Is rage a part of grief?

Dear Missouriflower,

Thank you for your post. I have this experience as well. My parents are divorced. And since my dad's passing I too have anger towards my mother. I feel it was my father's misfortune to have married her. My mother was always a trouble maker. She made everyone's lives harder it seems to me. I know grief has not made me rational or reasonable.

And I have to accept my mother also had a hard life. Because of this anger towards my mother, I've tried to give myself some distance for now. I'm also looking at counseling and joining a support group. But thank you for giving voice to these feelings after one parents passes on.

Rage, Anger--as everyone has stated, part of the grieving process. It's kind of like we HAVE to go through all these steps or the emotions come flying out of nowhere and land on innocent people.
It's a sort of "kick the dog" thing--you get mad at your oldest kid, they pass that anger down the line and the youngest "kicks the dog".
It's when you can't pass through theses stages that there's a problem. Acknowledge that you are angry--for whatever reason...feel the anger and pain and let it out appropriately (not punching people, of course, nor a dog!) and eventually it passes. When acceptance comes, peace will come.

When my estranged brother died, 3 years ago, I was surprised at how angry I was. Not for what he had done to me, but at the horrible treatment of his children, whom he abused and neglected and his ex wives and all the people he had hurt and whose lives he had impacted so negatively. I was angry at him for a long time. Over time, as I spoke to his kids and his exes, I came to see that they were slowly forgiving him, and moving on. So did I. Not overnight, and not without some backsliding, but now I can think of him and not feel the flush of anger that was my first response.

Just don't "kick the dog". I liked the idea of smashing stuff and hitting the mattress with the baseball bat. Physical releases that won't hurt someone innocent.

1golflady - I know what you mean. I wasn't left with a mess when my dad passed but I was left with my mother. I never realized what a buffer he was between everything, everyone and the difficulties that is my mother. I know as well the toll dealing with her and her selfish, vindictive nature has taken on me - I am changed forever and not for the better. Most of the time when I visit now mom is asleep. I still stay for an hour or so, straightening up her room, hanging and refolding her cloths, accessing what supplies I need to bring on my next visit. To be truthful, I am relieved when I walk into her room and she is fast asleep. At least I know it will be a peaceful visit with no criticism, arguing or manipulations. Sometimes I stand there looking at her - wishing things could have been different. But they weren't and I can only hope that someday I can find some peace in my heart when I think of her.

I went through all these stages when Mom was still alive and getting worse and worse. I was angry at some of the doctors, angry at the hospital, angry at the nursing homes that were rated 5 stars by Medicare but let wounds and broken bones happen when an aide let my Mom slide to the floor, angry at the stupid questions I sometimes got from nursing home personnel. All these emotions went round and round. Then I took Mom home on hospice and the hospice people were so good that I could not believe it. Mom died several months ago, and now in addition to the loser nursing homes, I am angry at some of her lifelong friends for not responding to her death, her ex business partner who tried one last attempt to hose me out of a lot of money only 2 weeks after Mom's death in front of 2 law firms and many others. I don't know if that woman is that brazen or getting dementia herself at 74 but thankfully she was stopped. I am still angry at her and so many people. People can be so stupid and I guess that is not my fault but I am angry at myself too for being around such losers and feeling vulnerable. At some point maybe composing a letter to all the losers will help me...whether I send it or not.

2 years later and I'm still in the Anger stage over my step dad . I get mad every day because he's gone and I'm stuck dealing with the mess he left behind ( my crazy mother who moved in and their money problems ) How can one get past the anger when they are still cleaning up the mess the deceased one has left behind ? I have no answers. Its changed me for life though. I will never be the same person I was. I live day to day. some days there is rage some just pure sadness ( at what has become of MY life ).

Have you been able to greive your father? When my dad passed I had about seven hours to greive - he passed late at night and the hospice facility called me. Then I was the one who had to go tell my mother. From the moment I told her until very recently my life became all about mom. Taking care of my very difficult mother left no opportunity for me to let down or let go. I'm sure once my mother passes I will probably finally be able to greive for my daddy, whom I adored. In the mean time I keep my sorrow bottled up tight. I'm sure this contributes to the anger I feel towards my mother. But then again mom and I have always had a complicated relationship.

Anger at Mom = displaced anger, but real irritability.
Have you always been this nice, or did you just pass through a door and enter a twilight zone? I am guessing you have been pretty normal all along, or you would not have asked your question, or be concerned about it.

The death of your father is a real loss, Missouriflower. There are so many things that could be going on, you might want to explore those feelings with a professional, or read some self-help books. Maybe someone here can suggest a book related to father-daughter lost relationships. You can talk more with us.

Sorry for your loss.

Denial, a stage of grief.
ANGER turned inward = depression.
Rage-a symptom of burnout or PTSD.
Have you ever been in a heated argument, then you pick up the phone and sweetly answer, hello? That, lol, is proof one can turn rage on/off.
Learn to readily identify the feelings, the triggers that this anger is about to take your heart and mind for a quick ride. Instead, without a word, go outside in your p.j.'s if necessary! Take a walk, three deep breaths. If this continues, go for help. Coming here to vent your unacceptable (to you) feelings will help over time.
After a time you won't like yourself much if you cannot contain your anger and express it a more healthy way.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
{{{{{Hugs!}}}}}}

pure panic !!
when my mom was diagnosed as terminal i already lived with her but at this point the heat was on . i have to admit that i read nearly every article that AC ever produced in order to comprehend what was to be expected .
terminal caregiving is a scary place that , in hindsight , youve dreaded and feared all of your life .

It may be that your mother is staying with you and disrupting your life. It may not have as much to do with grief as handling your mother at an already difficult time.

The anger can take any direction. Sometimes the family is angry with the doctors, or angry at Hospice. Mostly they get angry with each other, over things like the funeral, the burial, what to do with his stuff, etc. Talking may help you, with others going through the same thing.

But im not angry he died. He was suffering. So why the anger at my mother? It is rage, more than anger, really. Thanks all for your responses

YES, look up the "5 stages of grief" Shock, Fear, Anger, Despair and Acceptance.

If you're familiar with the stages of grief you know that anger is one of them. And we don't always go through them in the order they're written.

My mom died mid-November some years ago. When I went to buy my daughter a TV for Christmas I became very angry with the salesperson because they didn't have the one I wanted in stock. It wasn't the clerk's fault but my anger got the best of me and I took it out on him. This is very unlike me. Once I got home and examined my behavior I realized that my anger had nothing to do with the TV. It was just residual anger over my mom's death that bubbled to the surface. I called the store that evening and tracked the salesperson down and apologized. He was a kid about 17 years old and when I apologized his response was, "Uh.....OK?" But the apology was more for me than it was for him.

I found myself short-tempered, impatient, and overall agitated in the wake of my mom's death. Eventually it went away especially once I identified the source and gave myself a break.

If you Google the stages of grief you'll find many articles on death and grieving. You can't really speed pass the stages and you may not experience them all. But during this time be kind to yourself. Recognize that you're still going through the death of your father and it's not easy. In time you'll heal.

Here it is!
In the beginning when I was having a difficult time, my friend and pastoral counselor would ask me if I was angry. I always said no. About six months after Mary died, I finally realized that I was angry. I now say that yes, I am angry - not a wide-eyed type of anger but an honest statement that I feel Mary had a life to live and things to do. I was angry in general as well as angry at the driver. My anger led to depression for a while. I feel it is much healthier to admit to my anger. It no longer colors my life because I learned to talk about it. I also learned to really enjoy exercising.
Two of my favorite stories shared by people who were grieving have to do with anger. One lady spoke of purchasing baskets of odd crockery at garage sales. She placed plastic trash bags in front of her cinder block garage wall, put on safety glasses, and threw the crockery. Afterwards she gathered up the broken crockery as well as some of her anger and threw it all away. A neater version of this idea is to place an old glass in a zip lock bag and throw it at any wall. One man who was grieving the deaths of three family members would beat on a mattress with a baseball bat. When he moved, he brought that mattress and bat right along with him.
Work at recognizing your anger, expressing it safely, and eventually letting it go. Then, hopefully, you will be able to turn your energy to the more enjoyable aspects of your life.

Author unknown
M88 (have it in Spanish if anyone needs it???)

Miss Flower,
I did a written translation of the stages of grief, from English into Spanish. So, I am not the author, nor an authority on the matter. It is simply what I read: YES, the stages of grief do include ANGER. Let me find something in my pc, I will copy and paste. It is not copyrighted but it is written by a Hospice RN. Will be back asap. M88