How does one handle the guilt and grief?

I am so sorry for your loss number 1 and most importantly. We are not in control of when, how or who dies when. I have said this many times before on this site.....guilt implies you have done something wrong to hurt someone ON purpose. You did not. You did the very best you could at the time your mom needed you. I used to feel guilty about leaving my mother in law in the hospital alone the night she died. She asked if we could stay with her and my husband and I both told her we would be back early the next morning (had been 3 0r 4 long days in the hospital and we were beat. We got a call at 2 in the morning that she had passed. I think she knew something we didn't. It was her time and I know we did everything we could to make her happy and keep her healthy. Her husband and my FIL was on hospice and the family had kept vigil for days waiting for his passing. We had a mtg. with the director of facility where they both lived and when we went downstairs to the office that's when he passed. I also believe that he didn't want us there. We had said our goodbyes and he was ready to go but didn't want to go until we were all gone. We all take on these responsibilities and take them seriously where we cut ourselves off from friends, church, social and other activities. Now I'm dealing with my parents. One with dementia the other 93 and fairly "ok". I am the only one to take this on. Husband is supportive and does what he can when he can. I know a lot of you out there don't have that but it still all falls on me. My dad depends on me like a 4 year old. Fought in WWII but is like a child sometimes. Confused, can't hear and just plain tired. I think he is hanging on for my mom. Ok, I'm rambling now.....my point is this....as said before, give yourself time to grieve the loss but not the guilt. It was her time to go. When you are ready to get back out there you will know it. Find those things that you used to like to do and it will be YOUR time. Your mom would want that for you. She wouldn't want you to sit around and not have a life of your own (although I know some of you have that in your lives and I'm so sorry). If all else fails you might want to go to a support group for loss or get some one on one time therapy. They can direct you in getting stronger. Anyway, good luck to you and God Bless.

Betty, you were able to get care for her when she needed it, and in order to continue to do so you needed to take some rest yourself. This wasn't social time; it was well needed respite and recovery time for you so you could continue to provide support as needed. Imagine what could have happened had you not taken this time, become fatigued on the road, had an accident, or worse.

You did what was responsible - rest for yourself in anticipation of providing further support and assistance. Take comfort though that you did get help when it was needed.

I am sorry for your loss, but think of the good times, the legacy she left for you, how you would want to honor her, and integrate those good memories into your plans for moving forward. Think of how she enhanced your life, the lessons you learned from her, and how you can adapt those to your own life.

And give yourself as much time as you need to grieve.

Betty, According to my doctor, the type of situation you describe happens all the time. My doctor says that families try to arrange the situation so that they will be there when the loved one passes, but in the end it is the "Man Upstairs" (my doctor's words) who will decide. My mother died when I was not there. I felt guilt for several days, but it did eventually pass. My condolences to you, and please give yourself time to heal. The guilt will pass, and it doesn't reflect on the reality that you did a wonderful job being there for your mother for those ten years. Pat yourself on the back for that!

Dear Betty,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

Try to give yourself some time to grieve. Yes, you have to move on but maybe you don't have to move on today. It's a process that will develop over time.

My dad was on hospice in a nursing home. I skipped seeing him one evening because I was exhausted. I called the nursing home later that night and they informed me that he had just died. Had I gone to see him I would have been with him when he died. It crossed my mind that he waited until I wasn't there but I'll never know. And once the numbness began to wear off I expected to feel overwhelming guilt but I never did. There was no way I could have known he was going to die that night. I was busy with my own life as well as overseeing his care and I did nothing wrong by not going to see him that one night.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

As for moving on maybe you can reach out to one of your friends that you lost touch with and go to lunch. See a movie. Do some of the things you weren't able to do when you were caring for your mom. But most importantly give yourself time to go through this. And always know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I was moving heaven and earth to make sure my father could pass at home with at least me and hopefully my mother with him. On the one single day in two months I couldn't go sit with him my mother had the hospice nurse arrange to have him taken to a hospice center for a five day respite - for her. This is sadly laughable because my mother did next to nothing to care for daddy. I had an in home care giver 18 hours a day, I was in the process of making it 24 hours plus I was there all day and into the evening to prepare and give pain meds the care giver wasn't certified to handle. Mom had six hours in the night during which daddy slept - in addition mom was in a oxycodone self overmedicated fog all the time - not from dads condition - this started much earlier. Anyhow at the time mom sent daddy to hospice we had been told two weeks tops. I saw daddy everyday reassuring him he would be home soon - he hated it there. On the third night I got the call at 11:20pm daddy had died - 45 minutes before his 85th birthday. I was going to take him a cake...I was broken hearted that daddy died alone in a strange place. Lately though - I've been thinking - knowing dad he didn't want to put my mother and me through having him pass in our presence - and the long lasting memory that would be. So being the man he always was - looking after my mom and me, putting our needs before his own - daddy decided to go when he did. It would be so like him!
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's tough and it hurts for a long time but it changes after some time and becomes easier to bear.

Betty, some elders will wait until the family leaves the room before passing. So don't beat yourself up that you weren't there.

My Mom passed after a fall caused serious complications and she was in a nursing home for 3 months. She also was getting "better" and out of the blue she went into a coma like state, and passed a couple days later.

For me, knowing my Mom was 98 years old and had lived a wonderful life, it was her time to go. Her quality of life had been slipping over the last couple of years.