Is it dementia if my mother is only mean to me?

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this petsilove ! I agree that often it's the person who is providing the most care who is singled out for criticism. The person being cared for resents the loss of independence and would lash out at anyone. Sometimes we caregivers really are taking over their lives and their resentment is understandable. At times, caregivers could do things better, but at other times there seems to be no other way to handle these difficult changes.

One note about the daughter believing the grandmother: I've seen this happen when others don't know the degree of mental deterioration. They listen to someone like the grandmother complain and believe her because she sounds so clear and mentally sound. In this case, the daughter doesn't seem to understand that this is the disease talking. It's heartbreaking but not unusual.

There are times when family members aren't the best full time caregivers. Either because of family dynamics or because of dementia, the person with the disease is better off in the case of others through no fault of their caregiver. Remember, too, that not all dementia is Alzheimer's and some types of dementia bring about big personality changes, paranoia and even hatred of a single person in the family. If this happens, it helps no one to continue trying to be the primary caregiver.

The fact that you and your mother didn’t get alone before makes all of this harder. Likely, subconsciously, you want to show her that you are a wonderful daughter. She, on the other hand, is just getting worse. Don’t blame yourself. You’re in an impossible situation (if you want some peace). Try to get her care from other sources.
Take care,
Carol

Yes! She resents her loss of independence and control. She's in the early stages, early enough to know she is losing ground and angry about it. Since you are the closest, you get the abuse and blame for everything.
As for elder care, if you didn't get along growing up, you probably won't get along now. Once she takes this to the level of disrupting your relationship with your daughter, you are perfectly justified to move out.

I am glad you reached out to us. In my experience, most persons with ALZ play the blame game, where someone is always the bad guy. Often it is the caregiver and I have seen it rotate. For example, the caregiver is the bad guy when the person with dementia is talking with her son. Her son or daughter is the bad guy when talking with the caregiver. Unfortunately, they no longer can see how distorted this behavior is. Persons with memory problems often resent caregivers because memory loss often manifests itself as paranoia. This can be lies about the caregiver or children or a belief that someone is acting against them. Often they will resist advice from one person, but accept it from another.
You are in a tough spot because others believe her. They need to learn more about the type of dementia your mother has. Good luck

Sometimes people with dementia will fixate on one person and blame that person for everything. Oddly, the person singled out in this way may have been a favorite before dementia because dementia is just that perverse Talk to a professional about how to deal with this from your own perspective and especially since there are other familiy members involved. Your family members all need to learn about the problem from a professional (not you) who can help all of you work together for now and maintain good or better family relationships after your mother is gone. That professional can help you deal with old issues and Mom's manipulativeness. You'll learn new ways to respond to your mother and to your own emotions. You'll gain a sense of empowerment that will help with your frustration also. Set a goal to make the current situation tolerable now and family life better in the long run. Choose to be a catalyst for those changes and not a victim of old and new unworkable family dynamics.

My Mother did the very same thing. No one ever believed some of the things she was doing and saying to me until they spent some time with her. It was at this point that we decided to move her to AL facility. I no longer visit her because of the way she talks to me, about me and the way she treats me. I am her only child - my Dad is gone and this makes me sad. At some level I had hoped the dementia/ALZ would cause her to become "softened" in some way and we could finally have a relationship. That has not happened. Best wishes on this journey and never, ever forget to take care of yourself.

True that dementia has a way of bringing out the sore spots in relationships. The rub is that you are the one putting in the valiant effort to keep your mom safe and in her own home. Try to find a good neurologist or psychiatrist that will balance out your mom's medications. Some patients keep getting angrier. You need to be sure she is safe, and part of that is keeping her calm and happy. You'd be surprised what just a small tweak in meds can change for the better.
I care for my mom and just had a General Doctor giving her meds. At a certain point seems nothing worked. I simply had to quit GUESSING...and a psychiatrist took her off one drug, had her take a current med at night instead of day and added 1/2 a tablet of another. She is a changed person. She's 87, active so I didn't want to over-drug her. That's what I mean.
Bless you on your journey!! Keep always in mind it really IS the disease.

Who knew our parents would turn against us...the one doing all the hard stuff...my heart goes out to you...the pain and rejection that goes with it...but...we do it for the right reasons...if mom was walking into traffic..we would stop her...the siblings who don't help..they are the heros..this is life...I wish it were otherwise...I'm learning about forgiveness ..towards her...and myself for the feeling angry at her..she never was a good mom..why do I think she would be now...so need to focus on the good things in our lives..we are not how they treat us..

It is extremely frustrating when you do the difficult work for them every day and it's not appreciated. The real kicker is when they treat you like crap and then badmouth you to whoever will listen. Everything about taking care of someone with dementia seems to be turned on its head and we need to adjust our normal expectations. Luckily for us no one comes to visit. When they do it is so frustrating when they say she's as "with it" as she always was because we know she is far from that. With people from her distant past she can come up with some old memories to talk about so she sounds like her old self. New people get a polite, quiet person because she doesn't have a memory to talk about with them. We get the day to day arguments, snide comments and demands. I'm not sure how we can get people who don't deal with them on a regular basis to understand this unless they take over caregiving for a significant period of time. We dealt with it from their perspective when my mother in law was in assisted living. She would call and complain about people treating her badly and we would be on the phone with the facility complaining. Once she came to stay with us there was a light bulb moment and we realized what was going on then. Perhaps the granddaughter needs to come and do the caregiving for a few weeks. It's the only way she might come to understand what's going on.

Reasonable people will not give her credit. I wonder why your daughter took her side. I guess she's too young to think better. Don't let it bother you. The important thing is that you're conscience is clear. Base your feelings on that.

I have been the one always closest to my mom and she has not talked to me in six months and has been unbelievable mean to me. Prior I'd talk to her 2-3 times daily. I would have my parents over for dinner weekly. She is very mean to my dad and has had numerous issues with my sister a couple of years ago who lives far away. She is calling and talking bad about every to anyone who will listen. It is heartbreaking and I took it very personal initially but now am finally seeing it as the new normal. It's taken six months to get here after really beating myself up.as I look back symptoms of depression, racing thoughts, running behavior, quitting groups she had been involved in for years, confusion, etc. I have no support from siblings which has made it very difficult. Right now my focus is on my dad and his health and concern for his mental health having to live with her on again off again vicious behavior. This is so not fun so take care of your mental health so you can be there when needed.