How do I get my spouse to move to the next step and put his Mother to a nursing home?

I know that a lot of people resist putting a loved one in a nursing home, for a lot of reasons. There are all kinds of posts here on that subject.

My mother lived in my sister's home for a little over a year. Sis had just retired and her husband is a very supportive guy. This was Mom's "transition" period, or her "Assisted Living" period. Mom's dementia got worse, and so did her arthritis pain level and her mobility diminished. When Sis decided it was getting beyond what she could handle the rest of us immediately found a nursing home we thought would be suitable.

No offense to my sister. She and her husband did a fabulous job and the rest of us are grateful to her. But looking at it almost two years later, Mom is clearly better off where there are three shifts of trained caregivers. No one is helping her all day after being up several times in the night helping her. She doesn't have to get on layers of winter clothes and painfully get into a car to get her hair done. Each week she has dozens of activities to choose from. She doesn't have to sign up or buy a ticket in advance and it isn't a big deal if she has to skip a few because she's not up to it that day. After fighting all of her daughters about showering/bathing for more than a year, she goes off very cooperatively when the aide tells her it is her shower time.

In fact, after the first month she was there my sisters and I looked at each other and asked, "Who is this woman and what did they do with our mother?!" She must have forgotten that she's never liked doing crafts in her life! And that she didn't like socializing "with a bunch of busy-bodies."

She is not in deluxe accommodations. This isn't a 4-star resort. (Some of them are.) She is more confused as the dementia continues to progress. But she is more active than she's been in years, and she is content.

People who declare that they absolutely cannot consider placing their loved one in a nursing home are saying, in my view, "I don't care about providing the best care for my loved one, I just want to do what I've decided to do."

I don't know who might be able to convince your husband of this, but his present attitude is not only not best for you, it may very well not be best for MIL either.

Very sound advice. Husband is unwilling to put mom in nursing home. He may try the caretaker on my 2 days of care, but angry at $ cost. This weekend, change is coming. I am very glad I found this forum. I have renewed hope.

Blonde, time to tell [don't suggest but tell] hubby that his Mom needs a higher level of care than you and him cannot supply on your own. And tell him [again don't suggest] that you will start looking around for professional Caregivers. Get the cost and let him know the amount. And will he be paying the fee or will his Mom be paying the fee?

Then check around the cost of assisted living/nursing homes in your area. Once you get that information see which will be the lesser cost.... money usually gets someone's attention.

It got my Dad's attention when I was giving him the professional Caregiver's bill for 24-hour care vs the cost of moving to Independent Living and have the Caregivers still come in but less hours. He quickly chose the Independent Living route, and he is so happy he did :)

I quit caretaking for MIL!
Had major discussion with hubby over MIL. He broke down and admitted he can't do the full-time caretaking any longer. He is not himself and lost. He does not want to baby step into the change...all or nothing. He will give MIL two options: we move out, caretaker moves in or NH. If MIL goes to NH, she will be so angry she will not allow us to stay in her home any longer. We remodeled the little home with our $ for us all to live in. 8 months here, her rules, and weekly excessive anger between mom and son. Two eve ago, I began calling 911--Adult Protective Services due to their anger. I can't live in this environment.
Our 21 yr marriage...hubby is ashamed of the damage. He wants "us" forever. I shared this website with him...he is overwhelmed with the reachout.
I am forever grateful for the time you all have taken out of your lives to offer your responses. I am very touched. I hope sharing our circumstances will help others.
I am going to get my life back!

"Mom, we can't do this anymore; you need more care than we are able to safely give you. We are not trying to abandon you, we will be your advocates and your loving family until the end of time. But just as you sent me to school to get an education from professional teachers, we need for you to get professional care for your physical issues now in your old age".

Amen, Jeanne. I think what lots of folks don't get or dont care to pay attention to is that, in a NH, your parent is getting professionally trained and supervised help. I am constantly amazed by the fact that things we st rg uggled with ( swallowing, constantly spiking BP, panicky crying jags) are all easily managed in the nh. We beat ourselves up for far too long trying to keep mom "home" with our help when what she really needed was a higher level of care.

To TheBlonde I thank you for asking this question, as I'm in a simular boat, though mine is my FIL (86), in our home for going on 12 years, needing more and more care, yada yada yada. And to be completely honest, if my FIL were as kind, fun, appreciative and lovely, even into their advanced and devastating illnesses, which ultimately took their lives, as both of my parents were, it would be so much easier, but he's a difficult Curmudgeon, and my husband would agree! And I completely agree What Jeanne and Babalou say is so true, but it is so darn difficult getting my husband to pull the trigger, on even having a home Nurse assessment for PT, let alone recommendations for assistance with daily living help. And I honestly don't believe it is about the money, his Dad has the money, so I think it is that it is because Dad is so Socially uncomfortable, and he truly feels for his Dad and his inability to converse comfortably, and the fallout he is going to have to face with his Dads displeasure of being cared for by strangers, and my own husband's feelings of having strangers in our home, as he is a very private person, so now, this is their situation to figure out! My husband and I are both retired, and also both have bad backs, and I have pretty bad knee arthritis, I'm just forcing myself to go out of the more and more, leaving my husband home to deal with his Dad, and his care. I'm just so darn tired of the conversation that goes nowhere, so I'm going to have fun with my friends and family while I'm still young and able to do so. I love my husband very much, and I'm doing this to open his eyes to eventually seeing that either additional Outside help, must be brought in, AND that his Dad WILL eventually need placement in order to receive That Higher Level Of Care. After 11 years of constant babysitting with NO help from his 2 siblings, I'm done waiting for my life to begin, I only hope that hubby will eventually want to join me in the life we Planned to have together, I mean, we have a Classic Corvette that my husband Lovingly restored to enjoy, Nope, haven't begun enjoying that YET, travel dreams, Nope, still dreaming, selling our home, and buying a more managable Condo, Nope I'M NOT going to move WITH MY FIL, into smaller digs, to be even further smooshed together. So that one is on me. But basically our life is on hold, and has been, and despite our hopes and dreams. Oh CHANGE, it is a coming! Hopefully Soon!

Hubby has made the decision to move his mom to AL next week. He is bypassing the full-time caretaker gig. Thank you to those who shared Caretaker $ vs AL $. Al is $4,000 month. ML has funds for 3 yrs. AL is one minute from her home where we live. ML's Dr. told her it is only a matter of time for her needs to change, "why not do it now and get comfortable." ML is kicking and screaming! Oh yes, as the daughternlaw I am the reason for the change. She is very ugly with me and full of anger. I refuse to discuss the issue with her.
What will our lives look like now? Hubby will be at AL a lot, excessive phone calls begin, errands, etc. When he is on overload, he can walk away knowing she is cared for. Freedom is coming!

Have you discussed this your husband? What is his response?

Dear Blonde; awesome advocacy on your part for your husband, yourself and ultimately, for your MIL's health. Keep us in the loop on the progress you make. Take good care of hubby; this must be so hard for him.