My mom has dealt with mental illness (depression, anxiety and paranoia) for most of her life. but rarely takes medication for any of it. She and my dad still live in their house, and my dad has Alzheimer's, so she's taking care of both herself and him. Everything is completely overwhelming to her, and I just feel like it would be slightly better if she'd treat her mental issues (I realize caring for a spouse with Alzheimer's is overwhelming anyway, I really do. But it has got to be worse when you're doing it from such a bad position in the first place). Most recently, she decided my husband and I were somehow "using" her (we do nothing but help her, take to doctor appointments, arrange for their grass to be cut, go over to change light bulbs, etc. etc.), but somehow she got it in her head that we've been doing something - I don't know what - behind her back. I find that after a lifetime of this kind of thing, I am getting totally fed up with trying to be compassionate because I know it's the illness speaking, and not her. I also know that it's part of the illness that refuses to let her acknowledge it. At the same time, I don't know how to help someone who won't help herself, and I find myself getting more mad at her than anything else. Also - and just as importantly - I worry about my dad, because I know she's not taking care of him as well as he might need her to. Any advice? Anyone else have a situation like this? Is it possible to relieve the guilt of feeling mad at my mentally ill mother, or is it just guilt that has to be lived with?
11 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
When I talk with her, the less I sympathize, the more guilty I feel. If I am practical and point out routes to solutions, I somehow end up feeling beastly. It is so wearing.
I guess I'm learning that personal boundaries are like fences: you set them up, and that's great - but if people frequently try to push through or climb over them, they are going to require maintenance.
Would they accept some in-home help, paid for with their funds? My aunt (I'll with chf) was cared for by my mentally ill and demented uncle for many years. It was really only okay once they had CNAs coming in everyday to help my aunt.
I'm also wondering if your mom jihad developed dementia on top of her pre-existing condition. That might explain a lot; she might in reality, not be remembering to take her meds. Do you set up pill boxes for her?
On a more practical note, things with your folks don't sound good now and are going to get much worse. To what extent are you prepared to deal with upcoming care, financial and legal issues. Do you have POA for them?
One thing is certain. This is only going to get worse. One of them will end up in the hospital, and you will have an opportunity to sit with the discharge people, who will probably try to convince you that all will be well. Your job is to stand firm and demonstrate to them that they will be sending your parent back to an unsafe environment .
But that's not what you asked. Being mad at one's mother is always hard. You probably grew up hearing that it was a terrible thing to be mad at your mom. Most young children believe, deep down, if they think bad things about their parents, their parents will die, or disappear, or become very ill.
Your mother is a human being who has made choices in life. As WE become adults, we begin to see our parents, not qua parents, but as regular humans with faults and frailties like the rest of us. And so, like with any other person , you're allowed to be angry. But I think what may really be going on in the feelings department is grief. You are losing both of your parents, and you're worried, and feel powerless.
Send their doctor (s) a letter and outline your concerns for them both.