How do you "cope" when Mom won't keep appointments and calls you disrespectful?

oops -- I wrote blood pressure decreases. Why?? I meant just the opposite. It increases when blood flow in the brain is insufficient.

katielemons, I know how you feel. My mother was bad to cancel her doctor appointments. One doctor finally wrote to "fire" her as a patient because she always canceled. This changed her behavior quickly. She hasn't canceled another appointment with a doctor since then.

The bradycardia/hypertension makes me think that your mother might need a pacemaker. Research in older people has shown that increasing the heart rate can help with perfusion of the brain with blood, so blood pressure decreases. When the heart rate is too low, the brain can signal for an increase in bp so it can get enough blood. So yes, yes, your mother needs to go to a good cardiologist to see if this would help. It could save her years of misery and a lot of wear and tear on her heart and arteries caused by the hypertension. (I am not a doctor, so what I suggest could be wrong may not be right. But a doctor may be able to save her life and prevent a stroke.)

How you get her to go to a doctor is the hard part. Our parents can be so bullheaded. Sometimes mothers will listen better to sons. Do you have a brother who can tell her she has to go? Keep on after her until you get her in to see a good cardiologist.

My mother has bradycardia/hypertension. Her doctor used to tell her she had the heart of a teenager, so she thinks the bradycardia is actually good. She's 89 now so I don't think we would want to go the pacemaker route, but I wonder if her life could have been better if someone had done something to increase her pulse, instead of giving her stronger and stronger bp medications.

Oh, I see. I may not be the best one to provide advice on this. I have a lot of patience for people who are helpless and don't have the ability to think clearly, but if they do and they just want to neglect their health on purpose and cause you problems......well that's different.

Your mom sounds a lot like my cousin. Dementia is not just memory problems. It's using poor judgment too. My cousin would refuse to use her cane, fall, fracture foot and then I would have to move in with her and take time from my job (I'm self employed) to provide her personal care and run her household. She DID NOT care that it was very inconvenient for me. EVEN SO, she still would refuse to use her cane and would walk on hilly and rough ground outside. She refused to see a doctor too. EVENTUALLY, she was diagnosed with dementia. So, I would keep an eye on your mom. It manifests itself in different ways. It could be in the works.

I would try to work on not stressing yourself out and feeling guilty. I was not brought up to feel guilty, unless I did something wrong. When I'm bending over backwards to help someone and they act like a jerk, then they are the ones who need to feel bad....NOT me. lol

I think you need to get inside her head. Something is not right. Don't allow her to blame you. That's absurd. I'm not sure what it is, but she's blaming you and saying you are disrespectful out of some defense mechanism. I wouldn't let her push my buttons. You have the upper hand. Figure out how and do what you think is right. Then have peace with it. A counselor might help.

I know I wouldn't expose my kids to the drama of a grandparent who is disrupting the home because she's bullheaded and reckless with her healthcare.

Sunnygirl1, thank u for the answer. I don't know why she's is the way she is. I don't think it's dementia. She has a problem with people making suggestions concerning her health and management of her life.....she sees it as someone "controlling her". She has always been like this due to a past trauma. Either way, she does not make good decisions on her health. Historically, she has always been like this. Butvim at my end. I'm crying with her telling her how hurt I am cause she cancelled another appointment that she NEEDS and her response was "you need to remember that I'm your mother not your child. You need to respect me, I don't want to deal with this, I'm not discussing this", etc. It's hard to hear

I wish I could.....but it's easier said than done.....when her BP skyrockets, her nose bleeds bad. She lives with me and my children. I can not sit and watch her suffer in front of my sons. I will always get her the immediate medical care she needs but I'm going to start not staying with her at the hospital. She responds better to my brothers cause they never deal with the crisis. I'll hope they sit with her in the hospital. But I still have the problem of dealing with the guilt. I'm very sensitive and unintentionally she pays on it. My biggest issue is her refusing PREVENTATIVE CARE and then tearing me down, calling me disrespectful accusing me of hurting her health for stressing that she keep her appointments. Its hard to cope.

Issues of self neglect by patients are tricky. As long as she is competent, she may chose to avoid medical care. That's her right, but you can chose how to deal with it. You might have a sit down meeting with her and your siblings. State the problem flat out and explain that she can no longer live with you if she refuses medical care, since it stresses you out and you want to relax in your own home and not worry about her fainting all the time. OR

You can just tell her your feelings and that she needs to find other housing and why. Tell her you want to retain your good relationship with her and having to hound her about her health problems is not working out. She can figure out where to move. AND

I might examine other areas of her life to see if she thinking clearly. Is something wrong with her judgment? Does she have dementia? You can get it when young. My cousin got it in her 60's and she refused to see a doctor too. If she has had a stroke or if her thinking is impaired, then you may consider moving forward with becoming her guardian if your can prove she's incompetent. I'd think twice, since it seems like a huge and trying job.

Has she appointed someone as her Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA?

Your mother is making bad decisions, but as long as she is competent - those are her decisions to make, including decisions that harm her health. That being said - you don't need to let these problems become YOURS. My advice - tough love. 1) do not nag her about her doctor appointments 2) your mom's next emergency - SHE calls 911 and gets to the hospital - not you 3) she takes care of herself in the emergency room - NOT YOU 4) STOP missing work - you need to take care of yourself & if you lose your job - both of you will be out of a home.

This might be bad advice, or advice you don't want to take - but what you are doing isn't working for you. Your mom is taking "responsibility" for herself - let her.

Be loving, but don't let her problems take over YOU.