Poop and pee wherever Mom pleases. Do I just have to learn to accept this behavior?

Thanks also Jinx. I have thought about painting the door a different color. I put a decoration on it so that it would stand out, but that hasn't worked. Probably because it's not at eye level. I will consider it.

Thanks so much Rainmom for breaking your radio silence for this one. I will definitely try this.

Oyveyreally - I'm gonna break my radio silence for this one. I don't think you'll get that statement but it's not about you - so never mind that part. But here's what you should know - it's called "trip training" and is used primarily for children/young adults with significant disabilities. Start taking your mother to the bathroom on a strick schedule. Start with every hour. Do this everyday for a week or so. Sometimes she'll go, sometimes she won't - doesn't matter, stick to the schedule. After a week or so, providing she has demonstrated she is successful with that, extend the time to every 90 minutes. Same thing - after a week or so showing she is successful - without accidents, go to every two hours. Keep building until roughly every 3 or 4 hours. As the time between trips gets longer you may have to spend more than a week at a certain time interval - the goal being to go a specific length of time without accidents before you move forward and lengthen the intervals. Usually at about 3 or 4 hours the person will peak out - and that becomes the "normal" regular time to take mom to the bathroom. There are two factors that make this technique a bit tricky. One is meals. No matter the stage mom is at in length between trips, you have to restart the clock after a meal and take her one hour after a meal but after that trip can resume back to the "normal" timing intervals that has been successful for your mom. The other factor is funky foods or illnesses like the flu that could cause tummy trouble. Then you just do your best to stay on schedule or reduce time lengths between trips until the tummy trouble has passed.

It is believed that by following this method both a persons mind and body will adjust and "know" intuitively/subconsciously to go on this schedule. It's not a perfect solution and it's takes time and patience in the beginning but it can be a very effective technique. Best of luck!

Thanks to all for the thoughtful and caring responses. I made the promise to my mom after she'd been hospitalized for a stroke. She was already in my care following brain tumor surgery. Her dementia is the result of radiation and then subsequent strokes. After getting home and laying in her bed, she asked me to promise that I would never send her away. I did. I realize at some point I may have to break that promise. But it will only be after I have given all I have to give, and can no longer give her the care she needs. My mom was a caregiver and I just feel she deserves to have someone care for her the way she did for others. I don't have children. I did read elsewhere that it's like potty training all over again, but I don't know how to potty train.

Try to take her to the toilet at regular intervals.

I also heard of a family who had success painting the door of the bathroom bright red, so that the AD person could find it easily.

It's a rough problem that is still in the future for me. God bless you all.

I think we tend to promise never to place our parent in a nursing home back when our parent is clear minded, active, probably still driving, still social, doing their own shopping, and doing their own housekeeping and house maintenance, etc.

We never envision our parent becoming very elderly, meaning unable to walk, see, hear, having memory issues, or resorting to being a 3 year old once again. We need to tell ourselves that we need to do what is in the best interest of our parent. And what is in the best interest of our own health, if we aren't 100%, how can we care for an elder?

I would not assume that your mother will have the same issues in a care facility as she does in the hospital. Not the same thing at all.

People are hospitals because they are acutely ill. The attention of the staff is focused on that, less on creature comfort. Just the opposite is true in a care facility. At least this has been my experience.

First of all, God bless and hugs to you. I am also going through the journey of dementia/alzheimers. I found a great article on the Alzheimers Society webpage about "The progression of Alzheimer's disease and other dementias". It gave me a whole new way of helping my mom walk through this. I am sure your mom would be horrified at the behaviors she is displaying. I know my mom cried yesterday when she exclaimed "I have to go to the bathroom!" and I paged for help which I knew wouldn't be able to come quick enough, and she urinated anyway and she was so ashamed. I just hugged her and assured her that it was okay. I think at this stage we have to think of them as 3 year olds, and do our best to help them maintain their dignity. My mom is in a skilled nursing facility that is fortunately 5 minutes from my house. Remember, you have to take care of you first. Getting help in a facility setting, or with home health is a good thing for all involved.

Oyveyreally, I hope the adult onsies will help with your mom's problem. I think that when we understand that their actions are not from meanness or spite we can try to avoid feeling insulted.

I used to take offense from much of my cousin's actions thinking that she was selfish, uncaring and hateful. It wasn't until later that I realized that it was dementia and that it was brain damage causing her to act that way. That's when I was able to look beyond it. It wasn't being directed at me. She was not able to control her behavior and she could not even remember what she had done.

As the condition progressed, it became even more difficult to provide care. That's why she had to be placed in a Memory Care facility. The days when they called them homes, were before they knew more about dementia. In case you change your mind, I would go and visit some Memory Care facilities. They understand dementia and how to care for our family members who have it. It's not a terrible thing per se. I know that some places may not be as good as others, but for many dementia patients, it offers a safe place with lots of care and comfort.

Thanks. I will look into the onsies or other restrictive clothing if this becomes more frequent. I do want to encourage her to use the toilet, which she does most of the time. She definitely isn't doing it as retribution or control.. She usually denies that it was even her that did it. I think the problem is either when the feeling is very urgent or it's at a time when she can't remember where the toilet is. Sometimes she'll pass up her bathroom and end up in the kitchen, and then end up doing her business there; which of course, freaks me out. Re the home, I just don't know. My mother's dementia gets exponentially worse in the hospital. She becomes a totally different person. The last time she was hospitalized, I found her almost catatonic and fiddling with her clothes. It took a few minutes to snap her out of it. When I finally got someone to change her bed, there was a pond of piss on the mattress. I'm sure she had called out for help and after being ignored just withdrew into herself. Hopefully it will never come to having to put her in a home. But it is at these times that I think about it. I'm letting the possibility at least exist, but yeah. It would have to get to a point where I know there is no other option. And I guess this response is helping me to realize that I'd rather clean up poop then live with the thought of her in a catatonic state sitting in a river of piss. At least until the next time...

Cap, I can see that being practical for a married couple, especially if he was used to sleeping without pajamas. In this situation it is a mother, and she is still mobile enough to be pooping all over the house... apples and oranges I think.

i just had some business dealings with a pretty intelligent older gal who had seen her husband thru to the end with lung cancer . she chose to let him lie in bed naked , instead of changing his undergarments every two hours . i think she made a good decision because it doesnt take a genius to realize that air movement heals things .

Oh the EVER LOVING PROMISE!!! To you I say, we do our best until our best isn't good enough, and then we HAVE TO PLACE THEM, where professionals can take care of them better than we can. As someone else on here so often says, Slavery was abolished, and you don't have to be her slave!

No, you don't just have to accept this behaviour.

Some people have mentioned buying clothes that are difficult for them to remove, there are adult onesies or you could adapt her clothing by putting fasteners in back that are difficult to open.

You might try to make note of when she usually has a bowel movement and make sure you put her on the toilet at those times, but this will only work if she is regular.

You might mention this to her doctor, they may have some helpful ideas.

And finally, don't allow guilt to bind you to a promise you made before anyone realized just how difficult this would be. Incontinence is often a deal breaker for caregivers, and I really doubt when your mother made you promise she ever envisioned she would be asking you to clean poop off the furniture!!