I am in charge of my mother in-law (my husband and I have POA). All 3 siblings have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING or very very little to do with their mother. It's a crazy dysfunctional family and I have some concerns that one of them could accuse us of not updating them about finances and health. Quite honestly, I have absolutely had it with each and every one of them, am burned out, and I have zero desire to even try to update them. They never ask and seem not to care at all when I have informed them of health issues etc. Has anyone else failed or refused to do this had this come back and bite them ? P.S. I manage this from 3 hours away and the 3 of them live in the same town as her. It's beyond pathetic.
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This is another example of why everyone reading this should hire an attorney who knows and understands the client and their family members, when preparing to sign their POA. Form documents simply don’t provide the directions that are needed in many situations, such as difficult family dynamics.
In your case, you could consult an elder law attorney in your state who will review your mother-in-law’s POA, and explain the best practices for accounting for your mother-in-laws funds. If you keep good records, in a format that is easily understood, there is no reason you should be worrying about unreasonable requests from people who are not helping with care.
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What you can do is turn the situation around to put the on the offensive. Eg., make it clear that you're not allowed to share personal, private and privileged information. However, if they want to BECOME INVOLVED with her care, they can help take her to doctor visits, emergency visits as well as do grocery shopping, house upkeep, respite care, etc.
Every time they complain, ask when they expect to become involved with hands-on service. It's not a quid pro quo response, but it does shift the onus of response to them.
Angie - I am sorry you do not get family support. Mother has not shown much appreciation for my efforts over the years either. Right now I am just gkad to not have hostility and character assassination. I am 78 and my mother is 103 and I will be glad for both of us when this is over. She has been ready to go for some time.
Mother appointed me POA as she knows my sis is interested in money. I have sent out no information regarding finances. There is nothing in the POA document or the provincial regs that require me to do that and I feel that mother's privacy should be respected. Normally she would not share this info with my sis. If you are unsure of your position, read the POA document and your state description of the duties of a POA. I have had the same fear about my sis but came to terms with it as she has not reached out at all, and legally, if she wants to attack me as POA, she has to go to court with evidence that I am not doing a good job and she will have a hard time finding any. Personal attacks are another thing and I have has plenty of those in my lifetime and have chosen to cut contact with her. I send the updates to my niece who passes the info on to her mother.
I agree with your husband and Kathy. They are very fortunate that you are doing the job at all. If they were more involved they would have an idea what is going on. I am sorry that you are disillusioned with them, but not surprised. When caregiving comes in to the picture, masks fall pretty quickly. (((((hugs))))
For medical stuff, I'd inform them of big things - like if she's admitted to the hospital, but that's because you are taking care of her, not because of POA status. But little stuff, they don't really need to know, and apparently they don't care.
POA is the rep for a person, not their kids.
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