How can my mother assimilate better into our family? Is it even possible?

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Pandabearmama Asked March 2016

How can my mother assimilate better into our family? Is it even possible?

My dad passed away 2 yrs ago and mom said she wanted to try living alone for a year. We all knew she couldn't handle things like finances, repairs or taking care of herself, so she sold her home in another state and moved in with us. Now I'm officially in the sandwich generation - 2 teenagers and MY MOTHER! It's been hard on all of us because she has sooooo many issues; however, she is in fantastic health at 77. Her only physical concern is a bunion on her foot. Her mind, another story. Controlling, argumentative, negative, hurtful, just very difficult to live with. My only thoughts on taking her in with us was to allow her to live out her life peaceful, secure and happy. Why can't she just be peaceful and happy? She has her own room, TV, walk in closet, took over my kitchen and cooks, but constantly says she doesn't feel like she belongs. It is me and my husband's house, we put ourselves out there to help her with nothing in return, but now our family life in disrupted with all her problems. I can only image what it will be like when she does have physical problems. Anything I can do short of another place to live? Her funds are at a minimum, and she wouldn't go to an independent living facility ever.

Multi-generational Living

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score 0 · Answer 1

Your mother wants to be in charge of your home. We had my grandmother with us for a bit and it was awful. Please find a way to get her out of there. Your kids shouldn't have to live with that.

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score 2 · Answer 2

She doesn't want to assimilate. Look up "queen bee syndrome". Then move her out.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Good heavens, someone in their 70's is still very young by today's standards. Chances are those who are living with their grown children resent being there because they can't live on their own like they use to.... they hate the idea of aging.

I agree with AngieJoy above, why not see if there are senior apartments in your area, that way Mom can have her own place and be around others of her own generation.

I will be 70 this year and I still have my career but the thought of living alone doesn't appeal to me. I know I wouldn't be happy living in a household where the younger generation is glued to their Smartphones, and listening to music that doesn't sound like music at all. I know, I know, I am sure my parents weren't crazy about me listening to the Beatles :P

My Dad is in his mid-90's and recently left his single family home to live in Independent Living, the place is like a 5-star hotel. He said he didn't know these places existed as he would have moved much earlier. Yes, these places are expensive but he had saved for this type of "rainy day". He really enjoys going to the common dining room to have dinner with friends who live in the same complex.

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score 6 · Answer 4

Pandabearmama, On the basis of your description, I doubt very much that your mom wants to assimilate into your family. She wants to take over, and her complaints about feeling as though she doesn't belong are efforts to manipulate you. She could live many more years and could easily destroy your mental and physical health in the process. I think that your best option is to try to get her into some sort of low-income senior housing. There probably is a social worker at your mom's doctor's office who could let you know about the available options. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

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score 1 · Answer 5

my mother is really nice to OTHER people too. I had to admit to myself that my mother is a FAKE. Shes 75 and healthy. for her she might have a little dementia ( she was a heavy drinker her while life until a year and a half ago ) but this is who shes ALWAYS been it was just easier to ignore her personality until she moved in my house. I feel for you. nothing easy about this. I had to tell my mother we made a mistake by moving her in, and at first I felt guilty, but we can NOT live like this. But shes on a waiting list for more than a year so far for a low income apartment. we can not be responsible for our parents happiness. only they can. the whole thing can be so overwhelming.

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score 3 · Answer 6

Ugg, 1golflady...😥 Now I'm scared to death. She is mean and self centered and seems to create drama more than my teenagers. Always denies it. Is it the start of dementia? She's really nice to other people, and makes friends with the church ladies. I'm her scapegoat to, and yes, my health has been declining as well. I'm working on my health now and doing well. Wow, I feel like climbing in a hole. I want to do the right thing.

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score 3 · Answer 7

If she has been like this her whole life she will not get any better, but will only get worse, I moved my mom in with us 2 years ago after step dad died. I thought my mother would get a chance to have normal loving relationships with her kids and grandkids and great grandkids. She's having no part of it. She's mean and self centered to the bone .she makes every day in our house like a circus and she is the main act. I guess she thrives on drama She talks crap about everybody ( mostly me the person who is taking care of her she LOVES to complain about me) in the family instead of realizing what she has left is a blessing. Its tore our whole family apart and things will never be the same. I have mourned the loss ( and FINALLY accepted the truth that's se NEVER was a good mother only cared about herself ) of my mother but she is still alive and living in my house. If this is her personality start looking for someplace NOW because waiting lists are long and you are going to start being filled with anger and resentment and it will make you physically SICK. It can RUIN YOUR LIFE. It has ruined mine.

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score 1 · Answer 8

Take her to see a geriatric psychiatrist. It5possible that the right combination of meds will help.

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How can my mother assimilate better into our family? Is it even possible?

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