So I am the main... basically only caregiver for my grandmother who is 72. I am 27 years old ... married with two kids I homeschool along with my cousins son. My grandmother needs someone who can be with her when she needs help ... she gets confused and is very depressed. She current lives in an independent living facility about 20 mins from me. She has three children all of which think that they don't need to help their mom. I'm stressed out... tired... aggravated and just want to tell my aunts and mom off.... but I can't because I'm afraid they would get mad at me... which they would.... Don't get me wrong I love my grandmother dearly and I don't mind helping out... but when I get called in the middle of our school day to help my grandmother with something because my mom is too lazy to get out of bed theres a problem. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I can do everything... and if I say something to my mom she says well my grandmother will be find to stop helping her.. she is so blind and self centered she can't see whats wrong with her. I would move my grandmother in with me if I could but we don't have an extra room. My mom has an extra room but refuses to let her mom live with her... both my aunts have extra rooms but refuse. I've been looking into assisted living but my grandmothers SSI check won't cover all the expenses and her children refuse to help. I'm at a lost... .I am at the end of my rope... I feel like I am about to go crazy... what am I suppose to do.
15 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Here I was hoping that your Grandmother would be around people from her own generation and to make new BFF's while there. Let's see what happens. Keep us updated.
ADVERTISEMENT
Yes, having Grandmother in a continuing care facility will help with the stress, but you will need to schedule some visit times. Don't feel you need to visit her daily, schedule what you feel is right for you and your family. Anyway, your Grandmother will eventually make new friends and join in on the activities and might not have time for you at all :)
Let us know how you make out, and if you have any questions about nursing homes we are here for you.
Hands-on daily caregiving can be very exhausted because rarely are any of us trained to do this type of work. It's like dealing with a 130 lb toddler who is going backwards in development, instead of forward learning how to do things for themselves.
But remember, none of your relatives are willing to help because you are doing all the work.
There's nothing wrong with putting your foot down, but I have discovered that with many people, they just don't care. If you don't do it, it won't get done. That's why it's nice to have grandma somewhere that professionals can help her, if she needs it.
Stay calm, state things in a businesslike manner. Tell them what you can and cannot do. Remember - you may be a young one in their eyes, but you are in fact an adult woman just like them, on equal footing. Don't let them use the "older, wiser, respect your elders" card to manipulate you into doing what they don't want to do.
Check with the admins at the IL place where she's living and ask about transferring to AL.
Perhaps another positive solution to keep family relations comfortable for Grandma is to ask the rest of the family to help create visiting plans - not anything so rigid it's unworkable, but just so that Grandma isn't alone and has company of other family members.
1. Ask yourself, frankly, why and how you undertook this responsibility. It's clear from your post that you were the only one willing. Why is this?
2. Nothing's going to change until you decide you want it to, and take steps to make it happen.
3. Follow Sunny's suggestion and check out AL.
4. You can also advise your mother and the aunts that you're no longer going to do this, that you're taking steps to get GM on Medicaid and find an AL place that's convenient so ALL OF THEM can visit. If they disagree, advise them that you're terminating your services on a given date and they should step in to make alternate arrangements.
5. Don't back down. If you do, you'll never get out of this situation.
6. Read the GlassHalfFull's post "Our own "workshop" on setting boundaries" at https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/own-workshop-on-setting-boundaries-187549.htm
The biggest key to finding a solution to this situation is to know how it happened, how you became the sole caregiver and why, and what do you need to know about yourself and the family dynamics to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Good luck, and have confidence in yourself that you can effect a change.
By the way, 72 is very young for someone to need a lot of help unless there are serious medical issues going on. You wrote that your Grandmother gets confused, that sounds like the start of Alzheimer's/Dementia and if that is the case then she will need an extra layer of care, such as Sunnygirl had mentioned above, Assisted Living. And before you know it, your mother and aunts will want you to take care of themselves, too... be ready with that phase noted above.
Do you have your grandmother's Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, and a Living Will? I'd work on getting those things so she can be helped when she's not able. It's problematic if you don't have them on hand.
SHE MAY be able to still get into Assisted Living in NC. That's where your profile says you are located. NC has Special Assistance for those in need of Assisted Living and if they qualify. The income and asset qualifications are like that of Medicaid, but they only have a 3 year look back period. You do have to qualify to be in need of Assisted Living, such as being disabled or needing help with bathing, meals, hygiene, medication, etc. A doctor completes the form, but someone from an Assisted Living facility can do it too, I think.
If she could get into Assisted Living, there would be a lot more support for her around the clock and maybe then you could visit when possible and not have to drop things to go and assist grandmother. Your visits could be planned and you wouldn't be so stressed.
Here's a link with information.
http://www.ncdhhs.gov/assistance/adult-services/state-county-special-assistance