How do you cope with being a caregiver for your Father whom you love deeply and a narcissistic Mother who is jealous of daughter?

You deserve better.I have had the same situation my dad recently passed.My mother neefs everyone undivided attention.She treated my dad who I adored terribly.Cause his illness wasnt all about her.Her nasty emotional abuse to me were unbearable at times.When I was ready to throw in the towelI considered calling APS
But my darling Dad would have ended up in a nursing home
I learmed to just tune her out and focus on my goal was to make dad as happy and comfortable his last year.
Being a caregiver is hard enough and dealing with a self centered N. Is something else.I am blessed the days I spent with dad and I refused to let her take that away
Hang on to the good.Which in my life was the love of my father
I will pray for you

It is a sad situation...If you argue back with her, perhaps it would upset dad. May God bless you in your struggles.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

I might suggest a counselor or psychologist in addition to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists usually focus more on medication. Psychologists and counselors focus on helping you develop additional coping skills. Also I would suggest finding a caregiver support group to help you to have a support system that recognizes your ares of struggle around caring for aging parents. I will pray for you.

I don't know about you, but I have zero tolerance for abuse of ANY kind! Why should she be allowed to abuse you when you are so selflessly caring for her husband? Let HER take care of him for a few days, and I bet she changes her tune!

Only you can allow/ prevent someone from treating you poorly. You deserve better.

I had a huge weight lifted when my Mom was diagnosed with a Narcissistic personality disorder. I assumed that her rants, and remarks were all my fault. I have now set my boundaries with her. If your parents can afford outside help and you can limit your hours of caregiving, I would do that. Stick to this forum, you are not alone. Good luck and God bless.

Oh brother rom what you've written, can I relate to you. No siblings either, but didn't know mom was jealous and such til way, way after his death.
Good job on recognizing what she is, Cleo0467; that it has a name. (I just thought mine had a right to be angry even if it was all the time oh please... years later she's still full of it) In hindsight, knowing that I'm one of SO many would have helped.
Forums like this one, and ones like narcissisticmother.com would have helped greatly. Youtube videos on the topic - amazing at how many informative videos are there.. I've found the "best" are from ones who are living it, and reading the comments under the videos have helped me since.
They all seem to have the same traits, these mothers (and others) and learning how others have handled it seems to help.
One thing I've read over and over again is that the only thing they respond positively to is flattery; strategize to work that in your favour.
Another thing I've read and learned over and over and over again is that they hate to be challenged, so some say don't bother.
I agree you don't deserve any of this behaviour especially from someone who should only be loving and supporting you, especially at this time and circumstance, one would think.
Good on counselling - from what I've read not all get the n thing as much as one would hope, and that if you feel they don't get it, then find another.
Meditation and prayer do help, too.

I don't mean to be assumptive, but you said the n word, and provided many examples of traits of one. Its a deep well, but it can be dealt with. I just wish I knew then what I knew now.
Bless you for being so good to your Dad, and I know you've been good to your Mom too-- but I bet its never good enough...
After all is said and done, you will carry the good memories of the love you showed for your Dad and that I can say with full confidence, is something that you will always gratefully cherish.
Wishing you the best!

My survival tactics to deal with my Narc mother: complement her on traits that look like compassion (I don't want to be The Judge, but experience with her shows me that it's all usually about her needs). Her latest behaviors with my ailing father looked like Lady Gaga on steroids in her 90s visiting her x husband. She took on the physical traits like a bad actress while taking control over her time with my father, preventing me from having a quality minute with him. But at least this looked like she was a loving caring person. I knew this whole show was really all about my mother fraught with her own history, trying to erase her guilt of abuse, infidelity, and a bad marriage. I found the whole scene hard to witness. Dad looked bewildered and helpless: like he always did!

For my own peace I am trying to look deeply to find the two people who, like myself and all of us, are very imperfect, and to seek in my own heart some compassion for them in their last years. Not easy peasy!

cleo, is your mother considered as your father's primary caregiver? Since it is their home, I don't think that you can do anything about it. Are you living with them or do you live somewhere else?

I live with a mother who can be abusive. She is very self-centered and there is no way to get her to see beyond herself. I no longer try to get her to have empathy toward me or others. I know it is not something she is capable of. What I do for myself is remind myself that it is not me, it is her. I give her wide berth, which is a shame because I live in her house. To keep my sanity I just do the things I need to do. I treat her with respect, but I don't try to make a mother out of her. I hope that makes sense.

Is it a happy existence? No, it's miserable and I don't deserve it. But it is something that needs to be done. It can be hard to imagine sometimes that I can even be related to my family members. Sometimes I feel like the rock in the midst of a flock of fluttering sea gulls.

Lisa, it sounds like your mother may have full-fledged borderline personality disorder. There are some good sites about BPD on the internet. It may help you to understand if you read about it and watch some of the videos that have people with the different categories of BPD. The disorder is devastating on children and I feel the devastation you are going through with your mother. I can also tell your mother is dependent and needs to have someone take care of every aspect of her life. Sometimes all we can do is pull our emotions back and do the things that need to be done. It helps a lot to think of yourself as a professional, just doing your job. A professional can show respect, but doesn't have to get sucked into the emotion. You are doing the best you can, Lisa. I wouldn't depend on any support from your mother at all. You have my sympathy.

I too had this -But mine was with my daughter- her controlling husband was really bad at being a narcissist- He got to where he started telling her she could not afford anything- that she is going to be all by herself and no one around to take care of her when he is out of her life- (who was taking care of her-(me) he even said the nurses get paid to wipe her as-, She cried to be cleaned and not to lay in her waste- to use bed-pan-- she was bedridden from a bike accident- crushed pelvic -could not move for 3 mos.I was with her 24/7. -at hospitals- and he had the nerve to tell her that I was to blame for them divorcing- and when she told me this I left. She is still with the controlling narcissistic. I think she thinks she can not get a man to love let alone like her. For she has MS- and is on the large side-240. anyway- we haven't spoken in a year. My husband has no leg muscles and is in wheelchair she want even call her dad to see how he is doing- and he had nothing to do with this heavy mess. She did call one day last week and wanted to know why I don't push him down ramp and take him places- -He said nothing ( he too weighs 220) and has not accepted his life in wheelchair. We're 70 years young- and no help - I cook ,clean and wash for him and him- so she say's I'm to blame for his not being outside --- After my husband of 53 years is gone and look who is left alone me - But I will have my Lord.. A long story,but we all have to deal with life in same way- Give to the LORD and let it go.

My mother was a first class narcissist life long. She knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was 6 ... it never got better after that and I spent a lifetime avoiding her. Like a true narc she was sweetness and light to all she met, though she'd never lift a finger to help anyone, not even her own parents as it was too much trouble, never mind she lived around the corner, had a big car and didn't work. Growing up if that's all you see you think these narcs are the norm and you will bear the scars they inflict on you forever.

Along with me, she treated my father like dirt. he got a puppy and wanted it to sleep in the bed ... my father said no dogs in the bed so she took herself and the pup into the spare room. For thr last 12 years of my father's life he slept alone and went everywhere alone. Any supposed misdemkeanour was met with niot speaking to him for weeks, merely slapping his food plate on the table and storming off.

After a lifetime of jumping to fulfill her needs, wants and whims (which were never good enough his heart gave out. Just before he died he came to my house, said "Your mother will never be happy with anything" and hugged me - first time he'd ever done so ( scared of her I suppose ... we were both terrified of her)

She screamed down the phone every day for years and sent the cops if I didn't answer, even while in the NH. Changed my phone number, made sure she didn't have my address, blacked out driving my truck at 85 and had a nervous breakdown, hid in the house for months.

She passed away in a NH last week, thank the lord. It's a challenge to deal with her stuff but I'm getting there. Having sold my home and quit my career to care for her in her home for four horrendous years and continuing to give her everything in the 3 years she was in a NH, I have no regrets.

I see things more clearly now. My mother's father was a narc (grandma was planning to divorce him in her 80s), her brother (who she never spoke to since I was a child) was a narc as well and Mommie Dearest was the narc from hell.

Frankly I choose to believe that she was mentally unstable her whole life and, in that fought, I can forgive and get on with my life.