At what point is it no longer OK for my Dad (90) to care for my Mom (87) with middle stage dementia?

Thank you so much for the insights............it is so hard to look objectively at their situation. Dad has always cared for mom and takes pride in that. Will be tough on him to relinquish control of her care. But for peace of mind (mine) I will look to the next step of care

I can understand why your Dad is resistant to Assisted Living, as it was always his job to provide shelter to your family.... and downsizing into Assisted Living might mean in his mind, he is failing.

As Jeanne above had suggested, scoop out some the Assisted Living facilities and see what would be a nice fit. But note, after your parents move in, you might see more memory decline. It's just part of the dementia journey, but now you will sleep better knowing your parents are getting another level of care. Now the tough part, convincing your Dad.

Sounds like it is fast approaching the Not-OK point. It really depends on his health and stamina and strength.

Have you picked out one or two nice ALs for them to visit?