How to help an elderly parent stay out of a nursing home?

Absolutely get POA stat. Don't delay it one more day. Although I got POA well in advance while I was living with my late mother, my brother got a constable just in the nick of time giving him, an attorney, ability to take over her checking accounts with me as second "looker."

My mother was able to stay at home until she died there. I cared for her for over 10 years - she had Alzheimer's Disease. There is no way I would have agreed to send her to a facility. She was never violent and everything else turned out to be things I could somehow deal with. Even if they were seemingly impossible at the time. She had a full year of hospice at home for her final year. She retained her beautiful smile, love and trust. She did not die alone and afraid.

We had advice and other help from our local Area Agency on Aging. I kept on everyones' cases to get my questions answered and as much help as I could get. It was a more than full time job and it was unpaid. But I am glad I was with her all the way.

I realize this thread is a year old but feel I must interject some information. First of all, work on getting the POA immediately. You do not know when it will become a situation where she is unable to do this with a clear head. Believe me, things happen and change when you aren't expecting it. If you cannot afford a lawyer, go to legal aide to have that done.

Second, many people assume that the nursing home is always the best option or the only option. This isn't true. In some cases, it can cause decline because that person realizes they are now in a nursing home. They equate it with "the end of the line" and start worrying about their impending death which causes anxiety and depression which can also affect physical health. I'm not saying that nursing homes are bad or that they don't provide good care. Under certain circumstances, they are completely necessary but if a person doesn't want to go there and is mentally competent, and is able to get help with day to day living, they don't automatically need to go.

And there is something that it seems many people are totally unaware of. I live in the state of PA. We have something called "The Waiver Program" and I have done some searches on this for some other states and some states provide similar programs although they may be under some different name or heading. This program is provided through State Lottery funds and Medicaid. They give you a free medical alert system and monthly service. They provide at-home aides to help take care of elderly people who need help to stay out of the nursing home until it is absolutely necessary. Right now an aide comes to our house 9-5 M-F to help take care of my mom who is in later stage of Alzheimer's. They hook you up with Meals on Wheels. They also provide handicapped access equipment in one's home if needed. All of this is free. Here is a link to my state's program: http://www.dhs.pa.gov/learnaboutdhs/waiverinformation/index.htm


Check with your county's Agency on Aging or Department of Aging and find out if they have a similar program that they could set you up with. State Aging services also provide help in a variety of ways. Take advantage of that. Get hooked up with a representative of you county Aging Office right away.

As Babalou said, have your mom sign a new POA that cancels the previous one. It can be done in the rehab place she is in now. Speak to the social worker there. They may even have the POA forms on hand. I recommend though that you get one made up by an attorney if you can. That will be much more thorough than the standard forms.

I don't suggest that you take her home. What is going to happen (and happens to us all) is that we get older. Are you going to provide 24/7 care for her? Are you sure you're up to it?

Then when she is released, simply go get her and bring her home. Who has POA and MPOA? If your mother is competent, then she can say where she wants to live. You stated, "your mother". Are you siblings blood related? I will assume you meant to say, "our mother". If you are willing to care for her let your siblings know that and you are willing to live with her. Are any of them?

Lots of good advice above. Much depends on your mother's physical and mental condition and what needs she has. If paid caregiver assistance and the right assistive products make it feasible for her to safely return "home" then that would be very tempting as most people want to remain independent or living with a loved one. Most people do not have the interest or finances to go to a nursing home. There isn't enough information presented to directly answer your question but if you want suggestions on assistive products I would be glad to assist. Good luck.

eb2016 is in such a sad situation that I foresaw in our future. That she can not see or speak to her mom I feel is criminal. I will never deny any of my sisters access to mom in any way. They just choose to be uninvolved so far. I hope eb2016 that you all resolve issues and hope you do update us. Praying for you.

Would be very interested to hear an update on this. I agree with those who say the POA should be held by the person handling the actual caregiving. My boyfriend did major caregiving for his mom for years before she died, but all financial/legal issues resided with his brother, who was much more detached and coldhearted. Why she made that legal choice I will never know! Sometimes it is hard to account for people's decision making! Re: nursing homes. I take the middle ground. I believe whenever possible it is better for the elder to be at home, with outside assistance if needed. Sorry, but even the most "luxurious" nursing homes are like putting lipstick on a pig. Ask anyone who has worked in one. Having said that, I acknowledge that sometimes there is no other alternative. Hope eb2016 checks in with an update.

Wish you had POA eb2016. As the person living with elder I just don't understand why you do not. I live with mom for last 5 years. Mom is 91 now & health is decent. Mobility not so much. She is without pain and in hospital bed in living room with commode as she can no longer use stairs. I am with her 24/7 in spite of having 4 sisters who are just too busy with their narcissism. I was burning out & requests for help went unanswered. I was told to put her in a home.......or stop complaining. So I no longer ask for any help. I gave up on them. Mom does sadly ask where is everybody? No phone calls or visits. Haven't heard from a couple of them in over 2 months. They are all in driving distance. They have called me names and undermined me to others. So I am no longer going to be bullied. I now own mother's home because she begged me to take it. Lots of home repairs desperately needed & I am financially handling. My sisters would have her in a home & would never visit. I would be sitting in a nursing home with her. We are doing OK right here. Now my sisters have no say in anything. I will keep doing the best for mom. Presently that means no nursing home. Nursing homes are not the best thing for everyone. I get assistance from state agency for the aging. This allows me to pay someone (usually my niece or nurse friend) for 4-5 hours a week so I can get out. It is a blessing. Mom needs me to outlive her. I plan to. At 91, I think she could make 100. Hope so. Life got easier when I took charge and looked at what I needed to do to prevent further arguments and being bullied. I so wish you had POA. I wonder if you can get POA reassigned to you. After all you live with her and best know her needs. Glad you own home as well. My sisters would have not cared if I were on the street. One sister visits every 2-3 months and doesn't even touch mom. Visit is only because she knows she should to save face. Ugh. No one calls and asks how either of us are doing ever. Stopped trying to understand them. Mom & I will be ok now with no stress and worry. Pray that you find a way to give your mom what is in her best interest. The elders deserve that. It should not only be what others feel is more convenient for them. I am grateful to God that I am able to be doing this for mom. It is not always easy but it is all for her and I hope we all get our needs met when our day for it appears!

Dear Babalou,
To answer your question about what's been happening, I'm being told that I can not visit my mother where she is staying without being accompanied by a relative and my sister with POA must first provide the facility with clearance for me to do so. And I can't call my mother because the telephone in her room has been turned off by them. I have not complied with my siblings to give them any financial paperwork that they need. My attorney advises me not to share it. He recommends mediation with my siblings. The only sibling that was in touch (text messages only) is not responding to my text messages and questions. I don't know what's happening to my mother. I'd like to have this facility investigated by the authorities for the way that they are mishandling this matter.

Regarding the validity of when a POA goes into effect. A lot is dependent on just how a POA document is worded. However, in many cases - such as mine, I was doing POA things in the beginning while my mom was legally competent. These were things mom wanted me to do and had no interest in doing herself - writting checks to pay the bills, meeting with her investment advisor, changing/ making investment decisions etc. mom was in agreement with what I was doing - and that is the key - agreement with the principal. Had I been doing things my mother did not agree with, and her being legally competent mom could have over-rode anything I did AND had me removed very quickly. At the point my mothers dementia really kicked in I had to make decisions she wasn't so happy with. At this point, had mom become totally resistant I would have had to go to court, have her declared legally incompetent by a judge and then it most likely would have become a guardian issue rather than POA. I am lucky mom never made that challenge as it could have been a long, expensive fight. Now my moms health is failing and dementia is in full gear - I continue my role as DPOA with moms 100% support.

Ladylee, no, a person does not have to be declared incompetent in order for a PoA to be valid. You are thinking of a conservatorship.

POA is no good until the person Is declared INCOMPETENT!
Your sister has not right to your Mother's papers until your Mother gives them to her. Period.... happy to hear that you have consulted an attorney.
The reason they don't want your Mom at the meeting is because she will object to being placed in a care facility. She has rights.
Stick to your guns.

eb2016 you are right. Your Mother has the right to live her life the way she wants to also end her life in her own home if she wants to. She may be experiencing end of life decline. No one lives forever. Dramatic weight loss can be a sign that a person is declining towards the end. Stick to your guns. You don't have to release anything to them if your Mother does not want you to. I hope your are both financial and medical POA. Perhaps a Hospice consult would be in order? They would have a Social Worker that would talk to your siblings and get them to see that she has rights and that the end will come someday.....why not allow her to be in her own home with a daughter who loves her?
Best of luck to you........ it is a giant undertaking but you and your Mother already have a plan don't you?

So, EB, what's been happening?

wherever she is now just tAke her home. Thst is exactly what I did. You must make sure you are able to or have the resources to provide for her. that's it

I faced the very same issue a few years ago. Fortunately my loved one, aged 96, could afford to be cared for at home and was of (legally) sound mind and I had committed to her that she would not have to spend her final days (1 year) outside of her own home. I called a conference of the relatives involved and the attending physician and my loved one firmly stated what her wishes were and that she expected them to be honored. The family went along with her wishes.

Had they put up a fight or had I not been able to get them to a group meeting, I was prepared to video record my loved one stating her wishes with proper witnesses, suitable for use in court. Fortunately that was not necessary. I should add that while I had assumed responsibility for the management of my loved one's care, I did not have legal authority which made these actions particularly important. You are right, it is her life and her wishes need to be honored and respected.

And you say I think your mom does not have dementia. Change the POA. MY sister had Her attorney prepAre a whole bunch of papers for mom to sign including Poa and Dnr And will. Listing herself as the person who makes all decisions. This was years ago. I guess it was because she assisted mom financially. Mom is broke so there is nothing about the will thst bothers me and since I sm the 24 hour caregiver I make all decisions and that is fine with them. I will be the one to decide when and where if that time comes. Thank God I have the best siblings in the world

I don't know where you all are from. But if she does not need another facility then why shouldn't she come home. My state list the mortality on average (Florida) of people who enter nursing homes and or most Alfs not privately owned by one person. That number is 6 months. The care here I. Florida is horrible.

Rehabilitation centers are short term. What happens if she returns home and her health worsens? Then you will have an AL or NH option.

Dear 97yroldmom,
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me twice now. Both of your posting have been of great help to me. I really appreciate your concern as well as the valuable information that you had to share. I did speak to an elder care attorney today who advises me not to provide my siblings any of the documents that they are asking me for. It may very well be like you said in your second posting that my sister who has POA has tested the document already with the facility and was told she needed to bring in the documents she is asking you for in order to arrange for payment for moms care in the facility. I never would have thought of this without reading your posting today. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

Dear Vizshun,
Thank you for your concern. And for the information you gave, and for checking with your attorney I want to send out a big THANK YOU!! I say this because I spoke to an elder law attorney today who told me the same thing. He advised me not to cooperate with my siblings but rather to petition the court for a competency hearing which will decide the matter once and for all. As far as I'm concerned I'll repeat the famous words..."I have not yet begun to fight"

EB- yes. I would ask for a copy to take to the attorney. Not all POA cover the circumstances you are in now. Sister would need a DPOA or durable power of attorney. Sometimes people have a DPOA but call it a POA. However, I suspect sister has already tested the document she has with a facility and was told she needed to bring in the documents she is asking you for in order to arrange for payment for moms care in the facility. As her POA has been in place since 2009 and it is seven years later your mom was probably very competent to make the decision to make your sister POA at that time. Perhaps sister is the oldest or lived closer or was helping mom out at that time. I'm sure she trusted sister to make decisions for her if she couldn't. A lot can happen in seven years. You may not have been around at the time. Regardless, sister probably does have the right paper work and she may have even gotten a dr to say mom isn't competent. If so, you would help your mother more by accepting that you can't prevent this. If you think your mother is competent then you need to go to your mother. Ask her if she is ready to sign a document making you her POA. If the answer is no, then you need to be prepared to let mom be under the care of your sister. If she says yes, then get the document prepared as soon as possible for mom to sign. Siblings may simply want to elevate her care and truly believe they are doing the right thing. The fact that they don't want to discuss their plans in front of mom is troublesome. If she is competent, they might think they can get her to sign herself in by telling her at the last minute after they have everything ready. They might not want her to worry about it before then. Go to the attorney. You can't do anything without the paperwork with moms signature signed in front of a notary. The lawyer will explain. You need legal advice for you and mom. Try to stay focused on what's best for mom and realize that it might be what the siblings want is best. But if it isn't what mom wants, you need the attorney.

Your Mom has legal rights. As long as she benefits from her decisions and it brings her happiness, she is absolutely able to make her own decisions. Even with slight dementia. This as per our attorney.

To your question of wanting to see the POA docs before releasing docs - yes, you should see it. BUT, keep in mind that POA ONLY comes into play when your mom is NOT able to make decisions for herself, so if she's competent, mom gets to decide what paperwork your sister sees - sister can't just demand them because she wants too. If your mom isn't able to make decisions for herself, then once you see the POA papers you should abide by then.

I can certainly understand mmomand dad lived with my eldest sister she. Hit them dad with her crutches spit on mom said she would kill her. Finally siblings went to Miami deplorable conditions they were removed by elder care needed hospitalation dehydrated weak malnutrition then sent to state rehab dad passe on Christmas day brought her back with me to ohio stayed two weeks cracked her ribs hospital would not keep overnight by next evening back in er with pneumonia told her she was going to skilled care she accepted she needed higher medical assistance.she has accepted and is relatively happy I visit everyday she around peers was super hard but best thing I could ever do to help her

eb- forgive me for bringing up the indelicate matter of money - but perhaps is there financial motivation behind your siblings wanting to place your mother in long term care? Do they stand to gain financially by making this move?

Thank you 97yroldmom, You made a lot of good points and I appreciate your good advice. Because of the wisdom of you words I wonder are you really 97 years old?
I was told that the POA was done in 2009. Should I still ask to see it before providing my siblings with any of the paperwork or should I not give them anything at all?

EB you don't have to give them the papers. Tell your sister you need to have a copy of the POA before you consider complying. Don't trust her that she actually has it or that it gives her these powers. Some do and some don't. It might help you to actually see it. Take this all to the elder attorney and get the POA for yourself as suggested.
If the siblings haven't been visiting mom at home, why would they visit in the facility?
It sounds like they have a problem with you and think they are protecting mom ( in their opinion) from your inadequate care. Your mom had to sign the POA for sister to have it. Do you think she did this long ago or recently since she's been in the hospital? This might matter. If mom isn't able to make her own decisions and she signed it recently then it wouldn't be valid. If she signed it long ago then the sibs might have a stronger case. If she just legally signed it for sister then she could rescind it and sign one for you. If you get a copy you will know. Remember they want something from you so use should be able to get a copy.
All the points of view are valid about how hard it is to care for someone who needs more than one person can handle. But many many people live out their lives in their own homes. Right now if your mom doesn't want to go, SHE can stop it. If she isn't able to express herself, then the sister who has the POA makes the decisions. Even if mom decided to go to the home, as long as she is mentally competent she can change her mind and go home UNLESS they get guardianship. Ask yourself why they would be doing this? Even if they are wrong, they probably think they are protecting your mother. People have very different and very strong opinions about this subject. Some won't like the temp at your house, or feel it isn't clean enough or feel you bring in rough characters they don't want to be around. Or your children are a problem, or you are using moms money for your own benefit, Mom isn't clean. There's an odor. It can be anything. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes these very conditions exist in whichever facility is chosen. We on this forum don't know. We can only tell you. Mom has rights and can call the shots as long as she is competent. The POA MIGHT override mom if she is no longer competent. You should consider help but You don't have to answer their demands. Especially when they refuse to be honest and upfront with mom. You need a heart to heart with mom, an elder attorney and a realistic examination of your abilities to take care of yourself and mom. If you do take her home and it doesn't work out, you can always find a facility at that point when you are both ready. Remember to breathe and seek the best outcome for mom. Your siblings could be trying to help you as well since they have already decided they aren't care takers, they can't imagine that you could be. The possibilities are endless.