "bring her back" from the brink. Before hospice was called (it's been about 3 weeks now), Mom was falling, not eating or drinking much, and in a general decline. My 94 year old father and I can't pick her up, getting her to Dr. appt's was a nightmare, and we were totally stressed out. Hospice has been such a relief; yes, she still doesn't eat very much, but at least we aren't "chasing" medical issues. But one family member, whose husband is a nurse, wants us to take her off hospice and get her rehydrated via iv, and try to get her "well" again. I say, I can't do it anymore. I have my own health issues, and it's all I can do to feed her and wipe her and keep an eye on things. If she wants to make her "better", let her come and take care of her and pick her up when she falls, etc! Now I am even more stressed, thinking we got hospice involved too soon. Gosh, I feel guilty thinking it, but I wish it was just over with! Thoughts? And thank you. You guys keep me sane!

End of Life

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score 1 · Answer 1

What are your mom's wishes? Is she okay with having hospice? I'll bet she is appreciative of the help that she, and you and your Dad, receive from hospice, as well as the reduction of stress because of it. I'll admit, I wouldn't be shy about pulling the 'parent card', "It's what Mom and Dad want".

As it was said in previous responses, you and your Dad are the primary caregivers and no one else is in as good a position to know what's best for your Mom's care. You're doing an awesome job!

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score 2 · Answer 2

Horselady, especially as they're right there - ask your hospice team! It's a straightforward question: is there a realistic, even if slight, possibility of your mother's recovering? It might also be an idea to ask them to speak to your sister and clarify the situation for her.

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score 2 · Answer 3

They obviously haven't researched the facts or read information by professional studies. From what I have read, artificial hydration is not a long term solution. It provides vitamins and electrolytes, but no other nutrients. They also need proteins and fats. And that would take feeding tubes, which in the terminally ill, are associated with increased infection and disease. Here's a piece about it and other issues that I found helpful. It' about more than just dementia patients.
http://avoidablecare.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Sharpe-Handbook-A-Caregivers-Guide-to-Advance-Dementia.pdf

Do these family members really believe that your mom can recover? Do they understand that when the body shuts down, it's doing that for a reason? I guess not. I bet they don't realize that their desire for someone to live indefinitely, could cause her more suffering.

Do what you know is the right thing and try to ignore them.

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score 3 · Answer 4

You are absolutely doing the right thing! Unless your family member wants to take over physical care of your mom, ignore their advice. Talk is cheap. Hugs to you - it's a gut wrenching choice to bring in hospice. Having ignorant family members challenge it is even harder. You don't deserve that treatment!

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score 5 · Answer 5

My mom was on hospice for pancreatic cancer, stage IV. My uncle and aunt wanted her to take chemo and some experimental drugs. Fight it they said. Sure, she was 84, very ill and had two months left at best. Tune them out. Hospice was wonderful and she died peacefully. Blessing to you.

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score 5 · Answer 6

You are doing the right thing. She is being well cared for, you are getting some much need relief. Don't let meddling relatives make this worse and reverse course. It's is very difficult to go through this but think about her quality of life at this point. If it were you, would you want your life to be drug on and on at this point?

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score 2 · Answer 7

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I guess it is hard for some people to let go. I guarantee, if my sister had to do this 24/7, she would understand.

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score 7 · Answer 8

Sounds like your family members are in complete denial and will never get it. You have been there, you know that your mom was worse before hospice came in, you know how her quality of life had declined. Does it make sense to 'get her well' only to go through this again in a few weeks or months? The poor woman is 90, you are doing the right thing, let her rest. (((Hugs)))

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Mother (90) in hospice; one family member wants her taken off hospice. Any advice?

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