How do I get my mom to understand I need to bring my own items and have some privacy when I move in with her and dad?

There is an important subliminal message in her not wanting you to bring your personal things. She wants you to discard your present life and independence and live in HER house, by her rules and follow her orders, as if you were ten years old again. That's dementia talking. Don't go.

Just lay it on the line...Mom, if I am going to live with you I need to be able to feel comfortable and have my own things, or I won't be able to go through with this.

This is the time that you sit down and have a serious discussion about how long you are staying, how much care you are willing to give (are you up for bathing, toileting, diaper changes...), and how you will be compensated for what you are giving up.
I strongly recommend you set up a caregiving contract and be paid, make allowances for pay increases as their needs increase. At the same time make sure their POAs are complete and that you are all on the same page about life extending procedures.
You might think all of that is overkill, but too many of us have jumped in to help our parents temporarily and find ourselves still there years later struggling with their care needs and facing a future of poverty. One thing is certain, they will get older and their health will decline. And any estate that you may be counting on may need to be used up for their needs, or become the bone of contention that tears apart the remaining family.

No, you will not eventually get her to agree, ever. Will you sell your house or rent it off? If you sell it, not only will you be ditching your belongings but you'll be trapped in their house with nowhere to go and totally at her mercy. Been there, done that. Seven horrendous years of my life gone until I was free.

I suggest you and your siblings get together and arrange for some paid outside help for your parents. Whatever you do, don't consider throwing your life away by going ahead with this.

I can't add anything more to this other than to say if your mother thinks she's within her rights to demend that you give up your life, possessions and career to move in a care for them for free, you're dealing with a serious narcissist.

Not a good move.

What are the chances this will work? I'd say about 1 out of 10.

The deck is already stacked against you. They want you to move back in as their child, dependent on them, and not as an adult. You can't store any of your excess things? You can't bring your own photo albums? Whoa .... this is simply not acceptable.

Why on earth would you give up a three-bedroom house to lived crammed in one bedroom, with no say and no possessions in any of the other rooms? THEY have a meltdown? Where is your meltdown.

You think you can eventually get her to give in? Ha, ha, ha. Good luck with that delusion.

Why don't you look for your own three-bedroom home in your parents' neighborhood? Look after them from there.

1 in 10 chance of success? Hmm ... Mother is trying to control you and you don't even move in for another month. Maybe the chances are more like 1 in 20.

The odds aren't good.
.

Just a few things from your posts you might want to consider:

"Mom wanted me to cook and clean" ... so you'll be a live in cook/cleaner housekeeper for free?

"Dad has mid stage alz and mom's memory is going" ... these conditions can worsen rapidly or the decline can go on for years

"Can toilet and dress" ... for how long? What happens when neither can?

"Mom was social but not any more" ... so you are supposed to be the entertainment as well?

"no savings" ... so I guess you'll have to work, along with cooking and cleaning a 4 bed 3 bath house. What happens when they can no longer be left alone?

"Their friends say they really need me to be there" ... dontcha just love armchair critics? Why don't their "friends" step up to give them a hand?

And where are your siblings in all this? Why is it falling on you alone?

Sorry to sound harsh but, my dear, that is reality.

I agree with those who believe it's a bad idea for you to move in with your parents under these circumstances. It's not just a question of your belongings and privacy but the fact that your mother is clearly not prepared to give up or share control of her home with you, even if you're giving up everything in your life to take care of them.

I lived with my mother for a year or so. I think it's more likely than not that a parent who wants a child to move in with her/him/them expects that everything will go on in the household exactly as before except that they will have an unpaid servant to do all the work of maintaining the home. They are not thinking about making any accommodation for the "helper's" personal schedule, preferences, needs, or desires, let alone personal possessions. When I lived with my mother, she essentially occupied and controlled the whole house. I could not even move from room to room without risking a cross-examination. I could not cook fish or chop onions without hearing a complaint. The neighbors I had become friendly with were not welcome to stop by.

Your mother sounds just like mine. She expects her dominion over the household to continue unabated while you give up your whole life to help her out. I lasted one year and I moved out. I hadn't given up a home or a career to move in with her so I was not worse off then before. I wouldn't consider doing it again, and in your position, I wouldn't consider doing it at all.

"I have 3 children, 2 that I must fly across country to see".

No longer WONDERING, say goodbye to the children, you will never be able to get respite from caregiving, and no longer be able to leave your parents alone to fly across country to see them.

Not wanting to be all negative, I would like to suggest they follow through with their plans to move to assisted living-pack up the farm, sell the house to pay for their care. They should do this while they still can qualify for AL, because they may be separated later when father with Alzheimers needs more care.

OMG

This just gets worse and worse. Your mother won't allow wires in her house so you can have internet, and yet somehow you think she is going to agree to pay you the equivalent of your salary, just because your siblings think it is a swell idea?

You think after they see how valuable you are then you can convince them to treat you fairly and with respect and set sound boundaries then. You are not even valuable enough to them to have a bicycle take up room in their garage. Seriously, how is this miraculous conversion of their attitudes going to come about?

You did not get through nursing school without a high level of intelligence. What is keeping you from applying that intelligence to this situation?

I had to go back and read your profile a couple of times to remember which of your parents has dementia. Has your mother been this narcissistic and controlling her entire life? Or is this new with age?

You mother has looked forward to AL for years. Focus your energy on making that happen for her.

Ok I was a professional woman (senior management) I earned a great salary, I had a life that was good and holidays abroad twice a year to some pretty far flung places. I gave that up to look after 1 person - my mother. I now live on a pittance, have no life, no friends, no support, constant criticism, a manipulative mother who increasingly does not want to do anything, who says lovely things about me when I am not here to hear them, throws hot tea at me when she is p155ed off regularly throws her food in the bin or more often on the floor so she doesn't have to eat it.

Please please don't do this wondering. You will regret it more, far more, than you will ever regret not doing it trust me. As for your belongings if you really do feel beyond all doubt that you have to go (personally I would advise seeing a shrink first! joke) then it is like this mum either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call. If she argues (and she will) repeat either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call never ever say sorry mum but I have to bring my things. If your Mum is as controlling as she is sounding then you are in for the worst journey imaginable and if you have two to contend with then my angel you will break long before they do and I can tell you now your siblings will take one giant step back ...why because you are being paid to do it. I am not deriding them - there will just come a time when they won't understand the pressures you are under. 168 hours a week tied to the house? Your only connectivity to the outside world the internet the phone and an occasional trip out when you take them to the docs? Is that what you really want? because that's where I am and right now I am in such a dark place it is good I don't live in the USA because I might just bear arms against myself rather than continue....thats the reality.