How do I get Mom to allow the workers in her assisted living facility to help her?

Catbalou8, I can really relate to your situation. Yep, my mom is an absolute control freak perfectionist. And yes, it really is anxiety-producing for which I've found no total cure. Stepping back from her does give me some relief. I've also learned to recognize that what she views as a crisis (housekeeper forgot to put her knick knacks back in the exact spot she likes them, for example) is not an immediate call to action on my part. Unless it's something dangerous or life threatening, it can wait until my next visit. I like your strategy of telling her to calm down. It's also good that she likes her new place. My mother complains daily about how much she hates her place. Of course the last AL she lived in she did the same thing. Now she views the last place as nothing but sunshine and roses. I've come to realize she just lives to complain and it has nothing whatsoever to do with me and what I do or not do. You sound like a strong and good person. Feel free to vent here anytime. It really does help. :)

Catbalou8,
I'm not sure what type of setup your mom has with her Assisted Living, but the ones that I am familiar with have staff very much involved with the resident on a daily basis. All of the ones that I know in NC have staff enter the room in the morning and help the resident dress. They also make the bed for the resident and escort them or inform them that breakfast is ready in the dining room. Staff also gives them their meds and checks vitals throughout the day. They also come by the rooms at activity time to remind everyone of it. They return at lunch and dinner and also go to each room for snacks twice a day. They go to their rooms at night and get them dressed for bed as well.

I would see how often the staff is interacting with her. Maybe she needs more support from them.

Also, upthread you say that your mom misplaces things a lot. Do you think she may have dementia too? If so, she may forget what you ask her regarding not calling you for everything. When the memory fails, they just don't recall things anymore. If constant calling becomes too much, I would discuss having her call a number where she can leave a message. Then you call her when you can. Of course, the facility would have an actual number where they could reach you in case of Emergency.

I'm glad the place is working out for her.

kwyattearp: Oh yes, I have reminded mom that she is paying a hefty monthly "rent" and included in that is help with anything she needs from the staff. She enjoys having people at her beck and call (my husband calls her "The Queen"...not to her face, of course. LOL), so hopefully she'll come around and accept their help.

Oh windytown, this is exactly what I'm going through. My mom is a narcissist and always has been. Even when we kids were young, if she wanted something done, she demanded and didn't ask politely. If it wasn't done right away and perfectly, she'd have a hissy fit. She can go from 0 to 60 in a second, and it's worse now that she's in her 90s. I can't count the number of times she's freaked out over very minor things and I have to tell her to calm down, take a deep breath and then talk to me. The last time she did this I told her that the next time she's in a panic for a non-emergency, I will ask her to hang up, calm down and call me back when she can speak to me calmly. I've struggled with anxiety for years (mostly due to her behavior), so now that she's in assisted living I'll need to hang tough and let others help her. I love her, but she is so challenging. The good news is, she really does like her new home. That, at least, is a blessing.

My mom has been in assisted living 4 1/2 years. I used to visit her every other day but about a year ago stepped back to Wednesdays and Sundays because it was having an impact on my health. She still saves up all the things her caregivers could easily do, for me. Case in point is washing her eyeglasses. She trusts no one to do a 'good enough' job except for me. I still call her everyday and yesterday I was yelled at because 'I' forgot to wash her glasses on Wednesday. I told her (for the hundredth time) that if she refuses to let anyone there wash them that it's up to her to remember. Nope. It's still my fault.

I know it's a control issue on her part. Thankfully for my own health I've learned to say no to her demands when it's something that could be easily taken care of by one of her CNA's. No more 20 mile round trips for five minutes of nonsense. And no guilt about it anymore either. If she's going to be that stubborn it is her problem, not mine.

I know this isn't very helpful in answering your question. I just don't want you to waste years like I did in caving to every little demand. If she doesn't adjust after three months or so, step back and see what happens if you don't fulfill every request. Hopefully she will change. If she's a narcissist like my mother, I wish you strength and courage.

Catbalou8, your Mom needs time to adjust to her new surroundings and with having issues with her eyesight it will take her more time.

This week I moved my Dad into Independent Living so he is totally lost at what is in his new apartment and what is still remaining back at home. So I can understand what your Mom is going through. My Dad was the same as your Mom, he wanted to move out of his house into something much safer. He is so happy where he is :)

For your Mom, ask the facility if someone could drop in on your Mom everyday to ask if she needs any help with anything. Eventually she might say yes :)

My mom entered assisted living on 1/6 and is still calling me to tell me that everything is wrong, she had misplaced her phone (the one she's calling me from), and that she does not want to bother the caregivers because they will not like her if she calls them. It is getting a little better each day as I keep reminding her that while I don't mind being helpful, the full value of what is being paid for is not being received if she does not call and allow the caregivers to help her. Her generation is so frugal. " Getting the full value of the paid for service" might be a helpful point for you to place into the conversations as well.

I'm impressed that she saw she needed help and got it. That's huge, IMO. Maybe, she is afraid that if she relies too much on the AL staff, she will lose some of the contact she has with you. I don't know your schedule, but what if you scheduled a time to talk each day and a time to visit each week? Do you think that would reassure her that you are still going to be there and in contact with her? So, if she knows that you will always talk on the phone with er at 7:00 p.m., perhaps she won't need a reason to call you at 4:00.

You could also get the name and number of the people she should be relying on and when she calls you, you call them and ask them to handle it. Eventually, your mom will see that they can handle it.

I would give it at least a few weeks to see if things pan out.

I think it's understandable that she'd rely on you, especially since she has compromised vision. It will take sometime for her to just get used to her surroundings, let alone rely on the staff.

Next time you go over when she requests help, get one of the staff involved, make the introductions, chat a bit so Mom can get to know the person and feel more comfortable calling her, or someone else the next time she needs help.