it's hard to do everything yourself but what is preferred for me to do?

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hopelesslady Asked November 2015

it's hard to do everything yourself but what is preferred for me to do?

My Mom is incompetent. I offer to help clean her house but she says no it's hard on me because im taking care of both of parent's. I don't know where to turn half the time /my dad is in a wheel chair my mom takes meds for her sickness she refuses for me to do anything like giving my dad a bath I've been taking care of them for almost 7years there for a while I was doing it by myself my brother care's my dad places sometimes but I do cooking garbage helping fix things sometimes shopping making sure they have what they need doing dad's toe nails I would do more but she won't let me I'm there only daughter and 4 brothers when dad or mom get hurt I take them to the hospital it's hard to do everything yourself what would you prefer for me to do

Family Caregiver

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score 2 · Answer 1

Mom can't call the shots anymore.
Especially when she's wrong and not living in reality.

If dad needs a bath and help with the every day activities of dressing, toileting, tooth brushing, etc. you have to either get professional in-home care or look for a care facility for him.

I would say a care facility for the both of them.

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score 0 · Answer 2

7 years. Retire from this before it gets worse. Before you cannot regain your mental health.

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score 0 · Answer 3

You do sound a bit confused, and who wouldn't be. However, you are not hopeless. The times this happened to me were very brief, and did not last long because I got myself out of that situation in a hurry.
It is when you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, you are answerable to someone who is incompetent (or with alzheimers) and walking on eggshells trying to please. It is time to leave, you may be of more useful help from a distance.
With distance, others can discover what you already know without you telling them. Stay with a friend for now. Allow the others to step up. That feeling you are trying to numb down and fix can make anyone crazy. Detach with love.

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score 1 · Answer 4

You say your mom is incompetent. Can you explain why you say that? Has a court or doctor said she is that way or do you just think she is not able to handle her affairs and household? Is she exercising poor judgment regarding her health or finances? The reason I ask is that if she is truly incompetent, then the things you might do would be different than if she is just having ailments that make it hard to do her chores and care for her husband.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Turn to their family doctor for help. I am guessing you go with them to the MD office, so they know you and have clearance to talk to you. If mom or dad fall and get hurt, PLEASE do not pick them up! Call 911 and have the paramedics use the proper equipment and manpower to safely move them.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Have you tried just cleaning up without asking? One day just sweep the floors. Another day run the vacuum, etc. Don't ask for permission, just do it with as little fanfare as possible.

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it's hard to do everything yourself but what is preferred for me to do?

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