My husband and I take care of his mother. Who is responsible for paying for her respite care?

Wanda, is he worried about the legalities of it, or does it just 'not seem right' to him? If it's the actual correct procedures, you should be able to find guidelines on line about 'how to manage your elder's finances' or similar - print them off and show them to him. Any one of them will explain that it is perfectly correct and proper to use your MIL's money to pay for your MIL's care.

If it's the 'not feeling right', that's trickier. Does he feel guilty about leaving her to someone else's care, maybe, too? In that case, once you've shown him the black and white answers, you'll have to change tack and focus on how important it is for you two to get proper rest so that you can continue to look after MIL. Best of luck, hope you see some progress soon.

Actually, the county pays for her daycare through the Office of Aging, I believe. She pays us $323/month towards food, utilities etc. This was all done through an elder care lawyer. I would have no problem of her not paying this amount or any portion of it while we would take a vacation, but my husband does not want her to have to pay anything for her care if we go away. He does not understand that this is something she should be responsible for. I am going to recommend he talk with the elder care lawyer about it. She is not capable of being by herself for any length of time and I feel that she would have to be in a nursing facility if we go away. Someone would have to come to our home to stay with her. Her mental state would cause all sorts of problems if she had to stay by herself for too terribly long. I do not trust her to use the stove when no one is here either.

HI Wanda, Who pays for the Adult day care? Does she contribute to your household expenses? I am a firm believer that adults don't live in other adult's homes without contributing. She has income, so she should pay towards your household expenses -- according to her ability. So posit it like this to hubby --- 'dear, we need some together time' And we need to renew ourselves so we can do the best for your Mom. Instead of paying for day care for the two weeks we are away and instead of her contributing to our household, she will be paying $__ for her vacation. Respite care provides helpers and typically entertainment. We will all be renewed. If MIL objects (last minute or at all) be prepared to place her in a nursing home. "it's either this for 2 weeks or you can live ina nursing home but hubby and I need a vacation and so do you.

I hope you can get this worked out. Best of luck to you.

Amazingly, my husband is the one who does most of the caregiving but he works nights so I am the one at home with her in the evenings. She does go to adult daycare four days a week. My real issues is that every time we sit down for a meal she does constant moaning and I have health issues which are digestive. This moaning is not good for me when trying to eat. I know my husband needs a break and I know that I definitely need one too. As for the mil, she can be somewhat manipulative when she does not want to do something. We had made arrangements once for her to stay with a former neighbor of her's so we could go away for a weekend. When it came time for her to go to the former neighbor, she decided she wasn't going and thus we did not get our weekend away. There is another son who could help take care of her, but he has basically washed his hands of her. The mil has been with us for about 10 months now and this son has not once called or stopped by to see her. Mil has mental issues, but has not been accepted into skilled nursing, only assisted living. She cannot afford this, but could afford to pay for a one or two week stay every so often in a facility. I appreciate all of your answers on this, but convincing my husband that it is her responsibility is the real problem. I will definitely share these comments with him at some point in time. Thank you and would still appreciate any more thoughts.

Also Wanda there is a recent thread on this topic by deanofinsetti that has over 80 posts. Lots of good info & opinions from various perspectives on having a parent pay for caregiving and contribute to the household they moved into.

Although I'd personally take Pams approach to let hubs/MIL sort it and take my own vacation, this may not be feasible if Wanda is not self sufficient financially & his mom is a manipulating clever old battle axe.

Book your flight. Go on vacation alone if you have to. Let them sort out who pays as long as it is not coming out of your paycheck.

Mil needs caregivers, it's her need & her expense. She has the income to pay for this, whether it's paid to you or to an in-home health agency or to an AL fir a week or 2 of living there for respite stay.

Your hubs (& his mother) are being unreasonable in their approach that the caregiving and support that your household provides should be for free to MIL. The issue isn't just that you want a vacation & your own time away with your hubs, but a much bigger issue of how to equitably provide caregiving and taking your concerns and feelings in this to be considered.

You know hubs & his mom best.....are they old-school in which the daughter in law is subservient to mil and he rules by being the male head of house? Or it is more that he - now that mom lives with you all - has gone back to moms in charge as it was when he was a kid? If there are siblings, where are they.....if they exist and avoid mom like the plague, that should be telling you something. Are you self sufficient financially or are you dependent on his income? Do you & hubs work outside of the home? Do you have kids & grandkids?

MILs money should be used for her care. It should be well accounted for. Some folks set up funds so parents can pay for children care while living with children. Hubby should think about this seriously. His mom lives with you, my guess is you do a lot of caregiving, and you want a lousy week vacation? That ain't asking for too much. Mom should pay. Period.