How do we deal with placing Mom in assisted living when she is not in agreement?

Getting my mom into a nursing home was he!! for me as well. I got called every name in the book, disowned and she accused me of stealing her money. Everyone said she'd adjust in a few weeks - she didn't. It took two months, a trip to a geriatric psychologist and a complete medication overhaul. Moms been there five months and is now on hospice. I think it has only been the medication the Psy prescribed and her rapid decline that has made her finally her situation. I feel badly that things went down the way they did, but no guilt. I know without any doubt that this level of care was what she required. My mother placed both her own mother and her much older sister in nursing homes when she knew it was what was best for them. I can't help but believe if she was capable of rational thought she would realize the same holds true for her. I will add that in the five plus years I've been responsible for my mother I made good decisions and some bad ones. The best decision I made however, was that my mother would never - ever - come to live with me and my family.

Skizzie, they say to give the new patients time and eventually (some sooner, some later) they will get used to the place and become more agreeable as 'the new normal' becomes more normal. You did the best thing and as his dementia progresses that will be obvious. ( "I know he never would have done this to me" - done what, abandoned you in a Walmart or something?? Now stop that!) He cared for your sick mother because he wanted to, and could. You have that husband and children that are your first priority. He was - is - pulling the old guilt trip - "ONLY YOU! you were the ONLY ONE! till death do us part!" You are not married to your father. It may take a while, but he should adjust to his new home, and as the dementia progresses, he won't even know where it is he's living. Good luck, don't let a lifetime of smothering and guilt destroy what time YOU have left on earth.

My father just went into AL. I tricked him into going, too. But, he has dementia and falls a lot, very confused, cannot see or hear too well, either. I was living with him and he was never alone. That is how he expected it to stay until he died. It was killing me. I have a husband and children who helped out sometimes, but, he wanted only me. The guilt i feel is overwhelming. I know he would never have done this to me. I am an only child and he cared for my mother at home when she was sick. He has no idea how sick he is. He thinks he just has trouble walking. He has only been there 2 days and they are reporting to me that he says he wants to kill himself, wants to go home, very elusive, etc. Believe me, i know everything you are going through. My life is h3ll, even though i thought i would feel free being able to not feel in jail anymore. The guilt is eating me up.

If you have legal guardianship, your duty is actually to the court in that you actually answer to the court for your actions, and there is a required annual report. If money is being misspent, a conservatorship could be put in place (which also has a big bookkeeping and reporting duty) and you could file for that depending on who is most honest or use a professional for the conservatorship arm. If she is below $100,000 in assets, it probably does not make much sense but gifting must stop since she may need medicaid. (Thats a whole other topic). Depends how much money is left in her assets whether that makes sense.

Patti, thanks for sharing that story. I will be facing the same issue with my folks soon. It helps to hear all the good, bad and ugly.

HI. I just placed my 89 yr old mother in to a memory care facility against her will. I am not going to lie, it was the most awful thing I have ever done that day. The guilt I felt was horrible. I cried all day. I had to literally trick her to get her in the building and then we had to sneak away. It was an awful thing to do I know, but there was no other choice. Talking to her was out of the question as she would shut down whenever there was talk of ANY other kind of living other than having her own apartment which cannot happen. I was just granted guardianship over her and it was left on me to ensure she was safe so I did what I had to do. It is so hard but I want you to know 10 days later it was the best thing I have ever done for her. She is happy and safe. I am just ecstatic about it. Good luck to you!

Thanks for your advice. My sister and I have co-guardianship, but honestly, this was not a good idea. My sister has moved money from Mom's account to her own, removed items from Mom's home that she knew were left to others in Mom's will, has Mom paying for her medical procedures, and wants Mom to now move in with her. I threatened to file charges on my sister if she did not return the money. Mom's finanacial investor has called me when my sister had Mom were sitting in his office attempting to have mom withdraw cash and give to her, my brother, and me. She thought if I got some money too, I wouldn't be so concerned. Wrong! It has taken a lot of focus and energy to stay one step ahead of my sister and her children and there is no way I could continue to at least attempt to protect her from being taken advantage. My sister controls my mother and refuses for me or my family to be with Mom without her there. I am conflicted as to what I should do and what my Dad would want me to do.

You need to seek Guardian status and get a court order moving her to memory care. She is beyond assisted living if medications are not working for her.

Lisa, most of us have been through this, and when one has a very stubborn parent who isn't thinking clearly there isn't a whole lot one can do. Sometimes we have to wait for a medical crises to happen to which the elder is placed in the hospital, then into rehab, then into long-term-care.

As you have already found one, it is very difficult to a point of being impossible to argue with someone who has dementia/Alzheimer's.

In the mean time, whatever you do, do not bring Mom home to live with you. Since Mom can afford assisted living, she can afford continuing/memory care.