No one in the family will let dad live with them and I can no longer take care of him. How do I tell them he is going to a nursing home?

Is your dad living with you (or are you living with him in a property he owns?)

Oh, they do not want him in a nursing home? I am more than twice your age, my mother is in a nursing home, and I still feel frequently overwhelmed. I have no idea of how you manage to do what you are currently doing, but I know that you need to build your life, and focus on your studies, if only simply to be able to keep helping your father.

Nursing homes can get a bad wrap, but I know that I would not be able to provide my mother with the level of care she is currently getting. Everything is definitely not perfect, but she has actually been doing better and feeling less depressed in the past months. This would not have happened if she were living with me.

I have often found that those most likely to judge are usually those least likely to help. My parents-in-law (whose mission in life is apparently to ruin mine) have been consistently trying to make me feel guilty about my mother but have never offered me a single word of support. Maybe your relatives are not aware of the full extent of your father's condition. It is so easy to look the other way when you do not have to actually live with people. Please take care of yourself.

They say your father can't stay with them. Then they say they don't want him put in a nursing home. Well, sorry, they can't have it both ways - what I first thought you should communicate to them was of the two-fingered gesture variety.

But actually that's beside the point. What you tell them is that your father needs the expertise of a specialist unit, and that is the truth of it. You can't manage him safely, but the real point is that neither can they.

I'm so sorry that your father and you have been dealt this hand. It's a cruel thing, and I personally wish you were more concerned about your own and his wellbeing than about what your unhelpful family might have to say. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on.

Both2young, I think it is difficult for us to talk about these things because we feel defensive. We feel like we should be able to do it all, and we think that others will see us as failing. That isn't the case at all. Maybe the best thing is to just tell them the truth -- that your father needs to go into a home so that he can receive the professional care that he deserves. If the family can work together, you may find the best facility for him that he could prefer to being at home. I know that you are probably more mature than most people your age, but I think 20 years old is too young to be doing such an overwhelming task. These are critical years for you. You need to be building a life for yourself or the time will be lost.

Your father will be as fine as possible in the facility. I hope that people will visit him while he can still enjoy him. You may want to read other messages to find out a little of what to expect when he goes into the facility. It may take him a couple of months to settle in.

I hope everything goes well. Just tell the family the truth. If they do not understand now, they will in the future. You are doing the right thing.

Similar to what Pam said above, have your Dad's doctor write out that your Dad needs a higher level of care that only a continuous care facility can provide. Make the doctor the bad guy in this situation, and if the relatives squawk, just say that you are only the messenger. Hold your ground. Don't give them Plan B or C, as there is only Plan A which is continuous care.

Let us know how you make out with this.

OK, you talk to his Medicaid caseworker about getting this done. They will either provide some in home care, or they will move him to a nursing home. Don't feel guilty about this, you have done all you could. He would want you to stay in school and start a career.

I agree with the above. It they refuse to take him in.. how do they expect you to? Just because you are the daughter is no good reason these days. I am guessing you are an only child? Get on with your life while you can sweetie

I suggest English, unless your family is more comfortable in another language.

In other words, you just tell them.

If you can arrange to have them all together then you'd only have to do it once. Before you tell them, though, I suggest you have a care facility picked out. This is no small task. Perhaps his disability case worker could help you, or find you another resource who can help you.

If you make your announcement and also say "These are the two care centers I've picked out so far" and hand out brochures that will make the point about your seriousness.

I don't think I'd say "unless one of you will take him in." They have already told you their answer about that. Simply say that your dad now needs far more care than you can provide and you want him somewhere that he can get that. If this changes anyone's mind, they'll speak up. You don't want to come across as giving them an ultimatum -- you do this or I'll do that. You are not doing this to punish them or force their hand. You are doing this for the sake of your father's best interests. Keep the focus on that.

You are too young to be doing this. And your father is too young to need this. But life doesn't always play by the rules. If you can get him into a suitable care center and visit him often you will be doing enormous good!

Working full time and going to college full time can be hugely satisfying and also very stressful. You don't ask for advice for yourself, but I can't resist suggesting that you cut back a little on one or the other, perhaps for the next year. Even with Dad in a care center, he is going to need some of your attention and there will be stress in that direction. I'd hate to see you burn out before you are 25!

Please keep us informed as this unfolds.

Harsh as it may sound you just tell them. Tell them you can't do it any longer just the same way you told us. Have a friend with you if you need support because I suspect you are a little bit wary of doing this but you have to. It's the right thing to do honey xxx