My Mother keeps insisting on moving out of assisted living. What can/should I do about it?

Come to think of it, I remember reading on the forums here that wanting to move out of assisted living or a nursing home is very common. A parent will whine, plead, pout, go on a hunger strike, act like they are dying unless they can move home or in with you.

Yet I remember a writer here saying her Mom was saying how unhappy she was at the nursing home, and on every visit it was high drama with the "take me home". Turns out the writer was going to the nursing home the same time every day, and one day she went at a different time of day and found her Mom in the common area with a group of other women enjoying herself. If I remember correctly, Mom was startled to see her daughter and was quite embarrassed. Oh the games our elders can play.

Ribbman you mention "in telephone conversations". Does she call you every day demanding to be cut loose and refusing to listen to reason?

Sunnygirl1, I'm not sure yet what the diagnosis/prognosis is going to be The growth needs a biopsy and then we take it from there. At 84, surgery seems little iffy, but her vitals are really pretty solid so I dunno. We'll know more next week.

Oh, yes. It could. I'm sorry to hear that. Is she a candidate for surgery? Keep us posted.

Sunnygirl1, it's a sad thing that further cognitive decline has positive aspects, but it's true. My mom has had some digestive problems, and a CT scan revealed a pretty large tumor on her pancreas, so that could change everything.

Oh, she stopped mentioning leaving after she went into Memory Care. It's secure so she can't leave, but I can't imagine having to deal with threats to leave long term. That would be challenging. I think that phase leaves with some patients.

I guess it's always safe to get the guardianship. I did fine with a DPOA.

My loved one may have initially asked about going home while in regular AL, but I knew that she couldn't really do it, because she didn't know the address anymore, she couldn't dial a phone anymore, she had no cash or checks to pay a cab-plus a cab company wouldn't have known where to take her, and there was no family member who would take her anywhere. She had no means to do move out.

What I tried to do was to listen to her requests and promise to put it all in writing so the doctors and therapists could review her tests and progress and then we would make all the plans. She would forget this conversation each day, so it usually seemed to placate her. I told her she was in charge, but we had to complete paperwork and follow the doctor's orders so her insurance would pay.

My uncontested guardianship proceeding in MN cost $4,000 after all the attorney fees and court costs. The point is to be aware that this should be a tactic of last resort. There are a whole other world of legal rules that begin to apply to what & how you can do things once you are a court appointed guardian/conservator. Things like property sales become very difficult. Things are a lot easier to accomplish as a POA. The rules vary by state, so do your homework before leaping into that boat.

My tip to you is to get used to hearing the delusional statements and demands. Let it go in one ear & out the other. You don't need to take them seriously. This is a new behavior to learn as a caregiver and it does feel weird. It seems like one day mom is a credible adult source of good information in your life, and the next she is not. It takes purposeful work on our part to shift into a different mode of interacting.

Ribbman, you control her finances as POA. She could fire you, of course -- is she competent enough to think of that and follow through on it? And even if she had you out of the financial picture could she find housing and negotiate the move herself?

It doesn't sound to me like this is a real threat. It is a complaint and wishful thinking. She will be less able to act on these kinds of fantasies as time goes on. If you were her guardian you could prevent her from moving. But it doesn't seem to me that is a realistic possibility anyway. And I don't think that having guardianship would make it any more pleasant for you to hear this assertion over and over.

Mom has a delusion -- "I can live on my own." And like any delusion she is not going to be reasoned out of it with logic. Placate her and try to redirect her. "OK, Mom, I'll look into what it would take to get out of your contract here. By the way, I saw a big sign for the holiday party next week. Shall we pick out what you are going to wear? "

You should file for Guardianship. If you win, the court fees are paid from her funds. We had to go that route when mom insisted she was going home. In NY it cost about $2500 for uncontested guardian proceedings.

Pamstegma, I am her POA but not guardian. I might need to start those proceedings.

Ribbman, if you are her court-appointed Guardian, she can't go anywhere unless you agree to it. Just be sure the facility has a copy of your court order. Nor can a Guardian just walk away; they have to submit a resignation to the court that appointed them.

cwillie, thanks for the advice. You're right of course. I should probably have posted in the Whine thread. I just get tired of hearing it.

Yesterday, Mom phoned me because she had a diarrhea accident with poop running down her legs and she had pressed her FOB and was having a break down because they had not come fast enough to help her clean up. Although she is fully ambulatory and had just been out with a friend shopping at Target and walking with her cane, she was standing there unable to figure out anything at all about the mess in her panties. She can't even get her pants down to take away and clean up an occasional soiled diaper, yet every time she talks to me its about "I have so many abilities and I should be in an independent luxury apartment" or "back in my condo". Inability to have insight even with experiences like these is part of her cognitive impairment. I have begun the phase of telling her why not today, or we should look at that again in the spring, or other endless excuses she can settle with for today. I know she can't be without 24hr help available if needed, and we could not afford that at home nor could we ever get her to keep staff in there or accept staff in her home like that (we tried, went through 17 caregivers in 2 months through an agency).

Unless she still is able to contact an independent living place, sign a lease, make the payments and arrange to move (or has an accomplice who would do those things for her) it is all just a lot of hot air. You will need to figure out a way to change the subject or grow a thicker skin, I don't expect she will listen to reason.

Sendme2help, while she was in Independent Living, she had 3 ER visits for falls, for (1) broken tailbone (2) broken ribs, and (3) a concussion. Plus one for a TIA. Then her blood pressure went through the roof because she wasn't taking her meds right. I hired home health aides to help her, and she fired them as fast as i hired them. I arranged for grocery deliveries, and she terminated that. To say she is uncooperative would be an insult to uncooperative people everywhere.

Can she move to independent living and have an aide/housekeeper?

But.

Are you saying she just gripes about moving but is unable to follow through on her own? How far are you from her?

Find out why she is so unhappy there. My elderly friend never complained, bug when her family did move her, she said she was happier at independent living because at AL, people were always dying.

Freqflyer, that sounds very difficult. With him still as her legal guardian, it seems like you could simply walk away.

Thanks for the responses! Windyridge, yes, she does have dementia which I think is about to slip out of the mild into the moderate range. She really doesn't have the wherewithal to do much more than talk about it, as I control her finances. That would be very difficult to do, as I'm the only family in the region.

Is this dementia affecting her judgement? I used to have bad fights with my Dad until I realized he had dementia. It's still very hard to not get mad at him. He won't doing anything that makes sense.

Walking away? That's tough, but if it's wrecking your life cut her loose. If you are her POA I would think you would want to settle her affairs as much as possible before you get out of her life.

I hope we can walk away without any obligation.

I am dealing with that with my Dad who wants to bring my Mom home from long-term-care. He thinks he can help her walk upstairs to go to bed... in denial that my Mom is now bedridden. There is a point where I just want to throw my hands into the air and say "go for it" but you are on your own. Oh, my parents are in their 90's.