How to explain to Dad that he'll be moving out of our house into a low-income senior building?

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gfd7494 Asked February 2016

How to explain to Dad that he'll be moving out of our house into a low-income senior building?

My 80 year old father has lived with us for 9 months. Since the beginning, I've been putting in applications for rent subsidized, senior citizen housing. There are long wait lists everywhere. This past weekend he went into the hospital for a mini-stroke. He'll be going to rehab for a few days. I got a call yesterday that an apartment has become available. I need him to tell them that I can handle the paperwork on his behalf... but I'm afraid he's not going to understand that he'll be moving out of our house into his own place. We've told him before that he should have his own apartment but he's pretty content with us and very forgetful. And after this hospital stay, I just don't know how this is going to go.

I've been in touch with our county's Department of Aging and they will help me arrange care and services for him. He'll actually be eligible for *more* being on his own than with my family.

I need this to happen. I did not plan on being his caretaker. My husband and I work full time, we have a toddler and would like another child. But my dad being there is so stressful for me. We're not even close - long story - but please, no judgment.

Thoughts? Thank you!

Living Independently

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score 3 · Answer 1

Can you move his things into the apartment before he arrives, so it is somewhat familiar? Seeing a familiar picture on the wall and a well-used bedspread on the bed can be calming.

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score 1 · Answer 2

When my mom was in rehab, there was always an offer that the Occupational Therapist would visit her home BEFORE discharge and advise us on any modifications/safety precautions that needed to be taken. BEFORE discharge, talk to the discharge planners about dad's new environment, and what level of care you've been able to arrange and WHEN those folks have appointments with your father.

The best thing would be for whatever home care agency will be providing help to see dad at the rehab, BEFORE he's released and for definite home care appointments to be in place for the day he gets to his new apartment.

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score 1 · Answer 3

My biggest concern is if Dad will be able to provide the level of care necessary for himself following discharge from rehab. Home care will not even be close to 24/7. I am not saying he should go to your home. Instead make sure rehab understands that he is being discharged to a completely new situation that he is not familiar with. If he has dementia you should expect a severe decline when he is on his own in a new place. Has he had a geriatric assessment done? Definitely have that done before discharge. While he is in rehab that is the time to have their social worker find available subsidized assisted living for him that is available now. Also, get those POA's done before the discharge making it a condition of his release.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Dad might be able to help other elders care for their dogs if they are allowed. Also, fostering hard-to-place/mature dogs might be an option.

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score 0 · Answer 5

GFD, what a victory! Everybody's happy.

Dog? Red flag going up..........He may be able to care for a dog right now but for how long? Maybe a bird? But anyways, good going!

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score 2 · Answer 6

Thanks, all!! He was moved to a rehab last night - I saw him today and he's just fine. They expect to discharge him in just a couple days. I told him about the apartment and that it would ensure he had access to help during the day (since we both work), more resources and that ultimately it'll be a better situation for him. His main question - "can I get a dog?" lol I don't know the answer to that yet but if that's my biggest hurdle, i'll take it :)

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score 0 · Answer 7

Can he stay for extended rehab, even if he pays, until his new apartment and in home care can be arranged.? Sounds like you could use a break.

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score 2 · Answer 8

This is going in the right direction. I think how this is explained to him depends on his level of mental ability. Can you reason with him about other things? Does he have dementia, and little short term memory? My guess is he won't accept this move readily so you might have to get a little tricky about it. Maybe explain its on a trial basis.

There's lots of other threads on this forum about getting elders moved. Do a little research. I've seen lots of good stories and ideas. I strongly agree with your decision. Given your age, kids etc, living with an elder can be terrible, especially one who you are not particularly close to.

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score 0 · Answer 9

Ask the doctor and hospital for an assessment on his needs, and if he can live in an apartment, or be placed elsewhere.
You are on the right track. No judgment, just best wishes for a good life.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Proceed as if you have his POA until you hit a brick wall. Get him into that apartment even if you have to pay tge first month, and they will have him sign when he moves in, or shortly thereafter, voiding your signature. Get it in writing.

When your Dad signs himself out of hospital, ask the discharge nurse to require a signed POA document as a strongly advised condition of discharge. Find out if this can be arranged legally. Anything in his best interest can happen?

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How to explain to Dad that he'll be moving out of our house into a low-income senior building?

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