My daughter (43) has multiple sclerosis, and wanting to live on her own with myself (her mother) as the caregiver?

BTW, she can have her own place, but you may choose for someone else to be her caregiver. If she doesn't need a lot of extra help, it might be affordable and you could still keep some distance for a while. Needing some distance is not a bad thing. It helps to keep relations strong and fresh.

We need so much more information here, like if the kids are living at home and if the daughter is wheelchair bound all of the time. Is the disease relapsing/remitting or is it completely progressive? How is her thinking -- flexible or rigid? We would really have to know the stage and conditions to know how much care would be needed.

So if she is 43, then you are about 63. You may still be strong, but the aging process only goes one way, and you will be less strong in future years. In an AARP ad on TV, the mother says about her daughter, "I want to be her mother, not her full time job." You should be caring for yourself first. I'm going to say to care for the children second, because they have a promising future, and they need a happy sane adult in their lives as young adults. To your daughter, you should be a mother and a friend, not a caregiver.

If all she needs is someone to do her laundry and mow the lawn, that's one thing. If she needs lifting and bathing and meal prep and someone to listen to irrational long stories and complaints, I don't think you should take her into your home or give up your own home. It would be different if she were dying in the short term, but she could live 40 more years!

Can you consult the social worker wherever she is now? They will know about resources that can improve her life. If she leaves the present facility, it will be harder to get the system to help. God bless you.

Another thought - does she participate in any type of MS support group?

Sadi, I ask this not to be critical but just to understand the situation. You write that she wants to live on her own with you as a caregiver. That wouldn't necessarily be independent living, because you'd still be caring for her. I think of independent living as someone living on his or her own, being responsible for everything.

What stage is her MS? Can she manage a house or apartment alone? How old are her son and daughter?

I can see living with her son and daughter if they're old enough to help, but if you have to manage your own home and help out with hers, that's just too much of a burden. She's better off living with you. I assume her children stay with you as well?

Perhaps you can find ways for her to be more independent while still living in your home. Can she be in charge of some specific household tasks, things she can do while sitting down, for example? Like helping with meals, being in charge of specific aspects, managing the laundry or at least folding it? Dusting, vacuuming? Planting seeds or plants? Managing a garden?

W/o knowing how far the MS has advanced, it's hard to make good suggestions, but I think I would give some serious thought to trying to consider and implement a plan that allows her to be in charge of some areas of home management (as well as caring for her children) while still sharing a home with you.

I understand why she wants to have some independence, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your own.
Where is she living now?
Are there other ways to change her environment to make it better for her?

Please remember that as MS advances, the patient does not fully grasp the extent of their disability. She would end up calling you several times a day for help and you would be running back and forth. Discuss this with her MD.