Daughter yells and has slapped her mom's hand for giving dogs food scraps/ sharing food. How can I help her understand dementia?

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LynneB57 Asked February 2016

Daughter yells and has slapped her mom's hand for giving dogs food scraps/ sharing food. How can I help her understand dementia?

When here I watch and eat with her (even make sure food not going to pocket for later). There have been times I had to put dogs in another room. Her daughter and SIL yell, and daughter has slapped her mom's hand. Then yells that is it, no sweets for you today. Her mom says, I am sorry, and daughter saus no your not and you can stop that fake crying..She thteatens to take her to her brothers house. Tells her not to talk to her, your not sorry....just making me angry. Sometimes her mom has said I wish I would just die. This is breaking my heart. They say she knows what she is doing and does this on purpose. Her mom is 95 and loves and treats one dog in particular like a baby. They will finally yell at repeated questions, and tell her not to keep asking. I was my mom's caregiver (vascular dementia) before she passed. 24/7. Sure, I may have raised my voice at a pushing point with regrets after. But not to this extreme. And I never slapped her. I am here 91/2 to 10 hrs each week day. She is with her mom from 4:45/5:00 to 9/10 (mom's bed time) weekdays. Then full time weekends. Husband demands her attention. So between her work, his demands, and mom's dementia she is stressed to the max. I just wish they understood dementia/Alzheimers better.

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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score 1 · Answer 1

Depending on her condition, she may not remember NOT to feed the dog no matter how many times she's told. Remember? Slapping anyone is totally necessary, as it serves no useful purpose either. Put the dog out when you eat. That's what I'd tell her. Works every time. blou

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score 1 · Answer 2

This sounds like abuse to me any way you put it. Maybe mom should be with brother. Sounds very sad for the mother.

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score 0 · Answer 3

" i luv muh dawg " people are just that deluded . i aint sugar coating s*it . my sis and niece came into my moms home with a nasty animal that was in heat and stinking up the whole 5 acres . yea , fleas too . i made the decision that was in moms best interest -- the dog is GONE . sis and niece left right behind the fowl animal but looking back , mom didnt live her last few months being chewed up by fleas . i dont dislike dogs , i dislike dog loving people who will wallow in filth to defend them to the bitter end . with me , there will be a bitter end . i dont live in a dog pen .. not now , not ever ..

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score 0 · Answer 4

All these comments sound like our house has been monitored, with the exception of physical contact. I think it is time to look for a ALF for Mom. All the yelling and accusations is getting too much. None of it is intentional but when you are at your wits end and hate to acknowledge that she is not the same woman she was years ago, due to the disease, a change is necessary. Whether or not my wife is ready is no longer an issue. It's time to do what's best for Mom. Thank you all for your input and info.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Nikki, the outside caregiver is the one posting the question, the problem is with the daughter.

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score 2 · Answer 6

ALSO telling her she is faking it and threatening her is just more abuse on top of abuse. The woman has no place around dementia-ridden people.

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score 0 · Answer 7

This woman is not taking care of a goldfish. Your mother is not a child either. She is a woman due respect in spite of her disease. No person or animal needs to be smacked out of frustration or as a "consequence". This post really bugs me because if you have to ask - you really should have this hammered down fast or next it will be full blown abuse. The woman is clearly not the right person for the job.

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score 3 · Answer 8

Telling mom won't resonate; she will forget. And she will try to feed the dog again, and again. It is up to the caregiver (and I use that term loosely in this case) to make sure the dog isn't eating mom's food at the table. That might mean putting the pup in another room at meal time, or letting the dog outside in the yard for a few. But in no way can mom retain this information with dementia; and it is not ever okay to hit or slap someone with dementia. This person would be fired if she worked in an ALF and possibly prosecuted.

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score 0 · Answer 9

Depending on your relationship with this person and her family, you can tell 'mom' that it's not always healthy for the dog to eat people food. Make sure she has healthy foods/treats for the dog. If mom has dementia she won't remember, education to the daughter regarding dementia may be useful but it needs to be approached with sensitivity. I find people often don't realize what they do may be considered abusive.

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score 1 · Answer 10

Yes, this is a troubling situation. I get fed up, but would never hit or belittle. Sometimes I get scared they might hit me because I don't always do what they want. But, that hasn't happened
I commend you for reaching out to find a solution.

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score 3 · Answer 11

Have you considered calling APS?

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score 5 · Answer 12

She's abusing her. She may not look at it that way, but if this woman has dementia, SHE CANNOT HELP WHAT SHE DOES. The "caregiver", however, CAN and SHOULD NEVER HIT. She is either burnt out and over taking care of her, or she is not understanding the reality of dementia. Either way, wrong person to watch her. I would not trust her with my mother.

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score 4 · Answer 13

I can't sit by and let this go on.

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score 2 · Answer 14

I knew her from school. After mom passed she ask if I would like to help. It was not like that at first, but has gotten that way. I have taked to her about dementia, and she joined some support groups, I even sent suggestions to her from other Alzheimers sights. Yet, she says not always that easy. I did see her slap hand once, and she told me she had yesterday. Said, it probaby hurt, but she had just told her not to feed the dogs. I think I may suggest she look into places that deal with Alzheimers.

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score 6 · Answer 15

It is plain that she doesn't understand dementia. Have you talked to her about finding a place in AL for her mother? All of us lose patients with our care receivers at time, but this sounds excessive. The belittling remarks are elder abuse. She needs to stop that right away. I feel very bad for the mother.

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score 7 · Answer 16

This is a very troubling situation. Are you a paid caregiver, relative, friend? Have you tried explaining to this women how cruel she is acting and the basics of dementia. This is abuse and should be reported. Any competent adult, which I assume this daughter is, should be able to understand dementia and not mistreat a parent. There is something wrong here.

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Daughter yells and has slapped her mom's hand for giving dogs food scraps/ sharing food. How can I help her understand dementia?

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