Anyone else have issues creeping up into personal life now that a parent moved in?

Rainmon, dad is 80, good health, had knee replacement last year. Is diabetic takes meds but no other health issues except he needs to lose weight. He is ambulatory. goes to church and functions but otherwise sits around the house. I cant let him do things as it ends up me finishing the job. I don't have a shop for him to putter in (Because I gave up 1/3 of my house for him to live in). At this rate he will be in good health for 10 years (good gens on his side). He will attend functions if its an event otherwise he is bored. This AM he got up and out like a shot (he can do it) as he was in an "advisor role" for a church project. Its great he is doing that, gets him out of the house.I wish it were more.

Thanks, glad to see I am not crazy. I try, there is no other option, he has no pension except for SSI which is not enough for any housing. Lets face it he barely pays the bills he has living with me. He has no worries of rent, food, heat, light, cable, internet. even new clothes (I bought him new church clothes and my daughter is in the fashion business so he gets new shoes too).
It is just hard. He can talk on his cell phone with a whisper when he wants to and the next conversation in 30 seconds is on speaker phone. I installed french doors in my office for privacy when we bought the house (the reason I bought the house) and it is now his living room. We have to close them when he watches TV as we hear it in our living room. Yesterday he was on the phone with his sister and he (He was talking very loud) said "they don't let me cook because they don't like the kind of food I cook)..... so now I am the bastard son to the family? He tells everyone how much I take care of him and then turns around and tells people behind my back that I "don't let him cook". He can cook any time he wants and I have told him so. Last week he bought oysters that I had to shuck for him,...... Saturday he asked me to make cupcakes to take to church for Sunday coffee hour then tells me they were OK...... so I am the bad guy here because I don't let him cook "tripe (cow stomach), herring in cream sauce (he has in the fridge), beef tongue, ham hocks, split pea soup, liver and onions.... all this stuff my mom wouldn't cook because it is unhealthy! So I am the bad guy? I told him no more rice pudding (he'd make a 4 quart dish and eat it in 3 days). He is DIABETIC! He is on meds for DIABETES... I try to cook low calorie (I am trying to lose weight), he wont listen. We are trying to cook high protein and low carb. I think I am a pretty good cook, most everything is from scratch every night. high veggie count, fresh food, meats and fish..... I do all the shopping, I by him fresh local milk in glass containers (more expensive) that he drinks (I use very little). Its not so bad living at this local hotel apparently.
As far as stacyb, yes the sex part..... through the floor..... and getting worse. There is no privacy. All we seem to do when we have an hour or 2 to ourselves is complain about him. I can't do romantic dinners as if he is out his timing seems to be just as we sit down he pulls in the driveway.... even if he is planned to be out for the evening ("oh I got the wrong night").
I have tried, just when I do it smacks me in the face. My daughter was home for the weekend. he cant hold a conversation he can only tell stories, then when it is of no interest to him he leaves. Then he expects people to come see him in his living room. The kids are leaving and he wont even come out to say goodbye waits for them to search him out.
I adore my wife but things are tense here and we cant get away and now I know why the family does not call me. They think I am the bad guy because I "don't let him cook".... Cook already, just don't expect me to eat it.... and use soap when you do the dishes I really don't like dirty pots and pans in my pantry, Oh I guess that makes me a bad guy too.... "I'm such an ass."

My wonderful husband died and I miss him in every corner. Since his death six years ago - I have been caregiver in MY home for my FIL, MIL, and my own mom. In that order. My BIL and his girlfriend would often say.......... "it's so nice for you to have the old folks in your house so you aren't lonely." Ugh! Not true AT ALL!! People think that I am happy to have company and that the dementia, smell, diapers, mushy food, etc etc. is not a big deal. I don't want this kind of company ever. These old people are no comparison to my fantastic husband. Families have no clue - and they really don't want to know the truth.

Hey, everything you wrote is Happening in My home! My husband's Dad moved in with us immediately after his wife passed away. We actually had to move our last child out of the house (age 20, working with a very good income and ready to fly) the weekend before, but really? It initially started out as a roommate sort of thing, we were still able to get away on vacations, he was happy to stay home, and my husband even took him for a road trip every summer for the first few years. But as he got older, declining, he didn't want to go away anymore. Thus slowly ending our trips and such. Let's talk about it, SEX, What SEX!? That too slowly diminished with my husband worrying about whether or not he could Hear Us! Nothing puts a damper on your Love Life, than a nosey elder! The snooping and listening into our conversations. Oh ya! We have that going on too! He has been known repeat things he Thinks he's heard, only just that he now Thinks that I want to get rid of him, which I do, but have never said out loud in My home! Of course we talk, whatever else Is there to talk about, other than the F'd up impact he has had on our lives! Now after 12 long years, we are working together on finding a solution to getting him in home care, as a bridge to moving him to Assisted living, I hope, I hope! It is such a emotion fueled issue that we are walking a thin line with compassion respect responsibility, kindness and Love, so we know that its going to take some time, within a year I'm hoping, and then we will get our life back, to rebuild what we once had, again Hopefully! Never again, though he is our last remaining parent, but also, We will Never do to our 4 Children, what he has done to us, and I am not blaming him entirely, we never should have moved an able bodied Perfectly Healthy Senior into our home in the first place! It was that Age Old Promise thing, of that era's thinking, that they would one day live with their Kids, but not anymore, we are putting an end to that! I would Never want to live with any of our kids, even though ever one of them have said that they would "Step Up"! No thanks, as I know exactly what that does to a relationship and your life. It's not fair, and they have their own lives to live. Find me a nice little senior AL, or even a Nursing home, as I'll happily charm the pants off of the staff and become the resident Sweetheart! I don't know where my husband will go though! Lol!

tg, since your dad can be left at home safely, I'd strongly recommend you grab this and do day outings with your wife. Dinner and a movie, go to a museum, a drive and lunch out, an evening with friends. Please push past the guilt, which is not a good thing btw, because you are doing nothing to be guilty for. You actually are tending to your responsibility to nurture a healthy relationship with your wife.

And unfortunately, it will probably do no good to request that your dad not carry tales. You'll have to just watch what you say - that's lousy, I know, but it is the realistic action to take. If you are able to take time out with your wife, I suggest you set a short time limit on discussing Dad-related matters, then move to normal people talk. It'll help you two have a relaxing time out.

Just thought of another possibility - moving to a retirement community. He'd be with people his age, there are planned activities, and typically support for trips to grocery stores, medical appointments, etc.

But the best benefit is that you would regain your privacy.

Another alternative is one I'm not sure of, as I'm not that familiar with how AL and IL facilities operate. That would be respite care, perhaps one week out of a month, in which he resides there and you have the house to yourselves.

It might also be the first step to addressing his living somewhere other than your house.

But I would explore the soundproofing of walls as a first option.

I'm sorry to see you back again, not in the sense of not wanting to get updates on what's happening but to see that the live-in situation is still problematic, and seems to be causing divisiveness.

There have been so many posts on difficulties of a live-in parent, or live-in adult families - in many ways it just doesn't seem workable under the best of circumstances. But I recall before your father moved in that you approached it like a business issue, very professional, analyzing your options and working out potential solutions.

So it's sad to learn that there are still some divisive issues arising. There's just too much sadness on this forum.


One issue about which I would be not only concerned but annoyed is that your father repeats what you and your wife discuss. That's absolutely intolerable. I assume you've addressed this with him, but his behavioral changes aren't necessarily controllable, or perhaps even recognized by him.

You could discuss his foibles in front of company, but that's really a retaliatory tactic, even though it would probably embarrass him enough that he might reconsider his tale telling. However, as I recall, there's some dementia present so he might not have the analytical function to realize that if he repeats what you say, you can turn around and do the same.

Some years ago someone wrote requesting help on a DIY forum for soundproofing rooms. I don't recall what the suggestions were, but they were from people experienced in construction.

You might consider that as an option. I have a vague recollection that there are soundproofing materials that can be applied to walls, such as your bedroom walls, to block transmission. There are a few decent DIY forums where some of the knowledgeable posters went if you want those links.

That doesn't address casual or mealtime conversations though.

I'm wondering if your father just doesn't have enough going on in his life to challenge him, things he can brag about doing himself, and he falls back on "living" your life vicariously through repeating what you discuss. Long shot, maybe, but if you can figure out why he's repeating your personal conversations, it might help with a solution. It's probably like finding a needle in the proverbial haystack though.

Does your wife work at a corporation that has family counseling? That might help her at work, but it could also have the opposite effect. My experience with corporations is that frequently a "corporate man" or "corporate woman" is a blabbermouth, reporting anything that he/she thinks might affect someone's performance to the higher-ups, and perhaps gaining brownie points in the process.

Are there any caregiver support groups in your area?

There's also the question that perhaps it's time for him to live in AL or IL. I don't suggest this lightly, but perhaps if he has more companionship of his own age, he won't focus so much on living your life vicariously through repetition of your conversations.

I know exactly what you mean. Under those circumstance you kind of go from second honeymoon (fun and freedom as in the pre-kid days) to honeymoon in h*ll. My dad lived with us for almost ten months. The first few months (when he was acutely ill and needed lots of assistance) weren't too bad, because we were so focused on helping him make the best recovery possible. After that, it was awful. No privacy. No chance for romantic getaways. No living room (because it had magically become Dad's sole property). If you can possibly get your dad into some sort of senior housing situation, things should get better for you. If your dad is living someplace where there is 24-hour supervision, your wife should be less concerned about leaving him for a weekend.

Just a question or two to help define possible answers. How old is your father? While no one can predict if we'll be here tomorrow - what's your best guess at a timeline for your father to continue to live with you - ten years, twenty? How far away from retirement are you and your wife? How are dads finances? Would your dad be happy in an Independent Living type community? Is there a Plan B should your dad start to require more hands on personal care if his health begins to decline? So many things to consider - but I'm afraid when moving in a healthy aging parent a lot of folks look at it as adding a room-mate, someone who can help with expenses but live their own life - in their defined space. Sadly, it almost never seems to work out quite that way.