Is it okay to tell a loved one with Alzheimer's, in a nursing home, that they will come back home soon?

My husband quite often says: I don't have any money. How am I going to pay for my meals? We try to tell him that he doesn't need any money and that everything has been taken care of. But this thought continues to bother him.....I have not seen this particular issue posted and wondered if it is common after the patient is moved to memory care. (He has been there for about 6 months.)

If there is no way this person is going home,they I feel it is okay to say something like ' lets get you feeling better first' or soon and then change the subject. People with dementia forget so quickly and often ask to go home but even if home they may still ask to go home. Home could be a childhood home and not the place they resided in before they moved into a facility.

Skizzie, it old only make the confusion worse. After my hubby had Alzheimer's about 5 years I sold our house and bought one easier to care for. I felt badly about doing it so I started driving him by so he could see the old place. After doing it a few times, I realized he never remembered living there. He would say "what are we doing here?" I,would say this where we had the farm for 20 years but it served no purpose except to confuse him even more.

Even now, after living in our house almost 2 years, it is not home to him. He keeps asking if we paid for one more night at "this hotel."

When we try to ease our guilt we sometimes make it more confusing for our loved one. My hubby isn't in a AL yet, but when he does I will know not to confuse him with trying to "fix" it for him. I'll,let him settle in as much as he can, visit him often and figure I've done all I can do.

Good luck to you and take care of yourself!

I think that might be a bad idea, Skizzie. What would you do if he refused to leave? folks with dementia live "in the moment", as noted above. He probably would remember the trip the next day, so it wouldn't be a source or reassurance.

To answer your last question should you ever bring him back to the house for reassurance no - absolutely not.

Should i ever bring him back to the house to reassure him that it is still here?

Dementia patients live in the moment. We live by considering now, later, tomorrow, in 10 years, etc. all at the same time.

You have to say whatever you have to say to keep the dementia patient calm *in the moment*. They aren't going to use this information to make bad life decisions or do something illegal.

The asking to go home stage passes. You can't take it literally and try to take her home. My mom has been in care for about 3 years now. If she asks, I have only told her everything is exactly the way she left it and that her brother in law is taking care of the place and the outside cats for her. This is reassuring to her mind, and there's precious little of that in her day.

Her home has been sold in reality. Much of the contents donated or thrown away. Does she need to know this? Absolutely not. She is absolutely not going back there, so the factual truth has no bearing.

When she was insistent on going back, I would tell her that the doctor said no travel this week, but he would check next week. Or that I can't get a moving truck this fast or the plane tickets are sold out. Then QUICKLY redirect their attention to something else in their immediate surroundings.

If that doesn't work, ask them questions about "home" and their memories of it - even if it's outlandish stories that never happened. Sometimes that is calming too.

I hope this helps you.

I know how hard it is to tell our loved ones an Untruth but we must consider our motives. And that motive is to make them feel better for the moment. As you know, all they have are moments. As others have said, anything to reduce their confusion and anxiety at certain times is well worth it. Calming them is our number one job and it it takes a few silly comments then that's what we should do and not feel any guilt for it.
Blessings to you as you do one of the hardest jobs ever!!

When I was 8 or 9 years old my grade school singing chorus performed at a nursing home. After we sang we sat with the residents and played games and drew pictures. The lady I sat with, Joan, had dementia although I didn't know that or even really understand that then. When it came time to leave Joan clamped her hand down on my arm and wouldn't let me go. My mom got nervous and in an effort to get Joan to let go told her that we'd come back very soon to visit her. Joan let me go and we went home. I found out later when I was older that that fib she told Joan haunted my mom for years. She felt so guilty for telling Joan that we'd be back when she knew it wasn't true. It wasn't until my grandmother (my mom's mom) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's that the guilt went away. My mom had learned that sometimes we have to tell people with dementia things in order to ensure they stay calm in the moment. My mom did that with Joan and in later years she had to do it with my grandma.

Alzheimer's is a terrible, terrible disease. People with Alzheimer's are often erratic, unpredictable, combative, paranoid, and confused. As terrible as it is for us to deal with our loved ones with Alzheimer's it's even worse for the person who has it. We can't apply logic and reason when we are caring for family members with Alzheimer's. We have to dig deeper than that and come up with a way to keep our loved ones calm and whether it be medication or fibbing or other methods we do what we have to do to make things easier for them and for us.

While your moral compass may feel horrible you have to consider the patient first. As your Dad has ALZ you already are aware and predicting that he might ask you...and it might ask everyone everyday! I have had to spin many therapeutic lies for many reasons. Nope, I do not feel good about it but it usually makes Dad feel better. For MIL we had to do the same as you may chose do to. And as you mention it above, I hope you have set reasonable goals as to what are reasons that you might bring him home. There must be a good reason with benefits for all as to why he has moved. Don't lose sight of what is best for Dad.

People use many methods in this. It's temporary etc. elders must get care and caregivers are totally justified in some Theraputic fibbing to make it happen.