Inlaws (90s), living alone, dealing with cancer, chemo, and knee replacement - and absolutely refusing any help. Advice?

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CharlotteAnn Asked December 2015

Inlaws (90s), living alone, dealing with cancer, chemo, and knee replacement - and absolutely refusing any help. Advice?

We live on Alabama, they live in Louisiana. Over the last year his mother has had ovarian cancer, chemo and now a knee replacement gone bad. Father in law is in way over his head, trying to control every little bit of everything, heading for a heart attack himself. They won't follow doctors orders, don't follow through with treatments, blame everyone else for problems. They have finally got a woman coming in twice a week for a couple hours - but other than that they refuse any help, refuse to listen to anyone about anything. We are "allowed" to come visit when invited. Yikes!! My husband is at the end of his rope, and finally lost it this trip. Huge blow up between him and his dad...then everyone calmed down. It is such a disaster. We're not sure we will be "invited" again. Other than this lovely visit, and the fact that I made my Mom, who has dementia, cry on Wednesday before we left....it's been SUCH a good week!! :)

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score 1 · Answer 1

cwillie is absolutely right. Even at your in-laws age and the condition they're in, unless to gain guardianship it sounds like all you'll be able to do is pick up the pieces when it all goes to sh*t. I might as well as been beating my head against the proverbial brick wall as try to get my mother to listen to me. I've warned her and warned her, coddled, tough love, reasoned(hahahHa) described consequences, offered alternatives - you name it, I tried it. The one thing I have learned is the harder I push, the harder she pushes back - if I said "mom, don't step out in the road, you'll be hit by a car." I can guarantee you what she'd do! So all I can do is wait for it to play out and then clean up the mess. I hate this route as its 100x more work and stress for me but she's never going to change. Your in-laws probably aren't going to either.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Thanks cwillie, Kimber166, freqflyer - I appreciate the feedback and support. I deal with my Mom at home every day - and although it is tough, I do have some sort of control and I know she is taken care of. The inlaws are different. They are far away and it is so frustrating. We keep telling ourselves that the only thing we can do is be prepared for when the bottom falls out - because it will. But it is so hard to watch them do the things they are doing. Dementia is definitely an issue - not as bad as my Mom, but ultimately more scary because they are on their own. It's particularly hard on my husband. He is a fixer and he can't fix this. He just has to wait, which isn't easy. We'll hang in there, it's all we can do.

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score 2 · Answer 3

CharlotteAnn, I always thought with my parents who were also in their 90's that they were hanging onto every micro inch of independence they could get. And I thought they were doing well at their age living in that big house and managing.

Well, after a major rises it turned out they really weren't managing. It was an ah ha moment pointed out by another writer on the forums. My parents stubbornness and refusal to do things wasn't being clear headed thinking but the start of dementia. I just didn't see it.

Plus I was enabling my parents to continue to stay in that house, heck why should they leave, they had me doing many things.... life was easy, for them... not for me. I finally had to step back and take a hard look, and started cutting back on doing things.

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score 1 · Answer 4

CharlotteAnn - this is very hard for you and your husband. As long as your in-laws are competent - they can make their own decisions - even if bad ones. Stay loving. Stay encouraging for help - gently - it sounds like they are in bunker mentality - "if they just hunker down - it will blow over" and not facing the reality of aging and illness and needing help. You cannot force them to change their thinking. What will likely happen is that some medical or other crisis will arise and things will be forced then - and then they are really going to need loving, caring children to help them navigate what life looks like then. I feel for you!

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score 1 · Answer 5

Its a heartbreak when members of our family behave in self destructive ways. It doesn't matter if they are 18 or 88, our begging and reasoned arguments can't make them change until they are ready to admit they need help, all you can do is be ready to pick up the pieces when they finally hit bottom.
You might want to investigate all your options for assistive living, nursing homes, hospice, homecare, even funeral arrangements etc and keep the info on file so you are prepared for every eventuality.

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Inlaws (90s), living alone, dealing with cancer, chemo, and knee replacement - and absolutely refusing any help. Advice?

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