Is anybody else dealing with a parent who refuses to help themselves or improve their situation and expects you to do it all for them?

Have you been going over to her house to clean and cook and take care of things for your mom? If so, this might be why she expects you to continue doing it. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. No one is making you do it. I understand the guilt and it's a manipulative tool you're mom is using.

If she wants to remain in her own home while her health slowly declines then she's going to have to make some sacrifices such as in home care. You and your family can't be at her beck and call everyday when you have your own lives to lead.

This is not to say that you should cut off contact with your mom but set boundaries for yourself. I say "yourself" because your mom isn't likely to recognize boundaries anymore. Set boundaries for yourself such as you'll only go over to her house 2 days a week for 2 hours at a time, or whatever you think is reasonable based on the situation.

Only you can take care of yourself. You can't expect your mom to know or even care what you have going on in your life.

Kodi - I just want to say I sympathize. When my mother started having mobility and balance problems, her solution was to get other people to do things for her rather than seeking solutions that would allow her to remain independent. No, she wouldn't exercise. She also wouldn't attend doctor-prescribed balance therapy because she didn't want to make the copayments. She expected me to come over every night to walk her dog and take out her trash. She could have done this using her power chair/scooter but it was hard for her to maneuver that from the back room and she wouldn't leave it near the front door because it "looked gauche."

Unfortunately, I was the only sibling living near my mother at the time and I couldn't get my sisters to back me up in trying to get my mother to take more responsibility for herself. They refused to get involved unless they were forced to. It took me a long time to really stand up to her and draw the line at what I would and wouldn't do, and by that time she was so disabled she really couldn't do much of anything for herself.

At this point I'm just resigned to the situation. I could not affect the trajectory of my mother's old age, but I can still decide what I will and won't do.

Bottom line is, I understand the panic when you see the writing on the wall and realize your parent's full-blown disability is getting ready to totally swamp you and overrun your life. But there's probably nothing you can do to get them to take more responsibility for themselves except to take less responsibility for them. I wish I had fully realized this a lot sooner.

Kodi - I'm wondering if part of what's going on with you and your mom is similar to what I now recognize as a part of my problem in dealing with my mom. It has to do with your son who has autism. My son - my only child has sever autism. My baby is now 22 years old but functions at a two yr old level - he is completely nonverbal and although it took years and years of work he is finally "trip trained" when it comes to bathrooming but he still wears Depends as accidents are somewhat common. From age 18 months to 5 yrs old I was a single mom. When my son was 8 I had to quit a job I loved to be a stay at home mom because I couldn't keep after school care. For the first few years raising my son alone I pretty much was overwhelmed and didn't know what I was doing. I accepted mediocre services and believed it when the school district said "we can't do that" or "that isn't available". The same was true with social services and the Department of Disabilities. Then I got involved with a support group consisting of the strongest women I have ever know - they took me under their wings and taught me the ropes. I became Autism Super Mom. I learned how to advocate for my son as well as how to address and fix an array of problems and behaviors. Here's where I get to my point: when my parents started to decline I took the same approach with them - and it worked for quite a while. Then a while back my mom slipped into full blown dementia. I was completely out of my depth but didn't realize it. For months I beat my head against the wall trying to fix things, trying to reason with my mother - trying to be Dementia Super Daughter. I nearly drove myself into a complete break- down. Being the person who could fix things had become so much a part of my identity that I couldn't accept that this was not the same as helping my son. Then I fell into a support group of incrediably strong women and men (here) and it opened my eyes. My mom was an independent legal adult - I couldn't make her do anything and as hard as I tried I sure as hell couldn't change her behavior or fix her. Driving myself to near breakdown wasn't helping her but it was hurting me, my son and my husband. So my advice to you? Do what you want to do to help. Do what you can do without negative consequences for you and your family. Don't feel guilty for putting your own family first - you will experience even more guilt down the road for every lost moment with your husband and sons - you can't get any of that time back. Help your mom in finding help - by way of assisted living or in home health care. Mom doesn't want anyone in her house? Tell her that's what it will take for her to stay in her home - then leave it to her. Once she knows she won't have you to do things she may very well change her thinking on that.

When my grandma broke her hip in 1964 (she was 80) and the doctors suggested rehab, she said " oh, I'll be an invalid. My daughters will wait on me". My mom said " the h/ll we will" ( my mom and her older sister are/were both nice obedient Catholic girls. But this was a bridge too far. My aunt had three kids and was the main breadwinner in her family; my mom had three of us, including an infant. The invalid act wasn't going to happen).

Grandma went to rehab and learned to walk with a walker (kept saying " i can't believe you sent me here") and returned to her Bronx apartment. But I learned an important lesson; just because your elderly parent wants it or thinks it's her due, doesn't mean you have to agree.

Kodi, have your mom's cognitive abilities ever been evaluated? I'm seeing with various relatives with various sorts of dementia, the thing that "goes" is executive functioning, part of which is the ability to see the consequences of one's actions.

Nope, don't do it. It's so super easy to be waited on hand and foot especially when it's free. I suggest you and your family take a "vacation" for a few weeks ... if you can't afford it and need to go to work every day go to a motel some way away, go no contact and let her get on with it. She'll either sink or swim but in any event it's her choice, not yours. Bottom line: you cannot protect someone from themselves.

You say that your mother refused to take pain medication that might have helped her. I know that some pain medications can have negative side effects. And they can require you to take more and more of them over time. Does she take any other medications to treat her condition?

Has her doctor recommended a hip replacement as you reference in your post above? I might see if she would agree to consult with him about it and the physical therapy it might entail. People who have physical disabilities do have their limitations and a 70 year old might not be as spry as an 80 year old who is not disabled with arthritis. I don't know that I would compare her to others. Pain can make you act in unusual ways. I know people who have arthritis and it is very painful, even if you do take medications.

You sound like you have your hands full with working and caring for your family. I would think your mom would understand that all the help she needs will have to be done by someone else. There's no shame in bringing in other care providers. I would never expect a person with all you have on your plate to care for me, clean my house, shop, etc. No way. I would tell you to take care of your home and that I would hire help. If she can't afford to hire help, then look into what resources she may qualify for. Is she on Medicaid? Some states provide assisted living for those who are deemed medically in need of it and who meet the income/asset requirements.

I would also confirm the cause of your mom giving up so much in her daily activity. It could be depression or dementia. (Would she take meds for depression?) I know of people who stop doing things for themselves and it seems confusing. As it turns out, they had forgotten how to do things, like writing a check, driving, cooking, etc. They don't even realize what is going on. I'd make sure the reason she is not staying mobile.

I wouldn't play the guilt game. That's for people who do wrong. You are trying to do the right thing. I'd set the boundaries and have peace with it.

Becky, it is very important that you tell the hospital discharge coordinator that you are NOT picking her up or doing the 24/7 care. I can tell you right now that she is lying to them and telling them family will care for her. Talk to the discharge coordinator and the social worker. Make sure they have the correct information.

Thank you all for your understanding answers. The frustrating part is that her physical condition was avoidable or at least "delayable" by her just putting some effort into remaining active and asking her dr. for assistance and suggestions for pain mangement until she could regain mobility. She is now concerned she will have to have a hip replacement, but i don't even know if they will do one because she barely walks now! She won't even walk to the end of her diveway to get her own mail! I am afraid with her weight as it is and her lack of ANY real exercise her heart will give out. She certainly isn't doing anything to provide any exercise for that muscle either. She tells me all the time that she is an "old woman" and can't do things anymore, but I work for a couple in their late 80's and early 90's who run CIRCLES around my mother. I also have an Aunt who is two years older than my mother who has a heart condition and is still prancing around in two inch heels and living her life to the fullest, a father-in-law who is in his 80's and is still active and travels from state to state to visit family, etc., etc., etc. I am torn between feeling guilt over not wanting to wait on her and anger for her expecting me to when this was all due to her apathy and not an actual debilitating condition. I appreciate all the support. It is just SO frustrating watching somebody let themselves deteriorate. I think my mother just assumes that because I live a mile down the road that we are here to take care of her. My older son already does her yard work and my husband fixes anything that needs repair. She does not have to rely on others for outside help yet, but now is talking about me coming to clean her house and do her laundry. At this point, that is the ONLY exercise she gets besides her once a week trip to the grocery store that she is already hinting at as getting to be too difficult for her to do. I am afraid if I were to help her in this capacity that she would NEVER get out of her chair.

Newby here - I Googled support groups for children of aging parents and found this. I am amazed at the similarities. My mom is in the hospital today - had her 2nd hip replacement (both hips replaced within 18 months). She lives at home, but her house is dirty. She drops stuff and can't/won't pick it up, etc. She's incontinent and uses lots of pads, but the floor around her toilet is bad.
After her first hip replacement, she went to rehab, but checked herself out after a few days over the advice of the PT's. She's lived the last 18 months in her lift recliner. She depends on her children and grandchildren to come over to take her trash out, clean her house, get her mail, get groceries. She'll leave the house for hair and doctor appointments.
So, back to today and why I'm here - she called me from the hospital this morning. She'll be discharged tomorrow and wants to go home (not to rehab). She says after her PT this morning, she's back to where she was before the surgery, but without pain. She wants someone to come in (paid professional) during the day and either my brother or me to spend the night with her for a few nights. I told her I don't feel comfortable with that. We left it that I'd call her back later today. I think she was shocked at my push-back.
My guess is that she doesn't want to go from the hospital to rehab, but directly to home and this is her work-around. I'm going to her room after work and ask her if she's really willing to settle for her very limited mobility (albeit pain-free) that she'll have now if she doesn't do the rehab and the exercises (like she didn't do after the last one).
My brother and I (and our spouses) are at that point where we're not willing to do anymore for her than we are now. She'll have to decide whether she's willing to live in squalor going forward, hire someone in, move to an assisted living apartment or step up her game and push herself to do more for herself.
At any rate, I apologize that I don't have any advice for the original poster, but I hear what you're saying. My plan is to determine what I'm willing to do, let her know that and stick to my guns. I'm married, work full-time, have a part-time business, a child in college and a child in her last year of high school.